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Happy Thanksgiving May your stuffing be tasty  May your turkey plump,  May your potatoes and gravy  have nary a lump.  May your yams be delicious  and your pies take the prize,  and may your Thanksgiving dinner  stay off your thighs!  Unknown    Three old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then an old Grandpa walked by, and one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying,  "We bet we can tell how old you are."    The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it."    One of the Grandmas said,  "Sure we can!  Just drop your under shorts and we can tell your exact age."    He was a little embarrassed, but dropped his drawers.    The Grandmas stared at him for a while, asked him to turn around a couple of times, asked him to jump up and down for a little while and then they all piped up and said,  "You're 84 years old!"    The old man was stunned. "Amazing!   How in the world did you guess that?"    The old Grandmas, laughed, slapped their knees and grinned from ear to ear.  All three happily yelled in unison, "Because You Told Us Yesterday."

How To Clean Your Toilet -
The Fun Way

 

Instructions

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add one-eighth cup of
pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.
You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash"
 and rinse.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom,
and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the toilet And the cat will be sparkling clean.

 Sincerely,
 The Dog

I REMEMBER WHEN

 

A Computer Was Something On TV
 From A Science Fiction Show Of Note
A Window Was Something You Hated To Clean
And Ram Was The Cousin Of A Goat.

Meg Was The Name Of My Girlfriend
And Gig Was A Job For The Night
Now They All Mean Different Things
And That Really Mega Bytes.

An Application Was For Employment
A Program Was A TV Show
A Cursor Used Profanity
A Keyboard Was A Piano.



Compress Was Something You Did To The Garbage
Not Something You Did To A File
And If You Unzipped Anything In Public
You'd Be In Jail For Quite A While.

Log On Was Adding Wood To The Fire
Hard Drive Was A Long Trip On The Road
A Mouse Pad Was Where A Mouse Lived
And A Backup Happened To Your Commode.

Cut You Did With A Pocket Knife
Paste You Did With Glue
A Web Was A Spider's Home
And A Virus Was The Flu.

I Guess I'll Stick To My Pad And Pencil
And The Memory In My Head
I Hear Nobody's Been Killed In A Computer Crash
But When It Happens, They Wish They Were Dead

One Liners   

  Always keep several get well cards on the mantel. If unexpected

guests arrive, they'll think you've been sick and unable to clean.

NASA reports that galaxies are speeding away from earth at 90,000

miles a second.  What do you suppose they know that we don't?

Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.

The only thing that wakes you up faster than coffee is spilled coffee.

My husband has suggested a candlelight dinner at home for
our anniversary. Is he being romantic or just cheap?

A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the   breeze is blowing,

the birds are singing and the lawn mower is broken.

There are two types of roads in our country.

One is under construction and the other is under repair.

When you get older, lack of pep is often mistaken for patience. 

What will today's younger generation tell their children
they had to do "without"?

People never grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Never trust a story that has been told more than twice.

If something is confidential, it will be left in the copier machine.

The eBay Song

Use your BACK button after viewing, to return to The Copy Macheen.
DON'T GET X'd OFF SITE

DUI~West Virginia STYLE

Only a West Virginian could think of this ... from the county
where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Ripley, West

Virginia~~After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the
parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what

seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man

managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes

as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. 

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a
fine, dry summer night) -- flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of
times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the
vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still
for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left.

At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and
started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having
patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on
the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over
and carried out a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man

having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said,
"I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station.
This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Hillbilly.
 "Tonight I'm the designated decoy.

 

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little

children of her own. They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man grandmother.

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there

when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't

play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the store and

have lots of quarters for us.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things

like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers

and also why we shouldn't step on "cracks."

They don't say, "Hurry up."

Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like, "why isn't God

married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?"

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if

we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if

you don't have television, because they are the only

 grown ups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and

 they say prayers with us every time, and kiss us even when

 we've acted bad.

A 6 YEAR OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED.
"OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN
WE WANT HER WE JUST GO GET HER.
THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT,
WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT."

 

IF GUYS RULED THE WORLD

* Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically
forward your call to her real number.

* Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an
acceptable response to "I love you."

* Hallmark would make
"Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

* When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during
the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the
screen during a time-out.

* Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of
the NFL team of your choice.

* The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

* At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd
jump out your window and slide down the tail of a bronto-
saurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

* It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put
on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

* Tanks would be far easier to rent.

* Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present
your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

* Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it
would only occur in leap years.
(Wouldn't help -- you STILL
wouldn't remember!)

 Here's a good one!
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat
down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
towards the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you." 
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her
deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like

to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! !
"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman.

Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No, " she replies. . . . . . "
"You just happened to catch my eye."

That's all for now!
Thanks for tuning in.
 

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On The Jersey Shore

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