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This site contains MOSTLY ADULT MATERIAL. 
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Nothing here is meant to offend any one!!
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ENJOY

"If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, Sweetheart,"
said the newlywed bride, "breakfast will be ready."

"Good, what are we having for breakfast?" asked the new
husband.

"Toast" and juice," she replied.

"Doctors and hospitals have gone back to literally the Middle Ages
for a cure they say works better than anything they have
in modern medicine for post-operative blood coagulation.
They are going back to flesh-eating maggots
and blood-sucking leeches.
Or as most people know them, HMOs."
Bill Maher

HOW OLD IS GRANDMA?

Stay with this one -- the answer is at the end. 
It will blow you away.

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother
about current events.

The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The Grandma replied,
"Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:

television
penicillin
polio shots
frozen foods
Xerox
contact lenses
frisbees and the pill

There  was no:

radar
credit cards
laser beams or
pall-point pens

Man had not invented:

pantyhose
air conditioners
dishwashers
clothes dryers
and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air
and man hadn't yet walked on the moon

Your Grandfather and I got married first, . .
and then lived together.

Every family had a father and a mother.

Until  I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir".

And after I turned 25, I still called policemen
and every man with a title,  "Sir."

We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers,
daycare centers, and group therapy.

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments,
good judgment, and common sense.

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong
and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

Serving your country was a privilege;
living in this country was a bigger privilege.

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.

Having a meaningful relationship meant
getting along with your cousins.

Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors
when the evening breeze started.

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings
and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs,
electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.

We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny,
and the President's speeches on our radios.

And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out
listening to Tommy Dorsey.

If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk.

The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.

We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy
things for 5 and10 cents.

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar,
and a Pepsi were all a nickel.

And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel
on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . . .
but who could afford one?

  Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day:

"grass" was mowed,
"coke" was a cold drink,
"pot" was something your mother cooked in and
"rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.
"Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,
" chip" meant a piece of wood,
"hardware" was found in a hardware store and
"software" wasn't even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe
that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.
No wonder people call us "old and confused"
and say there is a generation gap...
and how old do you think I am?

I bet you have this old lady in mind...
you are in for a shock!
Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it
and pretty sad at the same time.

This Woman would be only 
58 years old!



A guy in a bar stood up and shouted,
Lawyers are assholes!"

A guy at the other end of the bar shouted back
"I resent that."

The first guy asked
"Are you a lawyer?"

The second guy responded
"No, I'm an asshole."

QUOTES

The great thing in this world is not so much where we stand,
but in what direction we are moving.
Oliver Wendell Holmes
 
If you are doing your best,
you will not have time to worry about failure.
Robert Hillyer
 
Good friendships are fragile things and require as much care
as any other fragile and precious thing.
Randolph Bourne
 
Don't let other people tell you what you want.
Pat Riley

Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out
how far one can go.
Eliot

Don't cross the stream to look for water.
Swedish Proverb

Avoid the crowd. Do your own thinking independently.
Be the chess player, not the chess piece.
Ralph Charell

It is vital that people "count their blessings" to appreciate
what they possess without having to undergo its actual loss.
Abraham Maslow

Nothing is a waste of time if you use the experience wisely.
Auguste Rodin

Do you prefer that you be right, or that you be happy?
A Course in Miracles

TERROR ALERT IN FRANCE

Paris, July 7, 2005--AP and UPI reported that the French government
has raised its terror alert level from RUN to HIDE on their four-level
danger scale. The two higher French danger levels are
Surrender and Collaborate.

According to informed sources, the rise was precipitated by a fire
yesterday which destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively
paralyzing its military. In light of the recent attacks in London,
it is widely anticipated that the terror alert will be
elevated to the third level before the weekend.



THEIR JEWISH MOTHERS . . .

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER:
"I don't care what you've discovered, you still should have written."

MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Why can't you paint on walls like other children?
Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off of the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"All right, if you're not hiding your report card inside your jacket,
take your hand out of there and show me!"

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Again with the top hat! 
Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac
you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. 
Now turn it off and go to sleep!"

PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man;
midnight is long past your bed-time!"

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"But it's your senior photograph! 
Couldn't you have done something with your hair?"

MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER:
"That's a good story!
Now tell me where you've really been for the last forty years!"

BILL CLINTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"At least she was a nice Jewish girl!"

"No, I'm not mad at you for going too far . . .
I just regret that it was for so LITTLE."

A small boy wrote to Santa Claus: 
"Please send me a baby brother,"

 Santa wrote back:
"Send me your mother..."



TEACHER

    After being interviewed by the school administration,
the eager teaching   prospect said:
"Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into  
that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment
with a love for learning.

  And I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity,
modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and
even censor   their T-shirts, messages and dress habits.

  You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases,
   check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction,
and raise their self esteem.

  You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship,
sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how  
to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job.

I am to check   their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment,
recognize signs   of anti-social behavior, make sure all students pass the   mandatory state exams, even those who don't come to school regularly
or complete any of their? assignments.

Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps
get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical  handicap.  And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter and report card.

  All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a  computer, a few books,
a bulletin board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that
qualifies my family for food  stamps!

You want me to do all of this and yet you expect me. . .
NOT TO PRAY?

 
  and BRING THEM HOME, 
  NOW . . . ALIVE! 

http://www.thecopymacheen.com

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