The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. 

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Old age is 'when you still have something on the ball,
but you are just too tired to bounce it.

Those who get too big for their britches will be  exposed in the end.

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

When you've seen one shopping center . . . You've seen a mall. 

Best Wishes for a Merry Christmas
and a Happy New Year

 

  click    The perfect Man and Woman    click
http://www.flashfunpages.com/couple.swf

USE YOUR BACK BUTTON or the HOME BUTTON to return to 
  THIS PAGE AFTER VIEWING ANY LINK

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,
doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have..

 Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.  One day
while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,
Ralph suddenly  jumped into the deep end. He sank to
the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him.  She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
 Edna then took Ralph back to their room.
 
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered
her to be dischargedfrom the hospital, as she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.  
The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally
respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love...  
I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness..

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his
bathrobe belt right after you saved him.  I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..  
How soon can I go home?'



LIFE EXPLAINED
On the first day, God created the dog and said,
"Sit all day by the door of your house and
bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. 
For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking.  
How about only ten years and I'll give you back
the other ten?"
So God agreed......

On the second day, God created the monkey and said,
"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.  
For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
 
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years?  
That's a pretty long time to perform.  How about
I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed......
 
On the third day, God created the cow and said,
"You must go into the field with the farmer
all day long and suffer under the sun,
have calves and give milk to support
the farmer's family.  For this, I will
give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want
me to live for sixty years.  How about twenty
and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again......

On the fourth day, God created humans and said,
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life.  
For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years?  Could you
possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave
back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God.  "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat,
sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.  For the next
forty years, we slave in the sun to support
our family.. For the next ten years,
we do monkey tricks to entertain
the grandchildren.  And for the
last ten years, we sit on the
front porch and bark
at everyone.

LIFE has now been explained to you!

Two of Life's Best Qualities
PATIENCE and WISDOM

The longer you've been married, the funnier this becomes!

An old married couple was at home watching TV.

The husband had the remote and was switching back
and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:

"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel.
You already know how to fish!"



A bill collector came knocking at Nadine's door;
she had fallen behind on her bills. 

"All right, lady," said the bill collector,
"how about the next installment on that couch?"

       Nadine shrugged and said.
"I guess that's better than having to give you money."



Two homosexuals, named Cecil and Bernie, were living together.  It was stinking hot
one day, and Cecil arrived home to find Bernie with his ass in the freezer.

       "Bernie!  What the hell are you doing?"

       Bernie replied, "It was so hot outside, I thought you'd like
something cool to slip into..."



CONFUCIUS SAYS ..
Some new, Some old 



 - Man with penis in peanut butter jar is fucking nuts.

- Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.

- Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.

- Man who go to bed with question of sex on mind wake up with solution in hand.

- He who go to bed with itchy butt, wake up with smelly finger.

- He who pees in wind gets wet.

- To prevent hangover stay drunk!

- Passionate kiss like spider's web - soon lead to undoing of fly.

- Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.

- Man trapped in whore house get jerked around.

- Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.

- Man with tool in woman's mouth, not necessarily a dentist.

- Man with hand in pocket is having a ball.

- Man who puts rooster in ice box take out stiff cock.

- Woman who wear G-string, high on crack!

- War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.

- Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons.

- All blonde not blonde by cracky

- Blonde who fly upside down have crack up.

- Boy fool with girl in wrong period get caught red handed.

- Chemist who fall in acid get absorbed in work.

- Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

- Girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy.

- Girl who douches with vinegar, walks around with sour pussy.

- Girl who marry detective must kiss dick.

 - He who eats ice cream in car is a Sundae Driver

- He who keeps both feet planted firmly on ground, have trouble getting pants off.

- He who masturbates in front of cash register come into money.

- If you choose cremation, that will be the last time you’ll get all fired up. 
 But if you get buried, you might be able to worm out of it. 



After a relaxing bath, Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself, nude in a mirror. 
Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight was depressing her.
       In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help. 

