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Lyle'sPage

                                       Lady Lynx

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There were two old men sitting on a park bench
passing the day away talking. One old man asked the other,

"How is your wife?"

The second old guy replied, "I think she may be dead!"

The first man asked, "What do you mean you THINK she is dead?"

The second explained, "Well...the sex is the same
but the dishes are starting to pile up."

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A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its sales,
so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank,
and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him
to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said,
"You were real close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba,
pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave  him the same story,
and asked him to guess the correct number.
The redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said,
"Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy,
"I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray.
It ain't rigged -- my wife won twice last week."

Two buddies, Bob and Larry, are getting very drunk at a bar
when suddenly Larry throws up all over himself.

"Oh, no...Now my wife will kill me!" Bob says,

"Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket
and tell your wife that someone threw up on you
and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts
to give him a bad time.
"You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself!
My God, you're disgusting!"

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Larry says,

"Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin Itsh snot wha jew think.
I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...
he had one too many! and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor.
He said he was verrry sorry an' gave me
twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"

His wife looks in the breast pocket and says,
"But this is forty bucks.."

"Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot,
he shhhit in my pants, too."

When you are young,
it's wine, women and song.

When you get old,
it's beer, the old lady and television.

"SWINGER"

Kitty and Freda, both in their 80s, are returning from a trip
to their area shopping centre. They have been sitting on
a bench for over 30 minutes waiting for their return bus,
when Kitty turns to Freda and says,

"You know, Freda, we've been sitting here
so long, my ass has fallen asleep."

Freda turns to Kitty and says,
"I know, I heard it snoring a couple of times !"

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RIDDLE 
(THINK FIRST AND THEN VIEW THE ANSWER) 
WHAT IS  "qdjggsdqklgds fkgmgqkfjdmqie lgq fsqfmqdsldmfq sfqssfdbvnlklfvnoze" ?
SEE THE ANSWER NEAR BOTTOM OF PAGE

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"John and I had hardly finished one argument when I
screwed up and started another one." said Jill.

"How'd you do that?" asked Nadine.

"Well," says Jill "you know when you're done with a
big fight and your significant other suggests a little
'make-up sex'?"

"Yeah" says Nadine.

Jill replies, "I guess it wasn't the right time for me to ask,
'Does it have to be with you?'"

Bubba was walking through a town one day when he saw a shop
with a notice in the window.  The notice said "We sell everything".
Bubba could not believe this so he went inside.  He walked to the
counter and asked the salesperson,
"Do you really sell everything?"

The salesperson said "Yes, everything".

Thinking this was too good to be true Bubba said
"OK then could I have a sweater for a chicken?"

The salesperson said "A sweater for a chicken?
Hold on I will have to check the stock out the back."
Five minutes later, the salesperson returned with a brown paper bag.
"Here you go, one sweater for a chicken"

"How much?" asked Bubba.  "Three dollars." replied the salesperson.

"Three dollars for a sweater for a chicken - excellent." said Bubba.

So away he went as happy as can be. When he got outside
he thought to himself that maybe he should check out
his purchase, so he looked inside the bag.
At the bottom of the bag was a condom.

He was mad and stormed back into the shop.
He screamed at the salesperson
"Hey, I asked you for a sweater for a chicken and you
have given me a condom - what ís going on?"

The salesperson replied, "Sorry buddy, I checked in the back
and we seem to be all out of sweaters for chickens,
all we had left was a pullover for a cock."

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery
with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus,
she whispered to the driver, "I have a dead pussy."

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said,
"Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story
of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed
and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid
detail so her students would catch the drama. Then she
asked the class,

"If you saw a person lying on the roadside
all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence.
"I think I'd throw up."

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FLU

Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of
fruits and veggies. Take your vitamins and bump up
vitamin C.  Get plenty of exercise because exercise
helps build your immune system. Walk for at least
an hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs
instead of the elevator, etc. Wash your hands often.
If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of
antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible.
Get plenty of rest. Try to eliminate as much stress
from your life as you can.
OR 
Take the doctor's office approach.
Think about it...

When you go for a shot, what do they do first?
Clean your arm with alcohol. Why?
Because alcohol kills germs.

So......

I walk to the liquor store (exercise).
I put lime in my Corona (fruit).
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggie).
Drink outdoor at the patio bar (fresh air).
Get drunk, tell jokes, laugh (relieve stress).
Then pass out (rest).

The way I see it...

If you keep your alcohol levels up,
flu germs can't get you!!!!

Cheers!  It's five o'clock somewhere!

CHANGING TIMES

A little girl says, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister."

Trying to be funny, the daddy says "Honey, you do have a
sister. You just don't see her because when you are coming
in the front door, she is always leaving
through the back door."

The little girl thought about this and remarked,

"You mean like my other Daddy does?"

RIDDLE 

Guess you had to be there  . .. lol

"What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Dick Cheney?

One has pasty white skin, fake body parts and he's creepy; 
the other's Michael Jackson." 
Jay Leno

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Earlier this week Bush met with a key player on the 
world energy scene -- Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia. 
Bush greeted him by kissing him on both cheeks and 
then led him by the hand into his ranch -- confirming 
the long standing rumor that the president is, 
in fact, queer for oil." Jon Stewart

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"According to the Wall Street Journal, Phillip Morris is close 
to signing a deal to make Marlboros in China. Well, that 
should solve China's overpopulation problem."  Jay Leno

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"According to a new poll Laura Bush's popularity rating ... 
is 80% while President Bush's rating is down to 47%. 
When she heard this Laura said
'Hey, it's just like our grades in college.'" Jay Leno

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President Bush had lunch with U.S. troops the other day. 
It's been exactly two years since the fall of Baghdad 
and just as Bush predicted, Baghdad fell, Iraq fell, Saddam fell --
the only thing that didn't fall was the price of gas." 
Jay Leno

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"You know how the pope is chosen? The cardinals all vote 
and then the ballots are burned. You know -- the same thing 
we did in Florida back in 2000." 
Jay Leno"

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They claim now that President Bush spends two hours a day 
playing video games. ... Here's the good news -- that's two hours less 
than he spends being president." 
David Letterman

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"Down in Washington D.C. ... the feds jumped a guy who was behaving suspiciously and carrying two large suitcases ... 
Turns out it kind of had a funny ending: he's not a terrorist 
and the suitcases were full of cash for Tom Delay." 
David Letterman 

 THE END

HUNK

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On The Jersey Shore

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