Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have
no imagination whatsoever.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as
when you are in it.

  If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some
people have more than one child?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
 

In 1936, Morris Rabinowitz fled his native Germany .

He sold his assets and made five sets of solid gold teeth with his cash,
well above the limit he could bring into the U.S. When he arrived in
New York the customs official was perplexed as to why
anybody would have five sets of gold teeth.

So Morris explained:

"Jews who keep kosher have two separate sets of dishes for meat products
and dairy products. I am religious so I have separate sets of teeth."

The customs official shook his head and said,
"Well that accounts for two sets of teeth. What about the other three?”

"Very religious Jews use separate dishes for Passover, but I am so orthodox I
have separate teeth for Passover meat and for Passover dairy food...."

The customs official shook his head and said,
"You must be a man of very strong faith to have separate teeth for meat and dairy products
and likewise for Passover. That accounts for four sets of teeth. What about the fifth set?"

Morris looked around and spoke softly.
"To tell you the truth," he said, "Once in a while I like a ham sandwich."

THE PURIST
I give you now Professor Twist,
A conscientious scientist,
Trustees exclaimed, "He never bungles!"
And sent him off to distant jungles.
Camped on a tropic riverside,
One day he missed his loving bride.
She had, the guide informed him later,
Been eaten by an alligator.
Professor Twist could not but smile.
"You mean," he said, "a crocodile."

~

The one-L lama,
He's a priest.
The two-L llama,
He's a beast.
And I would bet
A silk pajama
There isn't any
Three-L lllama.

 ~

I think that I shall never see
A billboard lovely as a tree.

Indeed, unless the billboards fall
I'll never see a tree at all.

                                        Ogden Nash



Little Johnny's father noticed that Johnny was spending
way too much time playing computer games.

In an effort to motivate Little Johnny into focusing more attention
on his schoolwork, his father said,
"When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books
by the light of the fireplace."

Little Johnny replied, "When Abe Lincoln was your age,
he was The President of the United States.

  LAUGHTER IS CONTAGIOUS 
 

CLICK ON LINK or PICTURE

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Do not move - Do not breathe - Just watch!

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AMAZING

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An Israeli is on a business trip to Japan. 
He happens to pass a doorway and hears hundreds
and hundreds of Japanese praying in Hebrew.

       After the service, he goes up to the rabbi and asks,

"All those people, are they Jewish?"

       "Of course," says the rabbi. 

       "And you, are you a real rabbi?"

       "I certainly am," says the rabbi.

       "You're Japanese and you're a rabbi?"

       "Yes, I've already told you that," says the rabbi.     

"Funny.  You sure don't look Jewish!" the Israeli replied.



A golfer . . . Persistence (to the bitter end.)

When my doctor asked me about what I did yesterday, I told him about my day:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a lake, escaped from a mountain lion
in the heavy brush, marched up and down a mountain, stood in a patch of poison ivy,
crawled out of quicksand, and jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake"

Inspired by my story, the doctor said, "You must be an awesome outdoorsman!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a shitty golfer".





A Way With Words
Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

You are a Muslim

2. If You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher,
but you can't afford shoes.

You are a Muslim

3. If You have more wives than teeth.

You are a Muslim

4. If You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.

You are a Muslim

5. If You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

You are a Muslim

6. If You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

You are a Muslim

7. If You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives
in your clothing.

You are a Muslim

8. If You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other
than setting off roadside bombs.

You are a Muslim

9. If You have nothing against women and think every man should
own at least four.

You are a Muslim

10. If You find this offensive or racist and don't forward it.

You are a Muslim



Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden
because he would not ask for directions.
9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate
and hand him the remote.
8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf
when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor, dentist or haircut
appointment for himself.
6. God knew Adam would never remember which night
to put the garbage on the curb.
5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able
to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As the Keeper of the Garden, since he didn't have metal sheds or
greenhouses, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when
God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"

And the #1 reason why God created Eve:

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said,
"I can do better than that!"

SAVE FOR NEXT CHRISTMAS

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  A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw
something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis,
only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need WATER!
I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie
and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue
over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant.
It has all the ice cold water you need.. Shalom."

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill Several hours later
he staggered back, almost dead & said,

"Your fucking brother won't let me in without a tie!"



Please excuse the rougher than usual language
toward the end of the following story; I would have
deleted them, but the story wouldn't be the same.

<>

JEWISH NEWLYWEDS

A young Jewish couple
  got married and went on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the  bride immediately called her mother.

"Well," said her mother, "so how   was the honeymoon?"

"Oh mama", she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful!  So romantic,"

Suddenly she burst out crying,
"But, mama, as soon as we returned, my new husband started using the
  most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before!  I mean, all
  these awful four-letter words!  You've got to take me home!!
PLEASE  MAMA!"

"My dear daughter," her mother said, "calm down!  You need to stay
with your husband and work  this out.  Now, tell me, what could be so awful? 
WHAT four-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter.
  "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful!  COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. 
Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words!"

Sobbing, the bride said,

  "Oh, Mama, he used words like "DUST, WASH , IRON, and COOK!

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said her mother.

Advice For An Old Guy

I'm an old guy who tries to work out when I can.  I've got a long way to go.
The other day, I was working out in the gym when I spotted this young lady....
 

 

I asked a trainer who was nearby, 
"What machine should I use to impress that sweet, young thing over there?"
 
The trainer looked at me, looked at her, looked at me again and said, 
"I'd try the ATM in the lobby."