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Lyle's Page

                                       Lady Lynx

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I went to the eye doc for my annual exam
and he did the usual battery of tests
then told me to have a seat in the waiting room.

About 20 minutes later he asked me to go into his office.

I sat down and he told me I had to quit masturbating,
I told him I thought that was an old wives tale.

 "Oh, your eyes are fine, you're just bothering
 the other people in the waiting room."

Three female cats were bragging about their kittens.
The first cat said,
"My kittens are part Persian.
Their father was a pure Persian cat."
The third cat said nothing.

The second cat said, "Well, that is nothing.
My kittens are part Siamese.
Their father was a pure bread Siamese."
The third cat still said nothing.

Then the first two cats asked her,
"What are your kittens?"

She replied,
"Oh, I don't know.
I had my head stuck in the tuna can at the time."

CLICK         YOU ARE BOTHERING ME

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QUOTES

Snowflakes are one of nature's most fragile things,
but just look what they can do when they stick together.
Vesta M. Kelly

People often say that motivation doesn't last.
Well, neither does bathing—that's why we recommend it daily.
Zig Ziglar

Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds
if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
Doug Larson

The man who views the world at fifty the same as he did at twenty
has wasted thirty years of his life.
Muhammad Ali

Those who want much, are always much in need.
Horace

Life is what we make it. Always has been, always will be.
Grandma Moses

Dream as if you'll live forever.
Live as if you'll die today.
James Dean

"I didn't call you a cold hearted bitch. I just said that
every time you spread your legs, the thermostat kicks on!"



Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods
on her way to visit her grandmother, when suddenly
a wolf jumped out from behind a tree.

"Ah-ha!" the wolf said, "Now I've gotcha. . .
and I'm gonna eat you!"

"Eat! Eat! Eat!" Little Red Riding Hood said angrily.
"Damn it! Doesn't anybody fuck anymore?"

Skype - Free Internet telephony that just works 
http://skype.com/

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A guy takes his dog to the vet
because every time a bell rings
the dog goes and sits in the corner.

The Vet looks the dog over and says.
"That's perfectly normal;
he's a boxer. "

I  Wonder . .  .

If a deaf person has to go to court, 
is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money
in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President
and fifty for Miss America???

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

18. Why is "bra" singular and "panties plural?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a 
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
(I've always wondered.)

When your photo is taken for your drivers license,
why do they tell you  to smile? If you are stopped by the police
and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares,
why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligans Island can make a radio 
out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time,
but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap,
why didn't he just buy dinner?


New Lizard found in South Florida

I think they call this one a penisauras!


Bullfighting
is the number-one sport in Latin America.'

'That's revolting!'

'No, that's the number-two sport.'



Children's Science Exam Answers.
These are real answers given by children.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels 
and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood 
and looks forward to his adultery

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.



"At 38 years, I finally got me the woman that said those six  
words I wanted all my life to hear:

'My dad owns a liquor store.'"
                                    Mark Klein 

An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker
and was going at it all night with her. She kept screaming
"Fujifoo, Fugifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable..

The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts
and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients,
he said "Fujifoo".

The Japanese clients looked confused and said
"No, you got the right hole."

A Jewish medical professor was asked to give a talk
on "Sex" at a Harvard medical symposium.

When his turn came, he stood up, said,
"Ladies and gentlemen it gives me great pleasure......"
... and then promptly sat down.



The waitress was waiting as patiently as she could
while the guy was dawdling over the breakfast menu. 
He says, being a smart ass,
"I usually never return to a restaurant unless one of the sausages
I'm served with my eggs is a match in size for my own."

The waitress replied, "In that case, sir,
perhaps you should be looking at the children's menu."



"Waiter!" shouted the furious diner,
"How dare you serve me this!
There's a damn TWIG in my soup!"

"My apologies," said the waiter.
"I'll inform the branch manager."



BISEXUAL
The problem with being bisexual is that you get twice
as many chances to be rejected, and BOTH sides think
you're a pervert!



How are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word either one of them says
and they both last about 60 seconds.



Hear about the guy who said he had lost 125 pounds
and the guy he was talking to said
he sure didn't look it, and he answered,

"Yep, she left me yesterday!"



Two older gentleman were talking and one said to the other,
"You're having an anniversary soon, right?"

The other replied,   "Yup, a big one... 20 years."

"Wow," said the other, "what are you going to get your wife
for your anniversary?"

The other replied, "We're going on a trip to Australia."

"Wow, Australia, that's some gift!" said the other man.
"That's going to be hard to beat. What are you going to do for your
25th anniversary?"

"Go back and get her."



If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish,
what would Cheetah be?

A fur coat.

Close to the truth...
 
A Pakistani arrives in New York City.  All excited, 
he stops the first person he meets.

"Good day, Mr.. American, thank you for to accept me 
in your nice country, 
and...

The person interrupts and says:
"I am not American ... I'm Mexican."

The Pakistani continues on his way and meets another passer-by.

"Thank you Mr.. American for to let my family and me stay here..."

Again, he is interrupted before finishing his sentence:
"I no be American, 
I be Turk!"

The Pakistani continues on his way and meets another passer-by.

"Mr.. American, me thank you for hospitality you give..."

But brother, don't you see that I am black?
I am African, not American."

"But", answers the Pakistani distressed, 
"Then, where are the Americans??"

The African looks at his watch and says ...
"Oh, they don't get off work 
'til five o'clock!"

Bush  wants to change the Republican Party emblem
from an elephant to a condom, because . . .
it stands for inflation, protects a
bunch of pricks, halts production, and gives
a false sense of security while one is being screwed.

TIT for TAT

 THE END

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