SUNDAY QUICKIE

John & Marsha decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: "There's a car being towed from the parking lot" he shouted.

A few moments passed. "An ambulance just drove by"
A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company" he called out.  "Matt's riding a new bike....."

"The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!!
Dad cautiously asked, "How do you know they are having sex??"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony with a Popsicle too."



GRANDMA CALLS

A sweet grandmother telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and room number?" 

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel, room 302." The Operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her records say that Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."

The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news." The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your daughter?" The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302. No one tells me shit



Irish Gas Station

Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drove his new Ford Excursion into an Irish gas station. An attendant greeted him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro was. "Top of the mornin' to ya!" As Tiger got out of the car, two tees fell out of his pocket. "So what are those son?" asked the attendant. "They're called tees," replied Tiger. "And what would ya be usin' 'em for, now?" inquired the Irishman. "Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replied Tiger. "AW, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph," exclaimed the Irish attendant. "Those fellas at Ford think of everything!"


Colonoscopy

A man went to have a colonoscopy done.  He was sitting in the waiting room, chewing his fingernails apprehensively.  Finally, the nurse called him to the back.  "Please strip off from the waist down, and put this gown on.  Hang your pants there against the wall."

About 20 minutes later, the doctor came in, instructing the man to bend over and spread his cheeks. The patient did so.   The doctor, after putting a surgical glove on, proceeded to enter the "tunnel." After a few minutes, he removed his finger, and said, "Sir, I don't see anything wrong there.  You can get dressed and get ready to go." 

The patient said, "Before you go, Doc, could I get you to do me a favor?" "What's that, sir?" replied the physician. "Would you please write a note to my wife and inform her that, in fact, my head is NOT up there?"



SMOOTH MOVE

A young man from a wealthy family was being divorced by his good-looking wife.  His lawyer called with information about the property settlement.  "The good news is that she isn't asking for any share of your future inheritance."
"Great!" said the young man. "What's the bad news?"
"Well," the lawyer said, "after the divorce, she's plans to marry your father!"



THIEF

 A kleptomaniac woman had been caught shoplifting in a supermarket and had to appear in court, taking along her long-suffering husband for marital support.  The prosecution proved that the theft had taken place so the judge told her that, considering her record, he was forced to impose a jail term. 
   "This time you stole a can of tomatoes.  Let us suppose that there were six tomatoes in the can.  Do you agree?"
   The woman agreed. 
  "Then I sentence you to six nights in jail."    

The husband jumped to his feet, addressing the judge,

"Your honor, may I approach the bench?" 
   "Well," said his honor, this is somewhat unusual but I will make an exception in this case. You may approach the bench."
   The husband wasted no time getting there and, leaning forward, he said in a low voice, "She also stole a can of peas, your honor."



Marriage Secret

I met a man who had been married for 66 years. "Amazing. 66 years!" I said. "What's the secret to such a long, happy marriage?"

"Well," he replied, "It's like this. The man makes all the big decisions... and the woman just makes the little decisions." "Really?" I responded. "Does that really work?"

"Oh, yes," he said proudly. "66 years, and so far, not one big decision!"

"Um, hurry up with the rest of them letters will ya."

SPELLING

When my Kid was in the fourth-grade the teacher called on him to spell the word "straight."  He did so correctly.
"Now," asked the teacher, "what does straight mean?"
"Without water," he replied.



Remember the movies and TV show, "Our Gang"??? Wanna know what happened to them? Well, here it is...


Alfalfa -- Carl Switzer was shot to death at age 31.
Chubby -- 300-pound Norman Chaney died at age 22 following an operation.
Buckwheat -- William Thomas died at age 49 of a heart attack.
Darla Hood --The Our Gang leading lady contracted hepatitis and died at 47.
Brisbane -- Kendall McCormas,? Breezy Brisbane?, suicide at age 64
Froggy -- William Robert Laughline killed @ 16 in a motor scooter accident.
Mickey Daniels -- He died of liver disease at 55.
Stymie -- Mathew Bear led a life of crime and drugs. Stroke at age 56.
Scotty Beckett -- He died at age 38 following a brutal beating.
Wheezer -- Robert Hutchins was killed in an airplane accident at age 19.
Pete the Pup -- Poisoned by an unknown assailant.
Spanky -- Robert Blake was recently acquitted of murdering his wife.