PLEASE EXCUSE THIS BOTCHED UP ISSUE!!!
THANKS TO AN ERROR SOMEPLACE WITH AOL,
WHAT FOLLOWS IS ALL THAT'S LEFT OF A DRAFT WORKUP. 


A woman was asking the street palm-reader,

"Do I have the lines of money in my hand?"

       The fortune-teller smiled and said,

"Ma'am you have two sure lines of money,
one in the front and one on the back.
  Make as much money you want with them." 

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The Psychiatrist's Office  


Woman: "Doctor, for the last eight months, my husband 
has thought that he's a lawnmower."

Doctor: "That's terrible, why didn't you bring him in sooner?"

Woman: "Because the neighbor just returned him this morning."

**

Patient: "I have this terrible problem, Doctor. I think I'm a dog. I walk around 
on all fours, I keep barking in the middle of the night, and I eat dog food."

Psychiatrist: "Very interesting. Lie down on the couch, please."

Patient: "I'm not allowed on the couch."

**

Patient: "Doctor, you've got to help me. Some mornings I wake up and think I'm 
Donald Duck, other mornings I think I'm Mickey Mouse."

Doctor: "Hmmm, and how long have you been having these Disney spells?"

**

Doctor: "What's wrong with your brother?"

Boy: "He thinks he's a chicken."

Doctor: "Really? How long has he thought this?"

Boy: "Three years."

Doctor: "Three years!"

Boy: "We would have brought him in sooner,
but we needed the eggs."

**

Patient: "Doctor, you've got to help me! I think
my short-term memory is going!"

Psychiatrist: "How long have you had this problem?"

Patient: "What problem?" 

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This photo taken in a Senior Center in Plymouth , Michigan ..
The course was, "How to Prevent Alzheimer's"

The Project of the Day was, 
"To keep your mind working, try to create
something from memory." 








A man in his 40's goes in for a physical. The doctor says
"I have good news and I have bad news."

The man says, "Give me the bad news first."

Doc says, "There is a problem with your penis, you can only get a few more erections,
and then you won't have any more for the rest of your life."

The man says, "What in the world is the good news?"

Doc says, "We know the number is exactly 25, so
you can plan your use of them accordingly."

The man leaves and drives around for a couple hours pondering his situation, 
and how to confront his wife. When he gets home he tells her, 
"Honey, I have good news, and I have bad news."

She says, "Give me the good news."

He says, "I can only have 25 more erections,
and then I can't have any more, ever."

She says, "We can work around that, we will just make a list and only use them
when it is absolutely necessary to fulfill our desires, and make the most 
out of each one, what in the world is the bad news?"

He says, "I made a list, and you aren't on it..." 

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Not exactly politically correct...
 
The Arabs are  not happy!
They're not happy in Gaza. 
They're not happy in Egypt. 
They're not happy in Libya. 
They're not happy in Morocco. 
They're not happy in Iran.
They're not happy in Iraq. 
They're not happy in Yemen.
They're not happy in Afghanistan.
They're not happy in Pakistan. 
They're not happy in Syria. 
They're not happy in Lebanon.

So, where are they happy?

They're happy in England. 
They're happy in France. 
They're happy in Italy.
They're happy in Germany. 
They're happy in Sweden.
They're happy in the USA.
They're happy in Norway.
They're happy in every country
 that is not Muslim.
 
And who do t hey blame?
Not Islam. 
Not their leadership. 
Not themselves.
 
THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES
 IN WHICH THEY ARE HAPPY!
 
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An old fella was celebrating 92 years on this earth. 

He spoke to his toes. 
"Hello toes.", he said.  "How are you?  You know, you are 92 today.  Oh the times we've had! 
Remember how we walked in the park in the summer every Sunday afternoon. 
The times we waltzed on the dance floor?  Happy Birthday toes!" 

"Hello, knees.", he continued.  "How are you?  You know you're 92 today.. 
Oh, the times we've had!  Remember when we marched in the parade?   
Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together.  Happy Birthday, knees." 

Then, he looked down at his crotch.
"Hello Willie! You little bugger. Just think.
If you were alive today, you'd be 92..

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A blonde walks into a bar & orders a beer. Bartender fills the mug and slides it down 
the bar. It hits the blonde's boobs and splashes all over them... Bartender 
goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs. 

Each time the Blonde calls for another beer this happens. 

So after the 3rd beer, a guy decides to help the bartender out. The next time 
the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up starts to lick her breast
and she decks him ! 

He is lying on the floor moaning
"Jeez lady...Why do you let the bartender do it?" 

"Duh" says the blonde.."He has a licker license!"

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Did You Know
 
When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure,

When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure,

When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems,

When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.


Apparently, ice is really bad for you.

WARN ALL YOUR FRIENDS


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SOUTHERN CHARM

Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during
an endless wait in the LAX airport.

The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man.

The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether they had any children,
the California woman started by saying, 
"When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."

The first woman continued, 
"When my second child was born, my husband bought me
a beautiful Mercedes-Benz..

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."

The first woman continued boasting,
"Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me
this exquisite diamond bracelet.

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, bless your heart."

The first woman then asked her companion,
"What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.

"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"

The Southern lady responded,
"Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives a shit?"
I learned to say, "Well, bless your heart".

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RULES TO LIVE BY
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill
and a laxative on the same night.

2. Don't worry about what people think. They don't do do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than 
standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of house work is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. For every action, there's an equal and opposite government program.

9. If you look like your passport photo, you probably need the trip.

10. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. 

11. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

12. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

13. No woman has ever been shot while cooking, cleaning, or washing dishes.
Face it ladies, the kitchen is the safest place for you.

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THE FAITHFUL WIFE

Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months.
Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day.
One day as he slipped back into consciousness,
he motioned for her to come close to him.

She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear
close to be able to hear him.

"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, 
"you have been with me through all the bad times.

When I got fired, you stuck right beside me.
When my business went under, there you were. 
When we lost the house, you were there.
When I got shot, you stuck with me.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side.

"And you know what?"

"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.

"I think you're bad luck."