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AJ's        PAGE

Thanks to:
HCW – Nancy – Fitz

Howdy Gang! Hope all is well in your world.

Getting some rain and cooler weather here in the Midwest.

Got a little golf in and getting ready for more.

(And no,  I ain't no better!!)

 Got one thing to remind you all of:

 SENIOR TRIP

While on a road trip an elderly couple stopped
at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their
meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly
left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them
until after they had been driving about twenty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel
quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around
in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the
classic grouchy old man.  He fussed and complained
and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.
The more he chided her, the more agitated he became.
He just wouldn't let up for one minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
And as the woman got out of the car and hurried inside
to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her.....

"While you're in there,
you might as well get my hat and credit card.

104-YEAR-OLD WOMAN

Reporters,  interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?"

She simply replied,

"No peer pressure."

MORE OLD STUFF

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to

the very elderly widow and asked,

 "How old was your husband?"

"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."

"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.

She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"

 

Sex Drive

A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says,

"Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."

"Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive

is all in your head?"

"You're damned right it is!" replied the old man.

"That's why I want it lower!"

 TEEN

There was an old country preacher who had a teenage son, 
and it was getting time the boy should give some thought 
to choosing a profession. 

One day while the boy was away at school, his father 
decided to try an experiment.  He went into the boy's room 
and placed on his desk three objects:  
a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey. 

"Now then," the old preacher said to himself,
"I'll hide behind the door, and when my son comes home
from school, I'll see which of these three objects he picks up.  
If he picks up the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, 
and that would be a blessing.  If he picks up the dollar,
he's going to be a businessman and that would be okay. 
But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a drunkard, 
and that would be a shame!"  

The old man heard his son coming in.  
The son deposited his books on his desk, 
as he turned to leave he spotted the objects.  
He picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm,
then picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket, 
and then uncorked the bottle and took a big swig. 

"Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, 
"he's going to be a politician!"

Smart Married Man?  

Walking into his favorite bar, Mike said to the bartender,

"Pour me a stiff one. I just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Fred. "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied,

"she came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really?? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under that bed, you little chickenshit worm."

 



Lucky Married Man

A shapely lady had a predicament involving two men who loved her.
She asked ole Lyle which one would be the lucky one.

“Well, I told her that Harvey will marry her and Larry

 would be the lucky one!

DRUNK

A really drunk man was walking along the street one day.

He was staggering quite a bit, and made two nuns that were

approaching him very nervous.

The two nuns split apart - one walked to the man's left

and one walked to the man's right. After the nuns were past

the staggering man, he turned around and said,

"Now how in the hell did she do that"?

JOIN THE ARMY?

 When his shiftless son refused to get a job,
his dad insisted he join the Army.  During a induction physical,
the Army doctor told the reluctant recruit to read the
eye chart across the room.

"What chart?" the son asked.

"The one on the wall!" The doctor said.

"What wall smirked the recruit?"

Knowing he had a slacker on his hands,
the doctor asked his beautiful nurse to walk in Naked.

"What do you see now?" "Nothing the kid replied."

"Well, you may not see anything," the doctor said,
"but your needle is pointing toward the training base!
Welcome to the Army son."

BUBBA & JUNIOR IN ARMY

Two good ol' boys, Bubba and Junior,
get promoted from privates to sergeants.

Not long after, they're out for a walk, and Bubba says,

"Hey, Junior, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me
stop in and have us a drank."

"But we's privates," protests Junior.

"No, we's sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside.

"Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank."

"But, we's privates," says Junior.

"You blind, boy?" says Bubba, pointing at his stripes.
"We's sergeants now!"

So they order their drinks and pretty soon,
a hooker comes up to Bubba.
"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you someplace
and make you feel good. But I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."

Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers,
"Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what that
'gonorrhea' means. If it's good, give me the okay sign."

Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba
the big okay sign. Three weeks later, Bubba is laid up
in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.

"Junior," he says, "What did you give me the okay for?"

"Well, Bubba, in the dictionary it says gonorrhea
only affects the privates."
Then he points to his stripes and says,
"But we's sergeants now!"

 

STEVE IRWIN

Steve Irwin walks into a bar with his pet crocodile by his side.
He puts the croc up on the bar. and then turns to the

astonished patrons and says:

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this croc's mouth and place

my genitalia inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute.

Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my genitalia unscathed.

In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured in unanimous approval.

Steve stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers,

and placed his privates in the crocodile's open mouth.

The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, Irwin grabbed a beer bottle and smacked

the croc hard on the top of its head. The croc opened his mouth

and he removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

Steve stood up again and made another offer.

"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd.  After a while, a hand went up

in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up...

"I'll try it! Just don't hit me too hard with the beer bottle."

OLE THE ARTIST

Ole, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.

His fame grew and soon people from all over the country

were coming to him in Minnesota for paintings.
One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house

in a stretch limo. She asked Ole if he would paint her in the nude.

 This was the first time anyone had made this request.

The beautiful lady said money was no object;

she was willing to pay $50,000.

Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife,

Ole asked the lady to wait while he went in the house

and conferred with Lena, his missus.

In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady,

"Ya shoor, you betcha. I'll paint ya in da nude,

but I'll haff ta leave on my socks

so I'll have a place to wipe my brushes."

 

 

 

FUNERAL

A young preacher was asked by a funeral director to hold a

graveside service for a man who died with no family or friends. 

The funeral was held way back in the country and the young preacher

got lost on the way.   When he arrived an hour late, he saw a backhoe

and crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

The workmen were eating lunch.

The diligent pastor went to the open grave to find the vault lid in place,

but still he poured out his heart and preached an impassioned

and lengthy service.  Returning to his car, the young

preacher felt that he had done his duty and he would leave

with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication,

in spite of his tardiness.

As he got into his car, he overheard one of the workers

talking in a very serious voice to another worker:

"You know, I been puttin' in septic tanks for 20 years,

and I ain't never seen nothin’ like that before..

Sorta gives a whole new  meanin' to the term "Holy Shit."


 
 
THE END {HMMMMMMMMM}
(Thanks BTC)

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