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  A brand new issue 
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Lyle'sPage

                                       Lady Lynx

GREETINGS and WELCOME to all the new readers 
who joined us this past week.
This site contains MOSTLY ADULT MATERIAL. 
It is designed for an ADULT audience.
Nothing here is meant to offend any one!!
If you are easily offended, please, unsubscribe from 
the Reminder e-Mailer - sent to all who requested it. 
A link is included within each reminder.
ENJOY

There are more churches in Las Vegas than Casinos.

During Sunday services at the Offertory, some
worshipers contribute Casino Chips as opposed to cash.
Some are sharing their winnings -
some are hoping to win.

Since there are so many Casinos,
the Catholic churches send all the chips into the
diocese for  sorting. Once sorted for the respective casino
to which the chips belong , a junior priest takes the chips
and makes the rounds of the casinos turning chips into cash.
He is known as -

The CHIP-MONK
                                                                                                                             (Remember . . I DON"T WRITE 'EM.)



female:  You tell a man something, it goes in one ear
and comes out of the other.

male:  You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears
and comes out of the mouth.

The trouble with "the rat-race" is
that even if you win, you're still a rat.



Did you hear about Becky who divorced her
bagel maker husband and re-married a poet?

She went from batter to verse.



Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding,
economical, a good cook, and great in bed. 
But the law allows only one wife.
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Marriages are made in heaven. But, again,
so are thunder, lightning, tornados and hail.
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One woman's hobby is usually another woman's hubby.
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The easiest way to make your old car run better
is to check the prices of a new car.
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It's what people don't know about each other
that makes them such good friends.
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If you can't get a lawyer who knows the law,
best get one who knows the judge.
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A man owes his success to his first wife
and his second wife to his success.
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I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
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A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.
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I'm an excellent housekeeper.
Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
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When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge
than to let him keep her.
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Marriage is like a cage; those outside are desperate to get
in, and those inside desperate to get out.
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Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
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Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

THE JUGGLER

I'm not saying that the customer service in a certain local bank
here in town is bad, but when I went in the other day
and asked the clerk to check my balance...
he leaned over and pushed me.



This guy's in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts,
"BALLROOM PLEASE."

A lady standing in front of him turns around and says,
"I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."    



NOTABLE QUOTES

All receive advice. Only the wise profit from it.
Syrus

What we need is more people who specialize in the impossible.
Theodore Roethke

Every exit is an entry somewhere else.
Tom Stoppard

Don't look back. Something might be gaining on you.
Satchel Paige

He who postpones the hour of living rightly, is like the rustic
who waits for the river to run out before he crosses.
Horace

 I value the friend who for me finds time on his calendar,
but I cherish the friend who for me does not consult his calendar.
Robert Brault

Growth in wisdom may be exactly measured
by a decrease in bitterness.
Friedrich Nietzsche

Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something
that you said couldn't be done.
Sam Ewing
 
Mystery creates wonder and wonder is the basis
of man's desire to understand.
Neil Armstrong

Signs That you are getting Old !

You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

You can live without sex but not without glasses.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in,
no matter who walks into the room.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age...
and isn't breaking any laws.

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"

You have a dream about prunes.

You answer a question with, "Because I said so!"

You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor
to watch television.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

David goes to the doctor and tells him,
"Doc, it's incredible but everytime I sneeze,
I have an orgasm. 
What do you recommend?"

The doctor replied, "Black pepper."



More Advice from
An Old Farmer:

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.

* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

* You cannot unsay a cruel word.

* Every path has a few puddles.

* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty and
when you lay down with dogs you get up with fleas.

* The best sermons are lived, not preached.

* Most of the stuff people worry about
ain't never gonna happen anyway.

* Don't judge folks by their relatives.

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older
and think back,  you'll enjoy it a second time.

* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.

* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with,
watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

* Always drink upstream from the herd.

* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that
comes from bad judgment.

* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier
than puttin' it back in.

* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence,
try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

* Live simply.  Love generously.  Care deeply.  Speak kindly.
Leave the rest to God.

A man was telling his neighbor,
"I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars,
but it's state of the art.
It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor.
"What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."



Three old guys are out walking. First one says,
"Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

Today is National
Female Breast Appreciation Day

Beats the Shit out of
Martin Luther King Day,
Doesn't it?

Idle Thoughts of a Retired Person
Whose Mind Wanders

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up.
Now I don't know what to feed it.
. .
I had amnesia once --- or twice.
. .
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
. .
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
. .
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
. .
They told me I was gullible...and I believed them.
. .
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and,
when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge
his car onto a freeway.
. .
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
. .
Experience is the thing you have left
when everything else is gone.
. .
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
. .
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
. .
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
. .
If swimming is so good for your figure,
how do you explain whales?
. .
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground,
and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

 As we age, our priorities change...

The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife,
dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding
a couple of short velvet ropes.

"Tie me up," she purred,
"and you can do anything you want."

So, I tied her up and went fishing.



Mrs Finkel was in her garden, hanging up her washing
on the line when her gossipy neighbor poked her head
over the fence. "I hate to tell you this, Rachel,"
said the gossip, "but there's a rumor that your
husband, Abe, is chasing the girls. And at his age
too!" she clucked like a chicken. "He's seventy-five, no?"

"Nu, so he's seventy-five," replied Mrs Finkel. "So
let him chase girls. Dogs chase cars - but when they
catch one, can they drive it?"

An old man  in a restaurant, calls over the waiter and asks,
“Do you have matzoh balls?”

“No,” replies the waiter,
“I always walk like this.”  



Catholic Moms
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together,
discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends,
"My son is a priest.  When he walks into a room,
everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic woman chirps,
"Well, my son is a bishop.
Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly,
"Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. 
Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. 
The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hardbodied,
well hung, Male stripper.  Whenever he walks into a room,
women say, "My God...."

"The difference between a stupid mistake
and an unavoidable error, depends largely
on how high up the ladder it was made."

  
  and BRING THEM HOME, 
  NOW . . . ALIVE! 

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On The Jersey Shore

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