COWBOY STORY
    
This young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in a small town 
in West Texas.  He sits at the counter and notices an older cowboy 
with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chili.  After about 
15 minutes of just sitting there staring at it, 
the young cowboy bravely asks, 

"if you ain't goin to eat that, mind if I do"?  

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler 
and in his best cowboy manner states 

"Nah, go ahead". 

 Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl 
over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. 
 He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a rotten dead rat 
in the chili.  The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up 
the chili into the bowl.  The old cowboy quietly says, 

"Yep, that's as far as I got, too".

Heed this warning. Do "NOT" lose your Grand kids in the Mall!

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. 
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 

"I've lost my grandpa!" 

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, 
"Crown Royal whisky and women with big tits."

Sunday's Sermon was---Forgive Your Enemies. 

Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, 
"How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 

80% held up their hands. The Minister then
 repeated his question. All responded this time, 
except one small elderly   Lady. 

"Mrs. Jones?"; "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" 

"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly. 

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" 

"Ninety-eight." she replied.

 "Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & 
tell us all how a   person can live ninety-eight years 
& not have an enemy in the world?" 

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the
congregation, and said:

 "I outlived the bitches." 

Hillary Clinton

   Hillary Clinton goes to a new doctor in Washington 
for an examination and he discovers that she has crabs.
   The Doctor thinks to himself, "How am I going to tell 
the senator that she has crabs?"
   After the exam he tells her to get dressed and 
meet him back in his office.  Once there he proceeds 
to tell her that she has a very unusual condition. 
   She is quite concerned and asks him what it is.
   He responds that she is suffering from Nixon's Disease.
   She says, "What?"
   He again responds, "Nixon's Disease."
   She says, "Level with me doc, what does it mean?"
   He responds, "Well Senator Clinton, to put it very bluntly, 
you've got bugs in your oval office."

 

KIDS

The grade school teacher asked the class to think up a sentence 
with the phrase "pistol too". Harvey raised his hand, and said,

 "The old cowboys tamed the wild west with his wagon train 
companions and his pistol too." 

Great says the teacher.

   Little Ralphie  raised his hand, and after being called on said,
 "Over at our house we make Moon-Shine, 
drink till midnight, and piss till two."

COOL NURSE

A well known cool and calm nurse was called to calm down 
a young teen girl who was in labor and having a lot of pain, 
wiggling on the bed, fighting her contractions, swearing,
 and refusing to consider any drugs to calm her.  
Loud and dirty obscenities spew from her room and 
the girl even yelled "FUCK" right into the nurse's face.

   With absolute calm, the nurse patted the girl's arm and said, 
"You've already done that part.  Now it's time to have the baby."

OLD TOM

Upon reaching 65, old Tom decided to retire. After having him 
under foot for a few months, his wife became very agitated with him. 
She suggested he go and do something to occupy him like 
join a club or get a hobby. Old Tom obliged and went out
 for a couple of hours.

When he got home his wife asked about his day and he replied, 
"Oh, I just went down to the corner bar and hung out with the guys. 
Oh yeah, I joined a parachute club." 

 "What? Are you nuts? You're 65 years old and you're going 
to start parachuting?" 

"Yeah, look I even got a membership card." 

 "Old man, you need glasses! This is a membership in a 
PROSTITUTE CLUB!"  

"HOLY CRAP !!! NOW WHAT AM I GONNA DO ?? 
 I'VE SIGNED UP FOR 5 JUMPS A WEEK !!"





The Beach 

A man was sitting on a beach.  He had no arms and no legs. 
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man. 
The first woman said 

"Have you ever had a hug?" 

 The man said  "No" so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said

 "Have you  ever had a kiss?"  

The man said "No", so she gave him a kiss and  walked on.

 The third woman came to him and said "Have you ever been fucked?" 

 The fellow said "No"  

She said "You will be when the tide comes in."

Four Letter Words  
(My Daughter says this was created for her! LOL)

A young couple , a Long Island princess and her childhood  
sweetheart who had just finished his residency got married and  
went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride  
immediately called her mother. 
"Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"  

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So  
romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. 
"But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started 
using the most horrible language  
-- things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful  
4-letter words! You've got to take me home..., PLEASE MAMA!"  

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "Calm down! You need to stay  
with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could  
be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"  

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter,  
"I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! 
COME GET ME, PLEASE!"  

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so  
upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"  

Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words  
like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."  

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.-  

DEMANDS

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting 
at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting 
all alone at a nearby table. He calls the waiter over and asks 
for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, 
knowing that, if she accepts it, she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly brings it over to the woman, 
saying this is from the gentleman over there.

She looks at the wine and sends a note over to the man. The note reads, "You need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars 
in the bank, and seven inches in your pants."

The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note 
of his own back to her. His note reads: 
"Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, 
a BMW 850, and a Mercedes 600 SL, in my garage. 
I have over twenty- five million dollars in the bank. 
But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, 
would I cut three inches off.

JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK."

WHAT HALLMARK WON'T PRINT

 Before I Met you I was alone and miserable, 
now that I'm married to you , you made me realize on thing..........
I was better off alone

You know It's Time To diet When . . .

. . . you dance and it makes the band skip. 

. . . you are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, 
and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live. 

. . . you put mayonnaise on an aspirin. 

. . . you go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts. 

. . . your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side." 

. . . you ran away and they had to use all four sides 
of the milk carton for your picture. 

. . . you learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth. 

. . . you could sell shade. 

. . . your blood type is Ragu. 

. . . you need an appointment to attend an 'open house'. 

. . . The buttons on your shirts are declared legal weapons.

. . . You go to Sam's Tent and Awning for custom fit clothing.

THE ENDS    (OH MY!)