MOSTLY ADULT JOKES AND HUMOR.
IF EASILY OFFENDED, LEAVE NOW !
IF UNDER 18 JUST GO AWAY,
and straighten up your room.

   "A Day without a Smile is like a Day without Sunshine


Many thanks to
Tomacho, Trish, Tootsie, Reinbohntr, 
Paulette, Heartlast, WilsonKKW
for contributing to the content of today's page

  A brand new issue 
will be online every SATURDAY.

Next  SATURDAY

Lyle'sPage

                                       Lady Lynx

GREETINGS and WELCOME to all the new readers 
who joined us this past week.
This site contains MOSTLY ADULT MATERIAL. 
It is designed for an ADULT audience.
Nothing here is meant to offend any one!!
If you are easily offended, please, unsubscribe from 
the Reminder e-Mailer - sent to all who requested it. 
A link is included within each reminder.
ENJOY

Did you hear about the scientist who crossed 
a carrier pigeon with a woodpecker? 

He got a bird that not only delivers messages, 
but knocks on the door when it gets there.



Blonde Moments!

A knockout blonde with a fine set of knockers complains to the doctor,
"I believe I am losing my mind. 
I can't remember ANYTHING after five minutes!"

The doctor answers, in his most comforting tone, 
"Just take off all your clothes, miss,
and lie down..."

Aaron is sitting on a bench in the park with his friend Irving. 
Neither has spoken for 10 minutes when Aaron suddenly says, 
"Do you know what, Irving?" 

"No, what Aaron?"

"Mine Becky," continues Aaron, "is very knowledgeable.
She reads the Times newspaper every day from front to back; 
she watches the news on TV every hour; 
she reads all kinds of books 
and she regularly goes to evening classes. 
She is so up-to-date about current affairs 
that she can talk all night on any subject." 

"So what?" says Irving,
"Mine Sadie doesn't need a subject." 

The doctor, who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman
for most of her life, finally retired. At her next checkup, 
the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines 
that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor 
was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he 
realized she has a prescription for birth control pills. 

"Mrs. Cohen, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?!?"

"Yes, they help me sleep at night." 

"Mrs. Cohen, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING 
in these pills that could possibly help you sleep!" 

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.

"Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up 
and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 
16 year old granddaughter drinks...
And believe me ...it helps me sleep at night!" 




  One year, a particular harried husband decided to buy his 
mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still 
haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"



A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class and she
presented each child in her class the first half of a well known proverb
and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their
insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind these are first
graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is classic!

1. Don't change horses..........................until they stop running.
2. Strike while the........................................bug is close.
3. Its always darkest before.....................Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of ...... termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but ......... how?
6. Don't bite the hand that.................... looks dirty.
7. No news is.................................................impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a............................... Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new ............. math
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll .... stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust................................... me.
12. The pen is mightier than the ............... pigs
13. An idle mind is...............................the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's ................ pollution.
15. Happy the bride who.........................gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is ................................. not much.
17. Two's company, three's ..................... the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what........ you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ......
you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none as blind as................ Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not........... spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed.................... get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you........ 
see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind.............. get out of the way.

And the WINNER and last one is
25. Better late than ..... pregnant.

An elderly couple was sitting on the out porch.
The husband turned to his wife and said,

"Muffin, I feel like making love tonight.”

The wife replied, "Ok Ernest, I will let you, but be gentle this time."

"But I am always gentle with you, dearest," he said.

"That’s not true, she replied.
"The last time you woke me up TWICE!"

One afternoon my wife went shopping and returned 
a few hours later with TEN new dresses.

"TEN!" I hollered. 
"What could any woman possibly want with ten new dresses?"

My wife replied in a calm voice: 
"Ten new pairs of shoes." 



A married couple was sitting in a restaurant when the wife looks
over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

The husband says "I notice you've been watching that man for
some time now.  Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and he's been drinking
like that since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anyone
could celebrate that long."



