"Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way;
BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day."

To admit you were wrong is to declare 
you are wiser now than before.

BELATED . . BUT I
HOPE EACH AND EVERYONE
OF YOU HAD A WONDERFUL
HOLIDAY! 
I SPENT THE BETTER BART OF THE
LAST TWO WEEKS IN THE HOSPITAL 
BUT HOME AGAIN AFTER SOME SURGERY,
LOOKNG FORWARD TO A BETTER NEW YEAR.

"The Seven BLUNDERS Of The World"

- Wealth without work
- Pleasure without conscience
- Knowledge without character
- Commerce without morality
- Science without humanity
- Worship without sacrifice
- Politics without principle

A list compiled by Mohandas Gandhi
shortly before his assassination. 




For the holiday season remember:

 

Alcohol does not make you FAT ! 
It makes you LEAN.... against tables, chairs, 
floors, walls and ugly people.

 
   A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order.
   He said, 'I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights
   and a pair of running boards.'
     The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear
   stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This
   guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of
   headlights and a pair of running Boards.
 
            What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?'
 
        'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires
   mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny
   side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.
 
        'Oh, OK!' said the blonde. She thought about
   it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave
   it to the customer.
 
            The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for Blondie?'
    
   'She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for
   the flat tires, headlights and running boards, 
you might as well gas up!
 
            FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS  EVEN!!!!!

Boob Test


Did you hear about the divorced redneck?  
He wondered if his ex-wife was still his sister.



  A man went to the dentist to have some work done.
 
The dentist pulls out a numbing needle 
to give the man a shot.
  
'No way! No needles. I hate needles,' the patient said. 

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.
 
 'I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask 
on is suffocating me!'
 
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. 
'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.' 

The dentist then returns and says, 'Here's a Viagra tablet.' 

The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!' 

It doesn't' said the dentist, 'but it's going to give you 
something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.'



Which one of the women below has
the breast implants? 

Answer:

Who gives a shit?




Cross Country 

When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive
both of our cars. Nathan, our eight-year-old, worriedly asked, 

"How will we keep from getting separated?" 

"We'll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other," 
I reassured him. 

"Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?" he persisted. 

"Well, then I guess we'll never see each other again," I quipped. 

"Okay," he said. "I'm riding with Mom."

 

The gay man told the census taker,
"Well, I was born in Chicago 
but reared in San Francisco."

Here are some great ways of dealing 
with the burdens of life: 

* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, 
And some days you're the statue. 

* Always keep your words soft and sweet, 
Just in case you have to eat them. 

* Always wear stuff that will make you look good 
If you die in the middle of it.. 

* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be 
"Recalled" by their maker. 

* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. 

* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person 
again, It was probably worth it. 

* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply
to be kind to others. 

* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, 
Because then you won't have a leg to stand on. 

* Nobody cares if you can't dance well.. 
Just get up and dance. 

* When everything's coming your way, 
You're in the wrong lane. 

* Birthdays are good for you. 
The more you have, the longer you live. 

* You may be only one person in the world, 
But you may also be the world to one person. 

* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. 

* We could learn a lot from crayons... 
some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. 
Some have weird names, and all are different colors, 
but they all have to live in the same box. 

*A truly happy person is one who can enjoy 
the scenery on a detour. 

Have an awesome day and know that 
someone has thought about you today.



The Meaning of Life
in 13 Words

Inside every older person 
is a younger person wondering
'What the fuck happened!'



The drunk staggered up to the hotel reception and demanded
his room be changed.

"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."

"I insist on another room!!" said the drunk.

"Very good, sir. I`ll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind 
telling me why you donot  like 502?" asked the clerk.

"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."

A few jokes?
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. 
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 
"I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, 
and says: 
"A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 
"Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
   "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
   "Is it common?"
   "Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.  
Daisy says   to Dolly, 
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
   "I don't believe you," says Dolly.
   "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9.  An invisible man marries an invisible woman. 
The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo:  The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, 
but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.  
    He shouted, 
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

   The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. 
The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire 
in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that 
you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, 
and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament 
victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, 
and asked them to disperse. 

18. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. 
"Because," he said. 
"I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Have you heard about the brown nosed duck? 

He could fly just as fast as the other ducks but 
couldn't stop as fast.