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Many thanks to
Trish, Reinbohntr, Rana, Heartlace, 
Wannawynn , CLRiley
for contributing to the content of today's page.

"You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in
common," said the new tenant's neighbor.  "Why on earth
did you get married?"

"I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites attract',"
was the reply. 
"He wasn't pregnant and I was."



A drunk walks up to the host of a party and says,
"'Scuse me, but do you have green toilet paper
that says, 'Fuck you?'"

The host looks disdainfully at the drunk and says,
"No, I don't have green toilet paper that says, 
'Fuck you.'"

"Oh, then I'm terribly sorry," says the drunk,
" I think I just wiped my ass with your parrot."





SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE

      (This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended!) 
This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School 
(California) staff voted unanimously to record 
on their school telephone answering machine.

      This is reported to be the actual answering machine message for
the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring
students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and
missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even
though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and
did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their classes.

      The outgoing message:

      "Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your
school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member,
please listen to all the options before making a selection:

      * To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

      * To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2

      * To complain about what we do - Press 3

      * To swear at staff members - Press 4

      * To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed
in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5

      * If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

      * If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

      * To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8

      * To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

      * To complain about school lunches - Press 0

      * If you realize this is the real world and your child must be
accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work,
homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of
effort: Hang up and have a nice day!

      If you can read this - thank a teacher!

      If you are reading it in English - thank a veteran

A woman came  home, screeching her car into the
  driveway, and ran into the  house.  She slammed
 the door and shouted at the top of her  lungs,

  "Honey, pack your bags.  I won the lottery!"

    The husband said, "Oh my God!  What should I
  pack, beach stuff or  mountain stuff?"

  "Doesn't matter," she said.  "Just get the  hell out."



You know you're a redneck when......

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes
with a fly swatter.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
You burn your yard rather than mow it.

You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

You offer to give someone the shirt off your back
and they don't want it.

You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

You come back from the dump with more than you took.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

You have a rag for a gas cap.

Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

You wonder how service stations keep their restroom's so clean.

You can spit without opening your mouth.

You consider your license plate personalized
because your father made it.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

You have a complete set of salad bowls
and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart.

Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

A tornado hits your neighborhood and does
$100,000 worth of improvements.

You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

You missed your 5th grade graduation because
you were on jury duty.

You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

Irish Sayings  

As you slide down the banisters of life
may the splinters never point the wrong way.
--
May you live as long as you want,
and never want as long as you live.
--
I drink to your health when I'm with you,
I drink to your health when I'm alone,
I drink to your health so often,
I'm starting to worry about my own
-- 
May you never forget what is worth remembering,
Or remember what is best forgotten.
--
Here's to our wives and girlfriends:
May they never meet!
--
May your troubles be as few and as far apart
as my Grandmothers teeth.

 

It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night
That Chew Your Ass Out All Day Long

Use your BACK button after viewing, to return to this page.
DON'T GET X'd OFF SITE


 

Phil and Martha had been married for many years
 but now were in divorce court.

The judge asked, "Phil, is it true that the last three years 
of your marriage, you did not speak to Martha?"

Phil replies, "Yes Judge, that is correct."

"And how do you explain this unusual conduct?"
 the judge inquires.

Phil replies, "I didn't want to interrupt her Your Honor."



SOME  STEVEN WRIGHT QUOTES

A lot of people are afraid of heights. 
Not me, I'm afraid of widths. 

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. 

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. 

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? 

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID
that he just whipped out a quarter? 

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep 
and you know it will be up all night. 

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. 

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... 
I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. 

How young can you die of old age? 

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff. 
  
You can't have everything. Where would you put it? 

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder
how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. 

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather.
It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. 



A really fat guy got out of the shower 
at the health club.

A second guy said, "Gee, you're fat!"

The fat man said, "Yeah."

The second man asked, 
"How long has it been since you've 
seen your dick?"

The fat man answered, "Long time."

The second man asked, "Why don't you diet?"

The fat man replied, 
"Why? What color is it now?"

Ambiguous Newspaper Headlines

Newspaper headlines need to be as short as possible, 
so whilst they obey grammatical rules, they tend to omit little, 
unimportant words like the and is. But are these words unimportant? 
The result of leaving them out can result in highly 
ambiguous sentences, which are often quite amusing. 
These are real newspaper headlines: 

GRANDMOTHER OF EIGHT MAKES HOLE IN ONE
 
PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE 
 
KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS 
 
LUNG CANCER IN WOMEN MUSHROOMS 

QUEEN MARY HAVING BOTTOM SCRAPED 

MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH 

MILK DRINKERS ARE TURNING TO POWDER 

DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE 

JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT 

PANDA MATING FAILS; VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER 

POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS 

SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS 
SHOULD BE BELTED 

2 SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 18 YEARS 
AT CHECKOUT COUNTER 

ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACECRAFT 

INCLUDE YOUR CHILDREN WHEN BAKING COOKIES 

GRANDMOTHER OF EIGHT MAKES HOLE IN ONE 

HOSPITALS ARE SUED BY 7 FOOT DOCTORS 

LAWMEN FROM MEXICO BARBECUE GUESTS 

RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGE 

SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM 

IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS 

HERSHEY BARS PROTEST



You wouldn't believe what is happening in churches nowadays.
I was sitting right there when a guy next to me
lit up a cigarette! I almost dropped my beer



If a man is Captain of his ship,
his wife is likely to be the Admiral



 According to a new book called "Men, Love and Sex,"
50% of women want their men to take control in bed.
The other 50% want their men to put down the remote control in bed.
- Jay Leno



The husband and wife were undressing one night
when she said,
"Joyce and Mary were talking about their husbands' anatomy today.
Joyce said that her husband filled out his shorts so well that
they hired him to model Jockey Shorts."
 
Her husband said, "So?"
 
"Then Mary said her husband got so long
and hard that they hired him to model condoms."
 
"I hope you stood up for me," he said.
 
"I did," his wife replied.
" I told them you could be a model, too."
 
"Thank you."
 
""If," she went on,
"anybody needed a model for a cocktail wiener."

HOUSEWORK

Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home
from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry
in the washer and another in the dryer.

Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!
It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said wives who work
full-time and had to do their own housework
were too tired to have sex.

The night went well and the next day,
she told her office friends all about it.

"We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up. He helped the kids 
do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away.
I really enjoyed the evening."

"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.

"Oh, that .., Ralph was too tired..

God is good."

 "There's something much worse than being accused of "flip-flopping":
refusing to flip when it's obvious that your course of action is a flop.
Half of the service members listed on the Vietnam Veterans Memorial
died after America's leaders knew that our strategy in that war was
not working. Was then-secretary of defense Robert McNamara
steadfast as he continued to send American troops to die for
a war he knew privately could not be won?
History does not remember his resolve -
it remembers his refusal to confront reality."
Senator John Kerry

" WOW "

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