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                                       Lady Lynx

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THE
click here   KING'S ENGLISH 

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A West Virginia teeny bopper
comes home from school and asks,
"Ma, is it true that babies come out of the place
boys put their wieners in?"

Ma replies,
"Yep, sho' do."

Daughter says,
" Why Ma, is that why you are missing
yo' front teeth?"

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Johnson sees McGann in a bar.
He says, "I heard you buried your wife."
McGann says, "Had to. She was dead."

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted 
"Doctor!  I think I'm shrinking!" 

The doctor calmly responded, 
"Now, settle down. 
You'll just have to be a little patient." 

A group of dentists decided to open a new practice, 
but as competition in their area was fierce they wanted 
the new business to be unique. They set up shop aboard a boat 
and offered river crossings as a bonus. 
Their practice was soon known as "The Tooth Ferry." 

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"Mommy, Mommy", called Little Johnny one day, 
"do you know the beautiful vase in the dining room 
that's been handed down from generation to generation ?" 

"Yes", said his mother. "What about it?"

"Well the last generation just dropped it," exclaimed Little Johnny. 

    



Recently, I was on a plane that had taken off 
and was approaching cruising altitude, when one of the flight attendants 
came on the public- address system. She announced that she was sorry, 
but the plane's restrooms were out of order. The flight attendant went on to apologize to the passengers for any inconvenience. But then 
she finished cheerily with:

"So, as compensation, free drinks will be served." 
    
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The class had gone to lunch and the restroom 
and returned to class. The teacher did not see Johnnie.
She asked, "Where's Johnnie?

One of the students replied, "He's in the bathroom, 
lying on the floor."

She asked, "Why is he doing that?"

The child said, "I don't know. He's been like that since 
he stuck the scissors in the light socket."

Ode from a Dairy Farmer

Carnation milk is best of all, 
no tits to pull, no hay to haul, 
no buckets to wash, no shit to pitch. 
Just poke a hole in the son-of-a-bitch! 

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An obstetrician sometimes saw rather unusual tattoos 
when working in labor and delivery. One patient had 
some type of fish tattoo on her abdomen.
"That sure is an unusual looking whale," he commented.

With a sad smile she replied,
"It used to be a dolphin." 

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Two Iranians meet in Miami. One starts to greet the other 
in Farsi, the language of their native country.

The other Iranian waved him away contemptuously and said, 
"We're in America now. Speak Spanish!"

SILLY STUFF

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow
but phone calls taper off. 
Johnny Carson 
. .
Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line 
between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one 
from the imaginary rights of another. 
Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary 
. . 
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize 
a mistake when you make it again. 
F. P. Jones 
. .
Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
. .
A great many people think they are thinking when they are 
merely rearranging their prejudices. 
William James 
. .
What is a committee? 
A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, 
to do the unnecessary. 
Richard Harkness, "The New York Times" 
. .
The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, 
involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. 
The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's"
1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3. feeding; and 4. mating. 
Psychology professor in neuro-psychology intro course 
. .
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; 
they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. 

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A fool and his money 
are a girl's best friend. 

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"While I was visiting my sister one evening,
 I took out a candy dispenser that was shaped like 
a miniature person.

"How does that thing work?" she asked.

As I turned the figurine's arm to pop candy out, 
my sister laughed. "I see.. it's a lot like my husband," she said. 
"You have to twist his arm to get anything out of him."'

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Waking up after a restless night, the wife turned to her 
husband and frowned. "I can't believe it!  All night long you 
kept cursing me in your sleep!"

The husband replied, "Who was sleeping?"

Government Office Rules

1) If it rings, put it on hold.
2) If it clanks, call the repairman.
3) If it whistles, ignore it.
4) If it's a friend, take a break.
5) If it's the boss, look busy.
6) If it talks, take notes.
7) If it's handwritten, type it.
8) If it's typed, copy it.
9) If it's copied, file it.
10) If it's Friday, forget it!

Camilla has accepted Prince Charles' proposal to marry.
However it has been reported that she turned down 
the Queen's engagement gift of a weekend in Paris
with a car and driver.

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Martha Stewart participated in an online chat 
the other night with her crazy fans. 
She says her ankle bracelet is uncomfortable, 
to which I say – try spraying on a little Pam or 
maybe some extra-virgin olive oil." 
Jimmy Kimmel

President Clinton is back in his home. 
It's interesting when you think about it -- 
he had to have all this work done on his heart. 
I mean, who would have thought
that would be the first organ to give out?" 
David Letterman

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On the second anniversary of the invasion of Iraq
gas prices in L.A. reached three dollars a gallon in some places.
Didn't we win that war? I mean, I know there were
no weapons of mass destruction but apparently
there's no gas there either."
Jay Leno

"Congress is investigating steroid use in baseball. Apparently
we've cured cancer and all the other problems of the world
so now were starting on this one."
Jay Leno

Congress today conducted an under cover investigation of steroids
in baseball. Their conclusion -- the Chicago Cubs are just months
away from getting nuclear weapons."
Craig Ferguson

President Clinton recovering quite well. ... In fact,
he just passed a stress test or,
as he called it, a weekend with Hillary."
Jay Leno

Homeland Security will assign 500 more agents on
the Arizona-Mexico border to stop illegal immigrants.
And of course, Rudy Giuliani is furious about this, because
this will keep the Yankees from getting a new pitcher."
Jay Leno

They had the annual Easter egg roll the other day at the White House
and, not missing an opportunity, President Bush said the Easter Bunny would be out of eggs by the year 2030 and that 4 percent of all their eggs
should be put in a private account."
Jay Leno

 THE ENDS

HUNK

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