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NOVEMBER 2nd 2005

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MOSTLY ADULT JOKES AND HUMOR.
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"A Day without a Smile is like a Day without Sunshine

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A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab,
and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you,
but I don't want to offend you".

She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me.
When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have,
you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says,
"Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy ! with a kiss that would make a
hooker blush. But when they get back on the road,
the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied I must confess,
I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin
and I'm going to a Halloween party."

The Bannister Of Life...
Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
-
Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book.
It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
-
Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
-
The difference between the Pope and your boss ...
the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
-
My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
-
The only time the world beats a path to your door is
if you're in the bathroom.
-
I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up,
the drink spilled and the ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
-
It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable.
Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
-
A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out,
gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
-
My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines
and a large trash can.
-
A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off.
I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
-
I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra.
He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
-
My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was
and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies
could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will.
He said, "Will? What Will?
I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."
-
As we slide down the banister of life,
may the splinters never point the wrong way.

As the storm began to rage, the absent minded professor
started outside when his wife stopped him, asking,
"Hey, where do you think you're going, George?"

"I'm going out to water the flowers," replies the professor.

"But... dear, it's raining outside!" replies his wife.

"You're right," says the professor, closing the door
and now walking to the closet.

"I'd better take my umbrella."

A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm,
his mother asked if he had done his chores.

       Not yet, said the little boy.
His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast
until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed,
so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
     He goes back in for breakfast and his mother
gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?
Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

     "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken,
so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig,
so you don't get any bacon, either.
I also saw you kick the cow,
so you aren't getting any milk this morning."

     Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast,
and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen.

     The little boy looks up at his mother with a wicked little smile,
and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

In a high school science quiz, there was the question,
"When water becomes ice,
which of its physical properties increases?"

Everyone answered, "Its volume increases."

Except one wise guy who wrote,
"When water becomes ice, its price increases."

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Stumpy received a bill from the hospital for his recent surgery,
and was astonished to see a $900 fee for the anesthesiologist.
He called the doctor's office to demand an explanation.

"Is this some kind of mistake?" he asked
when he got the doctor on the phone.

"No, not at all," the doctor said calmly.

"Well," said Stumpy, "That's awfully costly for
knocking someone out."

"Not at all," replied the doctor.
"I knock you out for free.
The 900 dollars is for bringing you back around."

Just Some Sillies
- -
Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
-
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.   One says,
"I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
-
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says,
"I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
-
A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says,
"Sorry we don't serve food in here."
-
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
-
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt
   under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."
-
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?"
-
Two cows standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly,
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," said Dolly.

It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
-
An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.
-
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
-
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day
but I couldn't find any.
-
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted,
" Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied,
"I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
-
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel
-
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly;
but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank,
proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
-
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A Fish.

A man walked into a restaurant and seated himself.
Soon, the waitress came over to take his order.
". . .and to drink?" she asked.

The man said he would like coffee. The waitress promptly
returned with a cup of coffee, but spilled it on the man's lap
when she stopped at the table.
"Oh my God; I am so sorry!"

"That's OK," the man said, sopping up the puddle on his pants
with his a napkin -
"but tell me, is this regular or decaf?"

"Regular," she replied.

"Oh great, now this thing is going to be up all night!"

QUOTES
- -
I believe in censorship.
After all, I made a fortune out of it.
Mae West
-
She thought that the price of the meal would be on the house.
I told her that the only thing on the house was the roof.
-
   Mobile phones are the only subject on which men boast about
who's got the smallest.
-
Drive carefully.
It's not only cars that can be recalled by their makers.
-
   A fanatic is one who can't change his mind
and won't change the subject.
Winston Churchill
-
He who asks is a fool for five minutes,
but he who does not ask, remains a fool forever.
-
A new British survey has revealed
that 9 out of 10 people like Chocolate.
The tenth lies.
-
   Committee - a group of men who individually can do nothing
but as a group decide that nothing can be done.
Fred Allen
-
If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much.
Just an occasional sun visor.
Grocho Marx
-
Children really brighten up a household.
They never turn the lights off.

