LYLE'S    SMILES
"ALWAYS ON THE SUNNY SIDE OF THE STREET"

 CONTINUOUS BACKGROUND MUSIC



ADJUST your SOUND
TUNE it UP - TUNE it DOWN or TURN it OFF HERE

MOSTLY ADULT JOKES AND HUMOR.
IF EASILY OFFENDED, LEAVE NOW !
IF UNDER 18 JUST GO AWAY,
and straighten up your room.

><><

Direct Link to LYLE

A brand new issue
will be online every SATURDAY.

Next  SATURDAY

AJ's        PAGE

Hello Gang! Rather than ramble I'd just like to ask that

we all pray and give what we can to the people who were

victims of hurricane Katrina. I hope that at least one of them

can get a smile from today's material. God Bless all of you!

Thanks to:
LectricLeroy – Jawbrey – Ritewaysid – Icmay – GTHolder – Gorale

The Six Affairs

The First Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from

the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 PM.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified,

she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

 "Where have you been?" demanded his wife

when he entered the house.

 "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with

my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon.

I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said,

"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

The Second Affair

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly

beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try

one last time for the son they always wanted.

After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later.

The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son.

He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.   He went to his wife and told her there was no way he

could be the father of that child.

"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!"

Then he gave her a stern look and asked,

"Have you been fooling around on me?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"

The Third Affair

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine

the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.

As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician,

"but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously

huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

 With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's privates.

He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.

The first person he showed it to was his wife.

 "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said,

and opened up his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" the wife screamed,

"Schwartz is dead!"

The Fourth Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband

opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then

dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered.

"Just pretend you're a statue." -----

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly.

"The Smith's bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much,

I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later

when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning,

the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned

a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

 "Here," he said to the statue, "eat something.

I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody

offered me as much as a glass of water."

The Fifth Affair

A man walks into a nightclub one night.

He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"One Cent?" exclaimed the man.

So the man glances over at the menu and asks,

"Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak,

with chips, peas and a fried egg?" ------

"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the man.

"4 cents," the bartender replied.

"Four Cents?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy

who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."

The Sixth Affair

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining

a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand,

tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber.

He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. 

"Becky my darling," he whispered.

"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

 He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice,

 "I have something that I must confess."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky,

everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no I must die in peace, Becky I slept with your sister,

 your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"

"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky,

"let the poison work."

 ("Sorry to interrupt, it's your wife on line 1 something about

a mistake on the winning number on your lottery ticket")

LEAVING WORK EARLY

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.

Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day,

the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave

right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work,

so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early.

She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son,

and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able

to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and

surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom,

she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly,

she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband

in bed with her boss!

Gently she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead

planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she

was going to go with them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed.

"I almost got caught yesterday."

FRIED EGGS

The wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen and starts screaming:

 "Careful...CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!

You're cooking  too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them!

TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter.  Oh my GOD! WHERE

are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me

when your cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?

Have you LOST your mind?  Don't forget to salt them.

You know you always forget to salt them.  Use the salt.

USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him incredulously.

"What in the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how

to fry a couple of eggs?"

"No," the husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you

what it’s like when I'm driving with you in the car.

WHAT SYNDROME

Two medical students were walking along the street when

they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.

One of the students said to his friend:

"I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class." 

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.

They approached the old man and one of the students said to him:

"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk,

but we  couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.

Could you tell us what it  is?

 The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you'll tell me what you think." 

One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought... but you're wrong."

Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought.... but you're wrong."

So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?"

And the old man said:

"I thought It was a fart........... but I was wrong."

DARK IN HERE

While at work the husband’s wife takes a lover, Unbeknownst to her,

her 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.

The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No thanks."

Boy: "My dad's outside."

 Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy

and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

Man: "How much?"

Boy: "$750."

Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy,

 "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and play catch."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says, "$1,000."

 The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friend like that.

That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to

take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church, the father alerts the priest, makes the boy sit in the confessional and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

NEW SCAM

We are almost into Fall, so BEWARE !!!! I hate it when people

forward bogus warnings...but this one is real, and it's important.

So please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list:

If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting
a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take all your clothes off
and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!!

IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now!

MARITAL DESTRUCTION

MAN walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm
while his wife is lying in bed reading.

Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

Wife replies: "I think you'll find, that is a sheep."

Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

FUR COATS

A Redneck was saying to his friend,
 "My wife seems to have developed some sort of fear
that her collection of fur coats is gonna be stolen.
One day last week I went home early, there I found she'd
hired someone to "guard" them! Matter a fact,
she stationed the poor guy right inside the closet!"

http://www.thecopymacheen.com

Look for a NEW issue every
  SATURDAY

That's all Folks

ALL ISSUES CONTAIN COPY, EITHER
"BORROWED" FROM OTHER PUBLISHERS
OR CONTRIBUTED BY READERS
~~~~ MANY THANKS TO YOU ALL ~~~~
IF YOU SEE AN ITEM WITH COPYRIGHTS, LET ME KNOW
SO I MAY PLACE CREDIT WHERE IT IS RIGHTFULLY DUE.
REMEMBER - IMITATION IS THE SINCEREST FORM OF FLATTERY.

For an E-MAIL REMINDER
of every issue !
It's always FREE

If you are reading this and have not yet signed up,

DO IT NOW

and

   . . . LET'S US KNOW YOU'RE THERE . . .  

SUBSCRIBE TO THE COPY MACHEEN
ajseiler@aol.com

BARNEGAT, NEW JERSEY
On The Jersey Shore

ONLINE SINCE JUNE 14, 2002
VISITS RECORDED SINCE DECEMBER 2002