KIDS
A visiting minister prayed:
"Dear Lord", he
began, with arms
extended toward heaven and a
rapturous look on his upturned
face,
"Without you we are but
dust."
He would have continued; but,
he stopped and burst out
in laughter when, at that very
moment, my daughter
leaned over to me and, in her
shrill,
little, 4-year-old
girl voice, quite audibly
asked:
"Mom, what is butt dust?"
A woman and her son were taking a
cab in New York City.
It was raining
and all the hookers were standing
under
the awnings.
"Mom," said the little
boy,
"what are
all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their
husbands to get off work,
"she
replied.
The cabby turns around and
says,
"Geez lady, why don't you tell
him the truth?
They're hookers, boy!
They have sex
with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and
he says,
"Is that
true, Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the
cabby,
answers in the
affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid
asks,
"Mom, what happens
to
the babies those women have?"
"Most of them are cab
drivers," she replied.
FLOWERS
There was this fellow from
Tennessee,
driving down I-40 South who had a
flat tire.
He pulled off on the side of the
road, jumped out of his car,
walked down the hillside and picked
a bunch of wildflowers, and
proceeded to put one bouquet of the
flowers in front of the car and one
behind it. Then he got back in
the car to wait....
An out of state traveler headed for
New Orleans, studied the scene
as he drove by and was so curious he
turned around and went back.
He asked the fellow what the
problem was.
The man replied, "I gotta flat
tarr."
In response the passerby asked,
"But what's with the
flowers?"
The man responded, "When you
break down, they tell you
to put flares in the front and
flares in the back!
I never did understand it
neither.
IRISHMAN'S
DAUGHTER
An Irishman's daughter had not been
home for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her father berated
her;
" Where have you been all this
time, you ingrate!
Why didn't you write us, not
even a line to let us
know
how you were doing?
Why
didn't you call? You little
tramp!
Don't you know what you put your Mum
through??!!"
The girl, crying, replied,
"Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became
a prostitute..."
"WHAT!!? Out of here, you
shameless harlot! Sinner!
You're a disgrace to this family - I
don't ever want to see you
again!"
"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just
came back to give Mom
this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a
ten bedroom mansion,
plus a savings account
certificate for $5 million.
For my little brother, this gold Rolex
and for you, Daddy,
the brand new Mercedes limited edition
convertible
that's parked outside plus a lifetime
membership to the Country
Club...(takes a breath)...an
invitation for you all to spend
New Years' Eve on board my new
yacht in the Riviera,
and...."
"Now what was it you said you had
become?"
The girl, crying again said, "a
prostitute, Dad!"
"Oh! Sweet Jesus! You scared me
half to death, girl!
I thought you said "a
Protestant".
Come
here and give your old man a
hug!
Q. What is it when a man talks dirty
to a woman?
A. Sexual harassment.
Q. What is it when a woman talks dirty
to a man?
A. $3.99 a minute.
Bad Nurse
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway
one day
complaining about Nurse Jenny.
"She's incredibly dumb. She does
everything
absolutely backwards," said one
doctor.
"Just last week, I told her to
give a patient 2 milligrams
of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave
him 10 milligrams
every 2 hours. He nearly died on
us!"
The second doctor said, "That's
nothing. Earlier this week,
I told her to give a patient an enema
every 24 hours.
She tried to give him 24 enemas in one
hour!
The
guy nearly exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear a blood-curdling
scream from down the hall,
"Oh my gosh!" said the
first doctor,
"I just realized I told Nurse
Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
STUD ROOSTER
A farmer goes out one day and buys a
brand new stud rooster for his
chicken coop. The new rooster
struts over to the old rooster and
says, "OK old fart, time
for you to retire."
The old rooster replies,
"Come on, surely you cannot
handle
ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me.
Can't you just let me have
the two old hens over in the
corner?"
The young rooster says,
"Beat it: You are washed up
and I am taking
over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you
what, young stud.
I will race you around the
farmhouse.
Whoever
wins gets the exclusive domain over
the
entire
chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs.
"You know you don't stand a
chance
old man. So, just to be
fair I will give you a head
start."
The old rooster takes off
running. About 15 seconds
later
the young rooster takes off
running after him.
They
round the front porch of the
farmhouse and
the young rooster has closed the
gap. He is already about
5 inches behind the old rooster and
gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in
his usual spot
on the front porch when he sees
the roosters running by.
He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM
- He blows the
young rooster to bits. The
farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
"Dammit... third gay
rooster I bought this
month."
Moral of this story.... Don't
mess with the OLD FARTS - age
and treachery will always
overcome youth and skill
George
& Edith
George, age 92, and Edith, age 89, had
been seeing each other for two years
when they decided that life was too
short and they might as well be
together for the rest of their lives.
Excited about their decision to become
newlyweds, they went for a stroll to
discuss the wedding and what plans
needed to be made. Along their way,
they found themselves in front of a
drugstore.
George said to his bride-to-be,
"Let's go in. I have an
idea."
They
walked to the rear of the store and
addressed
the man behind the counter:
"Are
you the owner?" asked George. The
pharmacist answered,
"Yes, sir, I am. How can I
help you?"
George: "Do you sell heart
medications?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we
do."
George: "How about support hose
for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
George: "What about medications
for rheumatism, osteoporosis &
arthritis?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
George: "How about waterproof
furniture pads & Depends?"
Pharmacist: "Yes sir."
George: "Hearing aids, denture
supplies & reading glasses?"
Pharmacist: "Yes."
George: "What about eye drops,
sleeping pills, Geritol,
Preparation H and Ex Lax?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
George: "You sell wheelchairs,
walkers & canes?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds and sizes.
Why all these questions?"
George smiled, glanced shyly at Edith
and replied to the pharmacist,
"We've decided to get married and
we'd like to use
your store as our Bridal
registry."
Two little boys are in a hospital,
lying on stretchers next
to each other outside the operating
room.
The first kid leans over and asks,
"What are you in for?"
The second kid says, "I'm here to
get my tonsils out
and
I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got
nothing to worry about.
I
had that done when I was four. They
put you to sleep,
and
when you wake up, they give you lots
of Jell-O
and
ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What
are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A
circumcision."
The second kid says, "Whoa, Good
luck, buddy.
I had that done when I was born.
Couldn't walk for a year."
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign
hanging over the bar,
which reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand job: $10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary
funds, he walks up to the bar and
beckons to one of the three
exceptionally attractive blondes
serving drinks to an eager-looking
group of men.
"Yes?" she answers with a
knowing smile, "Can I help
you?"
"I was wondering", whispers
the man,
"are you the one who gives the
hand jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs,
"Indeed I am."
The man replies "Well wash your
hands,
I
want a cheese sandwich!"
"What really irritates me
about women is
the way they always leave the toilet
seat down!"
QUICKIES
Q:
What's an Australian kiss?
A:
The same thing as a French kiss, only
down under.
A
lady inserted an' ad' in the
classifieds:
"Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred
letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
The END'S
(Thanks
BTC)
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