Doug went to a psychiatrist and said,
"Doc, I'm really worried about my wife.
Yesterday she posed for a nude picture."

The psychiatrist said, "Well I wouldn't worry about that.
It's probably just an expression of her interest in art.
What was the nude picture for?"

"Her driver's license," answered Doug.

Men Are Like . .

Men are like.....Floor Tiles.
If you lay them right the first time,
you can walk all over them for years.

Men are like.....Bank Accounts.
Without a lot of money,
they don't generate much interest.

Men are like.....Blenders.
You need one,but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like.....Coffee.
The best ones are rich, hot, and
can keep you up all night.

Men are like.....Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like.....Computers.
Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Men are like....Cool Boxes.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take a long time to mature.

Men are like.....Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like.....Parking spots.
The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left
are either disabled or extremely small.

Men are like.....Place mats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like.....Snow storms.
You never know when they're coming,
how many inches you'll get or
how long they'll last.

Men are like.....Used Cars.
Easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable.

Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."

"And did he?"

"Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."

We took the family to one of those restaurants
where the walls are plastered with movie memorabilia.
I went off to see the hostess about reserving a table.

When I returned, I found my 11-year-old daughter
staring at a poster of Superman standing in a phone booth.
She looked puzzled.

"She doesn't know who Superman is?"
I whispered to my husband.

"Worse," he replied.
"She doesn't know what a phone booth is."

Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father
and mother rather than all major credit cards.
Robert Orben

The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.
Joseph Campbell

Death is not the greatest loss in life.
The greatest loss is what dies within us while we live.
Norman Cousins

The more faithfully you listen to the voice within you,
the better you will hear what is sounding outside.
Dag Hammarskjold

When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.
Franklin D. Roosevelt

A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle.
Benjamin Franklin

The best way to predict your future is to create it.
Unknown

Might As Well Dance
(This was written by an 83 year old...
The last line says it all.)

I'm reading more and dusting less. I'm sitting in
the yard and admiring the view without fussing about
the weeds in the garden. I'm spending more time with my
family and friends and less time working.

Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of experiences
to savor, not to endure. I'm trying to recognize these moments
now and cherish them.

I'm not "saving" anything; we use our good china
and crystal for every special event such as losing a pound,
getting the sink unstopped, or the first Amaryllis blossom.

I'm not saving my good perfume for special parties,
but wearing it for clerks in the hardware store
and tellers at the bank.

"Someday" and "one of these days" are losing their grip
on my vocabulary; if it's worth seeing or hearing or doing,
I want to see and hear and do it now.

I'm not sure what others would've done had they known
they wouldn't be here for the tomorrow
that we all take for granted.

I think they would have called family members
and a few close friends. They might have called a few
former friends to apologize and mend fences for past squabbles.
I like to think they would have gone out for a Chinese dinner
or for whatever their favorite food was.

I'm guessing; I'll never know.

It's those little things left undone that would make me
angry if I knew my hours were limited. Angry because
I hadn't written certain letters that I intended to write
'one of these days'. Angry and sorry that I didn't tell
my husband and parents often enough how much
I truly love them. I'm trying very hard not to
put off, hold back, or save anything that
would add laughter and luster to our lives.

And every morning when I open my eyes,
I tell myself that it is special. Every day,
every minute, every breath
truly is a gift from God.

Life may not be the party we hoped for,
but while we are here, we might as well dance.

A school teacher asks her class
"What vegetable makes your eyes water?"

Little Johnny replies "an eggplant."

"No Johnny" says the teacher,
"I believe you are thinking of an onion, aren't you?"

"No miss" Says Johnny,
"Have you never been hit in the balls
with an eggplant?"

New Orleans is vowing to hold Mardi Gras
this year come hell or high water.

They've always had a Mardi Gras drink called the
Hurricane.

This year they aren't going to serve it,
but they have a new one called the
FEMA.

It's strong, and it hits you about a week later.

and BRING THEM HOME,
NOW . . . ALIVE!

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