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Nathan and Leah Levy went on holiday to Switzerland.
As soon as they arrived, Nathan told Leah that he
would go skiing whilst she unpacked.

“Don’t worry about me,” he said, “I’ll be back within 2 hours.”

Three hours later, he still hadn’t returned and Leah
was getting very worried. So she rang the Red Cross.
After four hours, a search party, with guides, dogs
and army mountaineers, went out looking for Nathan.
As they climbed the slopes, they began calling out,

“Mr. Levy, Mr. Levy, it’s the Red Cross.
Where are you Mr. Levy?”

When they got to the top of the glacier, they tried one more time,

“Mr Levy, where are you? It’s the Red Cross.”

And then they heard a faint voice say,
“It’s OK. I  gave at the office.”

A Russian Czar's birthday arrived, and when he woke up, he saw a
message written in piss on the heavy snow from the night before:
"A happy birthday to you my Master, signed Ivan, your loyal
servant."

The Czar called Ivan and said, "It was nice of you to remember my
birthday, but how the heck did you did it? You are illiterate."

The servant responded, "Oh, it was simple. I was pissing in snow
and your wife was holding my dick!"


 


Just as a young man was about to get a chest X-Ray, the
equipment slipped and his pelvic region was X-Ray'd instead.

"Oh, no!  cried the lab technician." Your reproductive
organs just received a dose of radiation!"

"What does that mean?" asked the worried young man.

"It's serious," replied the technician. 
"All your children will be
lawyers!"

 

When a panel of doctors was asked to vote
on adding a new wing to their hospital. . .

Allergists voted to scratch it ..

Dermatologists advised no rash moves..

Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it..

Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve..

Obstetricians stated that they were
all laboring under a misconception..

Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted..

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"..

Pediatricians said, "Grow up!" ..

Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness;

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing..

Radiologists could see right through it! ..

Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow..

Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."..

Podiatrists thought it was a step forward..

Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water..

Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas..

Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no..

And in the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to
some asshole who didn't give a shit!

 


"When my sugar daddy dies," confided Justine to Janie,
"I inherit the lot... it's in his last will and testicles."

"You mean testament," chuckled Janie.

"No, testicles..." said Justine, "I've got him by the balls."

 

Two lawyers, Levy and Cohen, opened an office in Kilburn.
As this was a gentile part of London, they decided to call their firm
"Christian and Christian" -  in order to attract non-Jewish clients. 
But on their opening day, they forgot to tell their
switchboard operator what to say.

When anyone phoned in and asked for Mr. Christian, she answered,
"Which Christian do you want, Levy or Cohen?"

 
The ultimate in body piercing

Jim drives his friend Bob to the shops at the mall.
As they get out of the car, Jim locks the doors in such
a hurry that he forgets to remove the ignition key first.

"Shit," says Jim.

"Why don't we get a coat hanger to open the door," says Bob.

"No, I don’t think that’ll work," replies Jim,
"because passers-by will think we're breaking into the car."

"OK," suggests Bob. We can use a penknife to cut the rubber seal
around the driver’s door, then I can stick in a finger and pull out the key."

"No, absolutely not." replies Jim. "Passers-by will think
we're stupid for not using a coat hanger,."

"OK," says Bob, "you’d better think of something else and quick.
It's starting to rain and your sun roof’s still open."

 


How do you get a hundred cows in a barn?

You hang up a bingo sign!

 

HOW TO TELL IF YOU ARE OVER THE HILL

You no longer laugh at Preparation H commercials.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

You buy shoes with crepe rubber soles.

The only reason you're still awake at 2 A.M. is indigestion.

People ask you what color your hair used to be.

You enjoy watching the news.

Your car must have four doors.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

You have a dream about prunes.

You browse the bran cereal section in the grocery store.

You start worrying when your supply of Ben Gay is low.

You think a CD is a certificate of deposit.

You have more than 2 pair of glasses.

You read the obituaries daily.

Your biggest concern when dancing is falling.

You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

You wear black socks with sandals.

You know all the warning signs of a heart attack.

JACK'S TELEPHONE NUMBER...

Blonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"

Operator: "I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are talking about".

Blond Caller: "On page 1 section 5, of the user guide it clearly states
that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and
telephone Jack before cleaning."

Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"

 

A bend in the road is not the end of the road...
unless you fail to make the turn.
-Unknown

There is no such thing in anyone's life as an unimportant day.
-Alexander Woollcott

One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men.
No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man.
-Elbert Hubbard

Speak when you're angry, and you'll make
the best speech you'll ever regret.
-Lawrence J. Peter

Obstacles are those frightful things you see
when you take your eyes off your goal.
-Hannah More

Reputation is character minus what you’ve been caught doing.
-Michael Iapoce

The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon,
but that we wait so long to begin it.
-W. M. Lewis

 
"Pfff. I've got nothing to wear.

Golf is like marriage:
If you take yourself too seriously it won't work...
and both are expensive.

The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.

 

I was examining cantaloupes at the grocery store
 and turned to the produce clerk, who was refilling the bins.  

"Choosing a cantaloupe is like picking a mate for marriage,"  
"A person has no idea what he's getting  
until it's too late."  

"I know," he replied. "I've had three cantaloupes."


 


Crazy Charlie, the used-car dealer, was out to break all
sales records with his "like new" models. A large sign in
his window announced:

"A Blonde Free With Each Car."

A delighted young wolf plunked down his cash and, hot with
anticipation, drove his newly won blonde out into the country.
He parked, gave her a couple of preliminary kisses, and
whispered a suggestion in her ear.

She shook her head, smiled, and said,

"You got THAT when you
bought this car."

At  HER  Station, I Don't Care How High Gas Prices Go
 

Can You Fly A Helicopter?

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