for their contributions to today's page.

COLLEGE PRESENT

 

   A grandma was pushing her young grandchild around 
K-Mart in a shopping cart.  Each time she dropped something 
in the cart she would say, "And here's something for you, Diploma," 
or "This will make a nice outfit for you, Diploma," and so on.

  Finally a confused shopper who'd heard all this; finally asked, 
"Why do you keep calling your little grandchild Diploma?"

   The grandma replied, "I sent my daughter to Florida State 
and this is what she came home with!"

 

 

 

A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton!

 

 

 

SOME TIPS ON LIFE & SURVIVAL

 

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.  Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto.  The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

 

2. Clumsy?  Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

 

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat 
by simply using the sink.

 

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself 
and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure 
in your veins.  Remember to use a timer.

 

5. A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock, 
will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep 
after you hit the snooze button.

 

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, 
then you will be afraid to cough.

 

7. Have a bad toothache?  Smash your thumb with a hammer 
and you will forget about the toothache.

 

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

 

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.

       If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.

       If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

 

Remember:

 

      Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

 

      Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

 

      If you woke up breathing, congratulations!

You get another chance.

 

And finally,

Be really nice to your family and friends; 
you never know when you might need them 
to empty your bedpan.

 

 

ON THE JOB

 

"My professional and my personal lives have become way 
too mixed together," the Flight Attendant told her fellow worker.

"Last night my husband woke me up, and began to make love.  
Without thinking, I said, 'Welcome Aboard.'

 

 

 

NEW JOB

 

Lyle's on a new job interview and the Boss told him: 
"I'll give you ten dollars an hour starting today and, 
in three months, I'll raise it to twelve dollars an hour.  
So, when would you like to start?"

So Lyle said: "In three months."

 

 

 

 

INFORMATION FOR THE UN-INFORMED

 

NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake)

 

LOCATION: Throughout the world

 

DESCRIPTION: Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with 
a highly venomous spit. Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, 
depending on its mood and sub-species.

 

SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the 
lower frontal abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. 
Then a severe swelling occurs followed by excruciating pain 
after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. It has also 
been known to attack men in the lower posterior section.

 

HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known 
to appear in the most unusual places.

 

ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. 
However, once the venom is injected into the body, 
only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. 
There is no known antidote for men.

 

* WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED *

 

TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet, as the venom 
is too deep in the body to be affected.

 

CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary 
and ineffective as the initial bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.

 

SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, 
but so far has not been reportedly successful.

 

MILKING THE SNAKE:

 

1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, 
with the thumb in the front.

2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.

3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive, starting to spit.

4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on 
the milker and the last known time the snake attacked.

5. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 15 - 20 minutes.

 

CONCLUSION:

 

This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, 
is not necessarily a vermin and when treated with 
the right kind of respect, makes a wonderful pet.

 

 

BOOZER

 

Lyle went to the bar the other night and told the bartender,
"I'll have a glass of your finest Less, please.

"  Less?  Never heard of it," he said.  

"Ah! Sure you have."   

"No, really, we don't have it.  What is it?  Some kind of foreign drink?"
  

 "I'm not sure," Lyle replied.  
"It was my doctor who suggested it.  

He said I should 'drink Less."

 

 

 

 

80-year-old virgin

 

One day an old lady went to the doctors because she had 
an itch in her crotch.  She told the doctor her problem and he said, 

"You have the crabs".  

She informed the doctor that it could not be the crabs 
because she was an eighty-year-old virgin.

 

She went to another doctor and explained her problem to him.  
The doctor said, "You probably have the crabs".  

"No" she said, "I am an eighty year old virgin."

 

Frustrated, she went to a third doctor.  She said,   
"Doctor can you help me? I have an itch in my crotch.  
Don't tell me that it is the crabs because I am an eighty-year-old virgin. 
 It cannot be the crabs."

 

 The doctor said, "Jump on the table and let's have a look."  

After examining, the doctor proclaimed, 

"Ma'am, your right, you do not have the crabs.  

This cherry is so old, you have fruit flies."

 

 

 

 

 

How to Buy a Porsche 

 

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche 
and his parents began to yell and scream, 

"Where did you get that car???!!!" 

 

 He calmly told them, "I bought it today." 

 

 "With what money?" demanded his parents? We know what 

a Porsche costs." 

 

 "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." 

 

So the parents began to yell even louder. 

"Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said. 

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. 

"I don't know her name-they just moved in.

 She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted 

to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."  

 

"Oh my Goodness," moaned the mother, 

"she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? 

John, you go right up there and see what's going on." 

 

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house 

where the lady lived and found her out in the yard 

calmly planting petunias!  He introduced himself as 

the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche 

for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.  

 

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband.

 I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend 

he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't 

intend to come back.  He claimed he was stranded and asked me 

to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did." 

 

 

 

One for the Ladies:

 

FUNERAL PROCESSION

(DON'T SKIP THE PRAYER AT THE END)

 

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee 

when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching 

the nearby cemetery.

 

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse 

about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse 

was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, 

a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.

 

The woman was so curious that she respectfully approached 

the woman Walking the dog and said, 

"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time

 to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this.

  Whose funeral is it?"

 

"My husband's."

 

"What happened to him?"

 

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

 

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

 

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help

 my husband when the dog turned on her."

 

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between 

the two women.

 

"Can I borrow the dog?"

 

"Get in line."

 

 

 

 

A Woman's Prayer:

 

Dear Lord, I pray for:

Wisdom, To understand a man.

Love, To forgive him and;

Patience, For his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for strength I'll just beat him to death.

 

 

 

THE END