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Thanks to:
Jandoo - Mikeee - Kathy S. - HCW - 
Lisa M - Royce R - Philalakes

for their contributions to today's page.

FISHERMAN

An old-timer sat on the river bank, obviously waiting for a nibble, 
though the fishing season had not officially opened.  
The game warden stood behind him quietly for several minutes. 

"You the game warden?" the old-timer inquired.

"Yup."

   Unruffled, the old man began to move the fishing pole
 from side to side.  Finally, he lifted the line out of the water. 
 Pointing to the minnow wriggling on the end of the line he said, 

"Just teaching this little fellow how to swim."





LESSON

Once upon a time....A married couple in their early 60's 
was  out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet,  
romantic little restaurant.  Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy 
appeared on their table  and said, 

"For being such an exemplary married couple and for  
being faithful to each other for all this time,
 I will grant  you each a wish." 

"Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband"  
said the wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and -- abracadabra! -- 
two tickets for the new QM 2 luxury liner appeared in her hands. 

Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said:  
" Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this  only 
occurs once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry my love, but my  wish is 
to have a wife 30 years younger than me". 

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, 
but a wish is  a wish...  So the fairy made a circle with her 
magic stick and -abracadabra!  -the husband became 92 years old....

The moral of this story..... Men might be ungrateful idiots....  
But fairies are......female. 

GOLF Vs TENNIS

After receiving tennis lessons the previous day, a resort guest  
decided to take a golf lesson the following morning. 
Upon meeting the instructor, he asked... 

"What's the difference between golf and tennis?" 

Without hesitation, the instructor replied...

"Tennis is like murder -- you just want to kill the other player." 
"Golf is like suicide --you just want to kill yourself."





THE THOUGHT FOR TODAY

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, 
it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries.

Today, a five-year-old can do it.

HARD TO FIND

'I'm getting a divorce,'' said Ralph to his buddy Ben.  
"The wife hasn't spoken with me for five or six months." 

Ben thought for a few seconds and then replied, 
"Just make sure you know what you're doing Ralph, 
wives like that are hard to find.''





PERMISSION?

I was on the phone with a golf buddy 
who has asked me to play.  I told him,
 
"I am the Lord & master of my home and can play golf 
whenever I feel like it.  But just hold on a minute 
while I find out if I really want to."  

100 DOLLAR BILL

An accountant gets home late one night from work 
and his wife asks..
"Where in the hell have you been?" 

He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo" 

"A tattoo?" she frowned".  
"What kind of a tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill tattooed on my privates."

 "What the hell were you thinking?" she said, 
shaking her head in disbelief.  
"Why on earth would an accountant get 
a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, for one.....I like to watch my money grow....

Two,......Once in awhile I like to play with my money.......

Three,......I like how money feels in my hand.........

And lastly.....instead of you going out shopping every week-end, 
now you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks 
anytime you want!!! ....... (Yea Right!)





Church service


Two little old ladies were attending a rather long service 
at their church. One leaned over and whispered, 
"My butt is going to sleep." 

"I know -- I heard it snore three times," 
replied her companion.

Sex with a ghost

A Professor at Harvard University was giving a lecture on the supernatural.  To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 
"How many people here believe in Ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start.  
Out of those of you who believe in Ghosts, do any of you think 
you have seen a Ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good.  
I'm really glad you take this seriously.  
Has anyone here ever talked to a Ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hands. 
"Has anyone here ever touched a Ghost?"

3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic.  
Now let me ask you one more question...
Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back Bubba raises his hand.  
The Professor takes off his glasses, and says, 
"Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture; 
no one has ever claimed to have made love to a Ghost.  
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big Redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, 
and began to make his way up to the podium.  When he reached 
the front of the room, the Professor asks, 

"So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a Ghost?"  

Bubba replied, "Shiiiit! 

From way back thar,
I thought you said - Goats."

THE WAY IT IS!

Two Iranians meet in Miami. One starts to greet the other in Farsi, 
the language of their native country.

The other Iranian waved him away contemptuously and said,

"We're in America now. Speak Spanish!"





Jumping On The Bed  

A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed 
and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for 
a while and asks,  
"Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? 
What's the matter with you?" 

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, 
"I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram 
and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old." 

The husband said, "What did he say about your 56 year old ass?" 

"Your name never came up," she replied. 

STAY

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress 
upon her that she must  remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, 

"Now you stay. Do you hear me?" 

"Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, 
gave me a strange look and said,

"Why don't you just put it in park?" 

THE END

(Thanks Bill The Chief)

 
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