Debra
or Jack.
A boss was in a quandary, he had to
get rid of one of his staff.
He had narrowed it down to one of
two people, Debra or Jack.
It would be a hard decision to make,
as they were both equally
qualified and both did excellent
work. He finally decided that in the
morning whichever used the water
cooler first would have to go.
Debra came in the next morning,
hugely hung-over after
partying
all night. She went to the cooler to
get some water to take an
aspirin and the boss approached her
and said,
"Debra, I've never done this
before, but I have to lay you or
Jack off."
Debra replied,
"Could you jack off? I feel
like crap."
We're in more trouble than we
thought!
THE SUN RISES WHERE?
While looking at a house, my brother
asked the real estate agent
which direction was north
because, he explained, he didn't
want
the sun waking him up every
morning. She asked,
"Does the sun rise in the
North?"
When my brother explained that
the sun rises in the east,
(and has for some time), she
shook her head and said,
"Oh,
I don't keep up with that
stuff". . . She also
votes!
TIME ZONE
I used to work in technical support
for a 24x7 call center. One
day
I got a call from an
individual who asked what hours the
call center
was open. I told him,
"The
number you dialed is open 24 hours a
day, 7 days a week."
He
responded, "Is that Eastern or
Pacific time?"
Wanting
to end the call quickly, I
said,
"Uh, Pacific" . . He also
votes!.
SUNBURN?
My colleague and I were eating our
lunch in our cafeteria,
when we overheard one of the
administrative assistants
talking
about the sunburn she got on
her weekend drive to the
shore.
She drove down in a convertible, but
"didn't think she'd get
sunburned because the car was
moving". . . .
She
also votes!
GOOD PLACE TO KEEP IT!
My sister has a lifesaving tool in
her car. It's designed
to cut through a seat belt if
she gets trapped.
She keeps it in the trunk . .
.
My
sister also votes!
DISCOUNT
My friends and I were on a beer run
and noticed that the cases
were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big
party, we bought 2 cases.
The
cashier multiplied 2 times 10%
and gave us a 20% discount . .
.
He
also votes!
WOULD IT?
I was hanging out with a friend when
we saw a woman with a
nose
ring attached to an earring by
a chain. My friend said,
"Wouldn't
the chain rip out every time
she turned her head?"
I
explained that a person's nose
and ear remain the same
distance apart no matter which
way the head is turned . .
My
friend also votes!
TAXES
My girlfriend and I were picking up
some sandwiches from
the
sub place last week and she
asked the clerk which of two
sandwiches was better. The
clerk didn't have an
opinion
but
did say that the first sandwich was
more expensive.
My
girlfriend got a quizzical look on
her face and asked,
"If
that's the case, why are they both
listed with the
same
price on the menu?"
To
this, the clerk responded,
"I
don't think we add tax to the
turkey" . . .
The
clerk also votes!
LUGGAGE?
I couldn't find my luggage at the
airport baggage area.
So
I went to the lost luggage
office and told the woman
there
that
my bags never showed up. She
smiled and told me not to worry
because she was a trained
professional and I was in good
hands.
"Now,"
she asked me,
"has
your plane arrived yet?" . .
She
also votes!
THE BOSS
The boss was complaining in our
staff meeting the other day that he
wasn't getting any respect. Later
that morning he went to a local
card
and
novelty shop and bought a small sign
that read, "I'm the
Boss".
He
then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from
lunch, he found that
someone
had taped a note to the sign that
said,
"Your
wife called.
She
wants her sign back!"
A Son's Love....
An old man lived alone in the
country. He wanted to dig his potato
garden but it was very hard work as
the ground was hard. His only son
Fred, who used to help him, was in
prison. The old man wrote a letter
to his son and described his
predicament.
Dear Fred,
I am feeling pretty bad because it
looks like I won't be able to plant
my potato garden this year. I'm just
getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot. If you were here, all
my troubles would be over. I know
you would dig the plot for me.
- Love Dad
A few days later he received a
letter from his son. Dear Dad, For
heaven's sake, don't dig up that
garden! That's where I buried the
BODIES.
- Love Fred
At 4 am the next morning, FBI agents
and local police arrived and dug up
the entire area without finding any
bodies. They apologized to the old
man and left. That same day the old
man received another letter from his
son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the
circumstances.
Love Fred
THE DONKEY AUCTION
A city boy, Kenny, moved to the
country and bought a donkey
from
an old farmer for
$100.00. The farmer agreed to
deliver
the
donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and
said,
"Sorry
son, but I have some bad news, the
donkey died."
Kenny
replied, "Well then, just give
me my money
back."
The
farmer said, "Can't do that. I
went and spent it
already."
Kenny said, "OK then, just
unload the donkey."
The
farmer asked, "What ya gonna do
with him?"
"I'm
going to raffle him off."
Farmer,
" You can't raffle off a dead
donkey!"
"Sure
I can. Watch me. I just
won't tell anybody he is
dead."
A month later the farmer met up with
Kenny and asked,
"What
happened with that dead
donkey?"
"I
raffled him off. I sold 500
tickets at two dollars a piece
and
made
a profit of $898.00."
Farmer,
"Didn't anyone
complain?"
"Just
the guy who won.
So
I gave him his two dollars
back."
Kenny grew up and eventually became
the chairman of Enron.
What's this plate mean? . . lol
And
Here's one for you Gals:
It has been determined that having
sex before participating
in
athletic activity, such as a
marathon race, does not impair
the
athlete's
abilities. In fact, men have known
and displayed this for
centuries. After sex, they
glance at their watches and
say,
"Oops,
gotta run!"
WOMEN'S
HUMOR
My
husband came home with a tube of K Y
jelly and said ,
"This
will make you happy tonight."
He
was right. When he went out of the
bedroom,
I
squirted it all over the
doorknobs.
He
couldn't get back in.
USE
SMILES
PAGE
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. . LET'S US KNOW YOU'RE THERE . . . 