"Lord... If You take away my love handles,
I'll devote my life to You," she prayed.

       And, just like that..... her ears fell off.



A thought for the day
by Dorothy Parker…

 It costs me never a stab nor squirm  
to tread by chance upon a worm.

"Aha, my little dear," I say, 
"Your clan will pay me back some day."

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order.  He said,
"I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen
and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires,
a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.... 
What does he think this place is,
an auto parts store?' 

"No!" the cook said. 
"Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up,
and a pair of running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon!"


"Oh... OK!" said the blonde.  She thought about it for a moment and then
spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. 

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"



She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, 
headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!



The Best Golf Joke Ever

Sal Wallerstein was at the country club for his weekly round of golf.
He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie
on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his
cell phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just
been in a accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be
there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving
what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.

He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the
hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his
round shooting a personal best 61, shattering 
the club record by five strokes and beating 
his previous best game by more than 10.
He was jubilant....

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital.
He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your
round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!"

"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the
country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as
well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more
thanlikely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the
clock care and you will be her care giver! She will need IV's; you
will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have
to bespoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care."

The man broke down and sobbed.

The doctor chuckled and said, 
"I'm just screwing with you.
She's dead!

What'd you shoot?"



Buy or Lease?

Many people cannot decide which is cheaper - purchasing or leasing.
We'd like to help you decide by illustrating two charming stories of
foolish men and cunning women.

Purchasing

The math on the Paul McCartney - Heather Mills divorce was as follows:
After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million.
Assuming he had sex with her every night during their 5 year relationship
it ended up with him purchasing her @ $26,849 per time. (And that does
not include the other millions he spent supporting and entertaining her
during the 5 years.)

This is Heather...


 


Leasing

On the other hand, New York Governor Eliot Spitzer's
favorite hooker, Kristen, charged $4,000 per night.


This is Kristen... 
 



So, had Paul McCartney "employed" Kristen for 5 years @ $4,000 per night,
he would have paid only $7.3 million in total for sex every night.
This represents a $41.7 million saving for Eliot.

What a shrewd man Eliot is, compared to the ageing Beatle.

Further valuable benefits of this Leasing option are;
* a (real) 22 year old
* no need for coaxing / pleading / begging
* never a headache
* happily agrees to all technical requests
* no complaining
* has two legs....

Best of all, she leaves and returns when asked.
All at 1/7th the cost and no legal fees.

Where would you rather be?...
 



Sometimes Leasing just makes more sense!



A drunk who had had a few more pops than his usual daily allowance
climbed onto a bus and started to scream,

“All the jerks seated behind me, are homos, all those in the seats alongside me
are cuckolds, and the ones in front of me eat shit!”

Hearing this the indignant bus driver slammed on the brakes so abruptly
he jolted many of the passengers out of their seats.  He grabbed the
drunk by his shirt and said in a menacing tone,

“What was that you said? Which ones are the homos, who are cuckolds,
and which ones eat shit?”

The drunk replied, “How should I know?  You stopped so brutally
that you got them all mixed up."

A Few Words of Wisdom from Stand-Up Comic 
Steven Alexander Wright…

  Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.



  I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches
 all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.


All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

INSULTS WITH CLASS

I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.
-comedian Kip Adota

He is a self-made man and worships his creator.
-John Bright

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
-Irvin S. Cobb

He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
-Samuel Johnson

He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
-Paul Keating

In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.
-Charles, Count Talleyrand

He loves nature in spite of what it did to him. -Forrest Tucker

Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?
-Mark Twain

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
-Mae West

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
-Oscar Wilde

He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lampposts
for support rather than illumination.
-Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
-Billy Wilder

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
-Groucho Marx



Two fellows were fishing from a dock when an alligator nipped one of them
on the foot.  The fisherman screamed,

"An alligator just bit off one of my toes!"

"Which one?" his buddy asked.

       "How do I know!?" the wounded angler friend said in disgust. 
"All alligators look alike to me!"