MOSTLY ADULT JOKES AND HUMOR.
IF EASILY OFFENDED, LEAVE NOW !
IF UNDER 18 JUST GO AWAY,
and straighten up your room.

   "A Day without a Smile is like a Day without Sunshine


Many thanks to
Heartlast, Trish, K1mmm, Paulette, Tootsie, 
Philalakes, JimH031762
for contributing to the content of today's page

  A brand new weekly issue 
will be online every SATURDAY.

Next  SATURDAY

Lyle'sPage

                                       Lady Lynx

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Sound Exercising Advice

A few words of advice for all those wishing to take up
exercise to rid themselves of a few pounds
after the excesses of the holiday season !!

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you
at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months
in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

  The only reason I would take up exercising is
so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

 I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

  I have to exercise early in the morning
before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

  I like long walks, especially
when they are taken by people who annoy me.

  I have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

  The advantage of exercising every day
is that you die healthier.

  If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

And last but not least:   I don't exercise because
it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

SOME WIRES CROSSED

A Woman's Poem
   
  He didn't like the casserole
  And he didn't like my cake.
  My biscuits were too hard...
  Not like his mother used to make.

  I didn't perk the coffee right
  He didn't like the stew,
  I didn't mend his socks
  The way his mother used to do.

  I pondered for an answer
  I was looking for a clue.
  Then I turned around and smacked him ...
  Like his Mother used to do!

I wonder....

1. Can you cry under water?

2. How important does a person have to be before they are 
considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

3. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

4. Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

5. Why do you have to "put your two cents in".  But it's only a "penny
for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going?

6. Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes
you were buried in for eternity?

7. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

8. What disease did cured ham actually have?

9. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out
it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

10. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby"
when babies wake up like every two hours?

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Redneck Video Game

Use your BACK button after viewing to return to The Copy Macheen
DON'T GET X'd OFF SITE

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Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit
and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"nitur e.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is
an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy,
walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Dogs and cats are better than kids ...they eat less,
don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train,
usually come when called, never drive your car,
don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink,
don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear
your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college-
and if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.

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A newlywed couple who were both avid baseball fans
attended a game at Yankee Stadium. They were still on
their honeymoon and very affectionate, hugging
and kissing so much that they weren't able to follow
the game.

After a couple of seconds of thought the young bride
says, "I've got an idea, honey. You kiss me on the
strikes and I'll kiss you on the balls."

Reagan's last words.....

I don't know whether or not you watched the memorial service for
Ronald Reagan, but if you did, you probably noticed that
Bill and Hillary were both dozing off.
 
President Ronald Reagan,  who  never missed chance for a good
one-liner, raised  his head out of his casket and said...

"I see the Clinton's are finally sleeping together."

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten
Commandments. They were ready to
discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone
could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,
"Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."

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A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his
mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies,
"Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion,
"Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says,
"Son, all household appliances come in white."

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63% of men have had sex in the shower.

The other 37% have never been to prison.
Jay Leno

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Ask any Jewish psychologist and he will tell you
that any woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.
While this has been verified by a recent sociological
study, it appears that most men do not realize that in
the Jewish woman's version of this fantasy,
one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

MAINE LOBSTERS

Something Here For All of Us

New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases are designed to
provide the means for the proper exchange of ideas and
information with more efficient fulfillment of daily relationships.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.

TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the fuck didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Fuck you!

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.

A traveling salesman on business in West Virginia met a young
lady in a bar, and invited her to his room.

As she was disrobing, he said, "Say, how old are you?"

"Thirteen." she said.

"Thirteen?!  My God!  You're a child!  Put your clothes back
on right now and get out of here!"

On her way out the door, the confused nymphet paused,
turned to him, and said,
"You're superstitious, right?"

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Sadie and Esther are sitting on the porch
of their Miami Beach hotel.

"Oh my God," cries Sadie. "Look at that poor boy!
Such a weak chin. His mouth is crooked.
And look, his eyes are crossed."

"That boy," says Esther, "happens to be my son."

"Oh," replies Sadie. "but on him it's very becoming.

After hearing that the state of Florida changed its opinion
and let a Muslim woman have her picture on her driver's license
with her face covered.
This is an editorial written by an American citizen,
published in a Tampa newspaper.
Read on, please!

IMMIGRANTS, NOT AMERICANS, MUST ADAPT.
I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending
some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on
Sept. 11, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the
majority of Americans. However, the dust from the attacks
had barely settled when the "politically correct" crowd began
complaining about the possibility that our patriotism
was offending others.

I am not against immigration, nor do I hold a grudge against
anyone who is seeking a better life by coming to America.
Our population is almost entirely made up of descendants
of immigrants. However, there are a few things that those
who have recently come to our country, and apparently
some born here, need to understand. This idea of America
being a multicultural community has served only to
dilute our sovereignty and our national identity.
As Americans, we have our own culture, our own society,
our own language and our own lifestyle. This culture
has been developed over centuries of struggles, trials,
and victories by millions of men and women
who have sought freedom.

We speak ENGLISH,
not Spanish, Portuguese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian,
or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of
our society, learn the language!

"In God We Trust "
is our national motto. This is not some Christian,
right wing, political slogan. We adopted this motto because
Christian men and women, on Christian principles,
founded this nation! , and this is clearly documented.
It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools.
If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another
part of the world as your new home, because
God is part of our culture !

If STARS and STRIPES offend you, or you don't like UNCLE SAM,
then you should seriously consider a move to another part
of this planet. We are happy with our culture and have
no desire to change, and we really don't care how you
did things where you came from... This is OUR COUNTRY,
our land, and our lifestyle. Our First Amendment gives
every citizen the right to express his opinion and
we will allow you every opportunity to do so.
But once you are done complaining, whining,
and griping about our flag, our pledge,
our national motto, or our way of life,
I highly encourage! you take advantage of one other great
American freedom, THE RIGHT TO LEAVE.

If you agree -- pass this along;
if you don't agree -- delete it!

AMEN

Dear friend:

George Bush and Republican leaders have made phasing out Social Security
 through privatization and massive benefit cuts their top priority for 2005. 
Members of Congress are choosing sides over the next couple of weeks.

We need to make sure they choose correctly now--before a massive election-style 
campaign by George Bush and the Wall Street interests gets to them 
including what might be a $100 million TV ad campaign.

MoveOn PAC is collecting signatures to present to lawmakers.
 You can sign the petition now at:

http://www.moveonpac.org/socialsecurity/

Thanks.

 THE END


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BARNEGAT, NEW JERSEY
On The Jersey Shore

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