QUESTION ON RADIO
The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking
questions
when a caller
asked,
"Doctor, I want
to know, why do men always want to marry a virgin?"
To which the doctor handily responded,
"To avoid
criticism."
LION TAMER
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two
people show up.
One is a good looking, older retired navy chief in his
mid-sixties
and the other is a gorgeous redhead in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to
sugar coat it.
This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you
guys
better be good or you're history. Here's your
equipment --
chair, whip and a gun. Who
wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past
the chair, the whip
and the gun and steps
right into the lion's cage. The lion starts
to snarl and
pant and begins to charge her. About half way
there,
she throws open
her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops
dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her
and starts
licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick
and kiss her entire
body for several minutes
and then rests his
head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says,
"I've never seen
a display like that in my life."
He then turns to the
retired chief and asks,
"Can you top that?"
The tough old chief
replies,
"No problem, just
get that goddamn lion out of the way!"
GOOD ADVICE
At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on
her idea
of the perfect mate to some of her friends.
"The man I marry must be a standout amongst
company.
He must be musical, humorous, have a good singing
voice,
entertain, and not run around but stay home at
night!"
An old spinster overheard and spoke up,
"Lady, if that's all you want, get a TV!"
COLD WATER
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very
secluded,
rural area of Georgia. After spending a great evening
chatting
the night away, John's grandfather prepared
breakfast of bacon,
eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like
substance
on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking,
"Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold
water can get them.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal,
Sonny!"
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John
was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have
tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg
and asked,
"Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up the old man said,
"I told you
before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as
cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't
want to hear
another word about it!"
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby
town
and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to
growl,
and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said,
"Grandfather,
your dog won't let me get to my car".
Without diverting his attention from the football
game
he was watching on TV,
the old man shouted ............
"COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"
BREAKFAST
Ole Dan always ordered just poached eggs and toast
everyday.
Dan, would go to the diner and always study the
menu
carefully every day before ordering.
One day Dan’s regular waitress decided to see if he
could be
made to change his choice to something else.
Before giving him
the menu she marked out the ham and eggs entry.
After waiting a few minutes she asked,
"Did you notice, sir, that I scratched something
that you like?"
Without looking up
from the menu, he replied,
"So go wash your
hands and bring me
some poached eggs and toast."
........... AND THE WINNER IS?????
Number One Idiot
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in
toxicology
at the poison control center. Today, this woman called
in
very upset because she caught her little daughter
eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants
are
not harmful and there would be no need to bring her
daughter
into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of
the
conversation happened to mention that she gave her
daughter
some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told
her that
she better bring her daughter into the emergency room
right away.
Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
Number Two Idiot
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield
decided
to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were
successful
in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly
after they took it
for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard
helicopter
coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was
homing
in on the emergency locator beacon that activated
when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed
at Boeing.
Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint
might run.
Number Three Idiot
A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob
a
downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and
wrote,
"this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this
bag."
While standing
in line, waiting to give his note to the teller,
he began to worry that someone had seen him write the
note
and might call the police before he reached the
teller's window.
So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to
Wells Fargo.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note
to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising
from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest
light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept
his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of
America deposit slip and that he would either have to
fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank
of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man
said,
"OK" and
left.
He was arrested a few
minutes later, as he was waiting in line back
at Bank of
America. Don't bother with this guy's
sign.
He probably couldn't
read it anyway.
Number four Idiot
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed
trap that measured his speed using radar and
photographed his car.
He later received in
the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.
Instead of payment, he
sent the police department
a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter
from the police that
contained another picture, this time of
handcuffs.
He immediately mailed
in his $40.
Another sign (though this guy might be onto
something
worth thinking about!)
Number Five Idiot
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun
and
demanded all of the
cash from the cash drawer.
After the cashier put
the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle
of Scotch that he
wanted behind the counter on the shelf.
He told the cashier to
put it in the bag as well, but the cashier
refused and
said,
"Because I don't
believe you are over 21."
The robber said he
was, but the clerk still refused
to give it to him
because he didn't believe him.
At this point, the
robber took his driver's license out of his wallet
and gave it to the
clerk. The clerk looked it over and
agreed that the man
was in fact over 21
and he put the Scotch
in the bag.
The robber then ran
from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave
the
name and address of
the robber that he got off the license.
They arrested the
robber two hours later.
This guy definitely needs a sign!
Idiot Number Six
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop
nervously waving
revolvers. The first one shouted,
"Nobody
move!"
When his partner
moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
This guy doesn't need
a sign, he probably figured it out himself.
Idiot Number Seven
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty
badly.
He decided that he'd
just throw a cinder block through
a liquor store window,
grab some booze, and run.
So he lifted the
cinder block and heaved it over his head at the
window.
The cinder block
bounced back and hit the would-be thief on
the head, knocking him
unconscious. It seems the liquor store
window was made of
Plexi-Glass.
The whole event was
caught on videotape.
Oh, that smarts. Give him his sign.
Idiot Number Eight
Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported
that a man walked into
a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan
at 12:50 A. M.,
flashed a gun and demanded cash.
The clerk turned him
down because he said he couldn't
open the cash register
without a food order.
When the man ordered
onion rings, the clerk said they
weren't available for
breakfast.
The man, frustrated,
walked away.
Sign please.
***Please note that all of the above people are allowed
to vote.***
A
successful husband is one who makes more money
than
his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who
can
find such a man!
A
woman worries about the future until she gets a
husband.
A
man never worries about his future until he gets a wife!
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