A very elderly gentleman (mid-nineties), very well dressed,
hair well groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel,
 smelling slightly of  a good after-shave, presenting a
well-looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady (mid-eighties).
The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink,
takes a sip, turns to her, and says,
"So tell me, do I come here often?"

 
"Who gossips to you will gossip of you."
~ Puerto Rican Proverb ~



How the Government Works:
 
Once upon a time the government had a scrap yard in the middle
 of a desert.  Congress said,"  Someone may steal it at night."
So they created a night watchman position and hired a person
at $18,000.00 a year for the job.
              
Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job
without instruction?"  So they created a planning department
and hired two people --  one person to write the instructions
for $22,000.00 and one person to do time studies
for an additional $22,000.00 per year.
              
Then congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is
doing the tasks correctly?"  So they created a
quality control department and hired two people.
 One was to do the studies for $31,000.00
and one to write the reports for an additional $31,000,00 per year.
            
Then Congress said,  "How are these people going to get paid?"
So they created the following positions:
a time keeper for a $35,000.00 annual salary
and a payroll officer for an additional $35,000.00.
 Then they created an administrative section and hired
 three more people -- an  Administrative Officer at $155,000.00
per year, an Assistant Administrative Officer at $125,000.00
and a Legal Secretary at $100,000.00 per year.          

Then Congress said, "We have had this operating for one year
with a budget cost of $574,000.00
and we are $18,000.00 over budget.
We must cut back costs."
                
SO THEY LAID OFF THE NIGHT WATCHMAN.    
 



 
Well. it must be SOMEBODY'S birthday !

 


 
 
 
George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld
are flying on Air Force One.
  The President looks at the Vice President, chuckles, and says,
"You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out the window
right now and make somebody very happy."
   The Vice President shrugs and says,
"Well, I could throw 10 $100 bills out the window
and make 10 people very happy."
   Not to be outdone, the Secretary of Defense says,
"Of course, then, I could throw 100 $10 bills out the window
and make a hundred people very happy."

   The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot,
"Such arrogant people back there.  I could throw the three of them
out the window and make 56 million people really happy."
 



CAN OF WORMS

A minister decided that a visual demonstration
would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon,
the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation -
What can you learn from this demonstration?
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

Don't you just love little old ladies????


 

 
 

THE WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
 
The girl said, "NO!" 

And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and
played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END



 Obeying His Owner

Pulling into the crowded parking lot at the shopping center I rolled
down the car windows to make sure my puppy had fresh air...

She was stretched full out on the back seat and I wanted to impress
upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward,
pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay.
Do you hear me? "Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a gorgeous young blonde, gave me a
strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park?


 
Our four children, always on the go, frequently communicate
with each other by leaving notes around the house telling
where they've gone, what they're doing, or whatever. Recently,
we came across the following written exchange between
Michael, 18, and Steve, his 12-year-old brother:

"Steve--borrowed your hairbrush.  I'll return it when I get back.
If you need one, mine is in Mom's car
(which is why I had to borrow yours).  Mike."

Steve's response, written on the same note was: 
"Mike -- It's not mine. 
It's the dog's hairbrush.  Steve"



You're No Longer a Kid When...

Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.

 You have friends who have kids.

 You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's play land.

 Your parents' jokes are now funny.

 Naps are good.

 When things go wrong, you can't just yell, "Do-over!"

 You WANT clothes for Christmas.

 You look in the surveillance camera monitor at the convenience store,
wonder who that guy is standing at the counter with the bald spot,
and then realize it is a shot of you from behind.

HOW THE DISHWASHER WORKS

The absolute end !