A Salesman was traveling by train with his bride for his honeymoon 
to Florida. He was talking to an old gentleman with whom he had 
made an acquaintance. He told him 

"I am going with my wife for my 
honeymoon and spend it in Florida" 

The gentleman asked 
"Are you going to Tampa with her?" 

"You are damn right that I am going to tamper with her, 
but what's that to you?"



Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody public. 
So when one irate customer stormed my desk, 
I responded in my calmest voice,

"What's the trouble?"

"I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home I found a 
card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was home. 
My husband was in all morning. HE NEVER HEARD A THING!" 

After apologizing, I got her parcel. 
"Oh, good," she gushed. 
"We've been waiting for this for ages." 

"What is it?" I asked. 

"My husband's new hearing aid."



'Male' Slot


The call girl confided to her friend, "I'm afraid I'm 
going to have to give up analysis."

"But why?  Isn't Dr. Greene helping you?"

"Yes, a lot," the call girl agreed.  "Problem is, I just can't get used

to lying down for a guy and then having to pay HIM."



A lady goes into a bar and sees a cowboy with his feet propped 
upon a table. He has the biggest feet she's ever seen.

The woman asks the cowboy if it's true what they say about men 
with big feet (...big feet = big U KNOW what ...)

"Sure is, why don't you come back to my place 
and let me prove it?"

The woman figures why not and spends the night with him.

The next day she hands the cowboy a $100 bill.

Blushing, he says, "Shucks, ma'am, I'm flattered, 
nobody ever paid me for my services before."

The woman said, "Well don't be.  Just take this money 
and buy yourself some boots that fit!"



A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks.
He wanted a  truck.
She wanted a fast little sports-like car
so she could zip through  traffic around town.
He would probably  have settled on any beat up old truck,
but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. 

"Look," she said,
"I want something that goes from  0 to 200 in just a few seconds. 
Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming  up so surprise me!"
     
He did just that. For her birthday,
he  bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Nobody has seen or heard from him since.

THOUGHTS
><
You have two choices in life: 
You can stay single and be miserable, 
or get married and wish you were dead. 
><
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, 
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man." 
><
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: 
"Husband Wanted"
Next day she received a hundred letters. 
They all said the same thing: 
"You can have mine."
><
When a woman steals your husband, 
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him. 
><
A woman is incomplete until she is married.
Then she is finished. 
><
A little boy asked his father, 
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" 
Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."
><
A young son asked, 
"Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa 
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son." 
><
Then there was a woman who said, 
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, 
and by then, it was too late." 
><
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. 
><
If you want your spouse to listen and 
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep. 
><
Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all. 
><
First guy says, "My wife's an angel!" 
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive." 

What do you give the blonde who has everything?

Penicillin.




A Woman's Prayer
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand  a man, to love 
and to forgive him, and for Patience, for his moods. 
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, 
I'll just beat him to death.



"Don't Talk to the Parrot"

 A woman's dishwasher quit working one day 
so she called a repairman. 

Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, 
"I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, 
leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check." 

"Oh, & by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. 
He won't bother you. 
But, whatever you do, do NOT,
under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" 
"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"  

When the repairman arrived at the woman's apartment the following day,
he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. 

But, just as the woman had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet 
watching the repairman go about his work. 

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his 
incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman 
couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, 
"Shut up, you stupid, fuckin ugly bird!" 

To which the parrot replied,
"AWK . . SIC HIM, SPIKE!" 

"No mme, I'm not gay! I just have a weak stomach."

It was election time and a politician decided to go out 
to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote. 
They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech.  
The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was 
getting more and more excited. 

"I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!" 

The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya!  Hoya!" 

The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, 
but was encouraged by their enthusiasm.

"I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!" 

"Hoya!  Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet. 

"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!"

The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya!  Hoya!  Hoya!" 

After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, 
and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. 
Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle,
he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle. 
 
"Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya." 

Bill Moyer, 73, wears a "Bullshit Protector" flap over his ear while
President George W. Bush addresses the Veterans of Foreign Wars.
(AP Photo/Douglas C. Pizac)

  
  and BRING THEM HOME, 
  NOW . . . ALIVE! 

HUNK

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On The Jersey Shore

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