Many thanks to all and special thanks to
 AngieOBri, Trish, Terrygray11, Tootsie
  for contributing to the content of today's page.

"Start every day off with a smile - and get it over with!"
We can't control the wind, but we can adjust our sails.

To all of you from all of us.
We wish you Health and Prosperity
for all the years yet to come!

What would you do if you had a condom with a hole in it
in one pocket, and rattle snake in the other pocket?

I don't know, but I do know that I wouldn't screw
with either one of them!



Chivalry has changed from the days of Sir Walter Raleigh,
but contrary to rumor, it hasn't died out altogether: A man
will still lay his coat at the feet of a pretty girl; the
difference is that nowadays it's intended to
keep her back from getting dirty.

A woman joined a health spa and on her first day eagerly
joined in an exercise class.

However, when it ended she went to the front desk and
requested cancellation of her membership.

When asked why, she replied,
"Your floors are so low that I can't touch my toes!"




 
'The Pasta Diet'
 
The Pasta Diet and Your Health

ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!

1.. You walk pasta da bakery.

2... You walka pasta da candy store.

3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.

4.. You walka pasta da table and pasta da fridge.

You will lose weight!

A blonde is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell
on her inner thigh.

Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo
and in that location.

She responds,
'It's really cool. If you put your ear up against it,
you can smell the ocean.'



A young woman went to and evening class
to improve her sexual capabilities.
 
When she gets there, she sees an apple, an orange and a pear
hanging on strings from the ceiling, and a piece of chalk
and a black-board. "What is all this for?" she asked.

The instructor tells her to stand between the hanging fruit,
and she does.

"Now," said the instructor, "swing your hips to the left
and touch the apple."

"Now swing your hips to the right and touch the pear,
then swing your hips forward and touch the orange."
 
The young woman starts to rotate her hips, and soon gets
a good rhythm going.

"This is great," she said enthusiastically,
"but what is the chalk for?"

"When you've got the hang of the fruit," said the instructor,
"I want you to stick the chalk up your ass and write
' MISSISSIPPI '
on the black-board twenty times."





Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents
the week before Christmas.
 
At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say
their prayers when the youngest one began praying
at the top of his lungs.
 
"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
 
I PRAY FOR A NEW X-BOX 360...
 
I PRAY FOR A NEW BLU-RAY DVD PLAYER..."
 
His older brother leaned over and nudged the
younger brother and said,

"Why are you shouting your prayers?  God isn't deaf."
 
To which the little brother replied,
"No, but Grandma is!"


 
QUOTES WE  KNEW ALL ALONG
  
Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country
are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
 
Acting is all about honesty.
If you can fake that, you've got it made.
 
I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending,
and they should be as close together as possible.
 
Bad taste is simply saying the truth before it should be said.
 
Rogues are preferable to imbeciles because
they sometimes take a rest.
 
If Stupidity got us into this mess,
then why can't it get us out?

In the first place God made idiots; that was for practice;
then he made school boards.

We know that the nature of genius is to provide idiots
with ideas twenty years later.

We have no desire to make anybody look like a blithering idiot,
but we do love it when they do.
 
There's nothing more dangerous than a resourceful idiot.
   
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
 
If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
 
I can't understand why I flunked American history.
When I was a kid there was so little of it.

I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit.
Besides, I can't die now— I'm booked. I can't afford to die —
I'd lose too much money.
 
Look to the future, because that is where you'll spend
the rest of your life.
 
At my age flowers scare me.
 
Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys.
It also separates husbands and wives.
 
By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything.
You only have to remember it.
 
There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods.
Cats have never forgotten this.

Cats are smarter than dogs.
You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

It was entertainment night
at the Senior Center.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed:
'I'm here to put you all into a trance -
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'

           The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew
a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
The polished metal gleamed in the light.

           Claude the hypnotist said: 'I want you each to keep
your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch.
It's been in my family for six generations.'

           He began to swing the watch gently back and forth
while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch,
watch the watch, watch the watch . .. . '

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed
back and forth, light shimmering off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch,
until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers
and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

           'SHIT!' said the Hypnotist.

           It took 3 days to clean up the Senior Center.

As a high school football coach, I'm aware that student athletes
tend to focus too much on sports.
 
Bob, a fellow coach, was talking about one such player,
who called him at home one night.

When his wife informed the kid that Bob wasn't home,
he became frantic and said he had to speak
to the coach right away.

"Just calm down, and I'll have him call you
as soon as he gets home," the coach's wife told him.
"What's your number?"

The flustered kid replied, "Three."



A very popular girl went to her doctor
and found out that she was pregnant.

The doctor says, "I know that you are not married!
Do you know who the father of  this baby is?"

The girl thought and then asked,
"Doc, if you ate a can of Baked Beans,
would you know which bean made you FART?"

" I got tired of men trying to look up,
down and through my dress."

Sometimes I'm as confused as a
newborn baby in a topless bar.

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, 
the world will know peace."
                                                              Jimi Hendrix

" WOW "

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