Many thanks to all and special thanks to
 AngieOBri, Trish, Tootsie,  Perilpurple
  for contributing to the content of today's page.

"Start every day off with a smile - and get it over with!"
We can't control the wind, but we can adjust our sails.

Five men end up stranded on a tropical island. The only female
around is a gorilla on the other end of the island.

 After one whole month the guys are all sitting around and Garry
stands up and says, "I'm so horny, I can't take it anymore!"

So he grabs a bag and storms off to the other side of the island
with his pals right behind him.

They catch the gorilla, each guy grabs an arm or leg and Garry
puts the bag over the gorilla's head.

He climbs on top of the gorilla and begins to do the nasty.

The gorilla fights and struggles and finally gets an arm free
and she wraps it around Garry's back.

Then she gets both feet free and wraps them around Garry's waist.
She gets her other arm free and grabs on to his hips and starts
pulling him in harder and harder. Garry yells to his buddies....

"Get it off!! Get it off!!

They said, "You're on top, we can't get her off of you."

Garry said... "No, I mean the bag..
I want to kiss the bitch!"



Many of you didn't know this but at one time
I was a diesel fitter at a Victoria's Secret store.
 Yep a Diesel fitter....

A lady would come in,  lower her top and I would look
   at her boobs, take a bra off the shelf and say:

     "Diesel fit her"

     



Two women, Mildred and Gerty, were old friends.
They had both been married to their husbands
for a very very long time.

As they sat in the living room one day drinking coffee,
as was their custom, one of them expressed concern
because she thought her husband didn't find her attractive anymore.

"As I get older he doesn't even bother to look at me!" 

"I'm so sorry for you," replied Gerty.
"As I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day."

"Yes," snapped Mildred,
"but your husband's an antique dealer!"


 


BIOLOGY LESSON
 
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth
to your stomach.
 
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
 
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
 
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
 
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
 
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
 
Women blink twice as often as men.
 
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
 
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
 
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
 
Women reading this will be finished now.
 
Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees a man standing
next to the urinal. The man has no arms. as Bob's standing
there taking care of business, he wonders to himself
 how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when
the man asks bob to help him out.
Being a kind soul, Bob says,

"Okay, sure."

Can you unzip my zipper, asks the man. Okay, says Bob.

Can you pull it out for me asks the man.
Uh, yeah, okay says Bob. So he pulls it out.

It's covered in all kinds of mold and bumps, with hair clumps,
rashes, moles, scabs and scars, and it reeks something awful.
Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him. Bob points it for him.
Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips up the mans fly for him.

Thanks, I really appreciate it, the man tells Bob.

No problem, says Bob, I hope you don't mind me asking,
but what's wrong with your dick?
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt.
I don't know, he says, but  I  sure as hell ain't touching it.



She was a middle-aged matron, and he was in his twenties.
 
They had met  at a cocktail party, and now she had finally
convinced him to come visit her at her apartment.
 
As she lured him into her sumptuous bedroom, she promised:
"Tomorrow I'll send you a little present. If you're really good,
you'll get a Cadillac. If you're fair, it'll be a Pontiac.
And if you're just so-so, you'll get a Crosley."
 
Some four hours later, as our young hero was adjusting his suspenders,
he asked: "Well, how was I?"
 
"You'll know in the morning," she replied,
"when the mailman delivers the pair of roller skates."

Santa's Younger Brother.
It's that time of the year again,
You gotta love Christmas

Meet Jared - Santa's younger brother...
he takes care of the naughty girls

 So, who wants to be naughty????



Iraqi Hockey Player

   The Detroit Red Wings foreign scout flies to Baghdad to watch
a young Iraqi play hockey in the new American sponsored league,
and is suitably impressed and arranges for him
to come over to the US. Ken Holland
signs him to a one year contract and
the kid joins the team for the preseason.

   Two weeks later the Wings are down 4-0 to the Blackhawks
with only 10 minutes left. Mike Babcock gives the young Iraqi
the nod and he goes in.

The kid is a sensation - scores 5 goals in 10 minutes
and wins the game for the Wings!  The fans are delighted,
the players and coaches are delighted,
and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the ice he phones his mom:
"Hello mom, guess what?"
"I played for 10 minutes today, we were 4-0 down,
but I scored 5 goals and we won.  Everybody
loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his mom, "Let me tell you about my day.
Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister
and I were ambushed, raped and beaten, and your
brother has joined a gang of looters, and all
while you were having such great time!"

  The young Iraqi is very upset.
"What can I say mom?   I'm so sorry."

   "Sorry? You're Sorry?!!" says his mom,
"It's your fault we moved to
DETROIT  in the first place!"



"That's a great place to work!" shouted my 16-year-old brother
after coming home from the first day at his first job.
"I get two weeks" paid vacation."

"I'm so glad," said my mother.

"Yeah," added John.
"I can't wait to find out where they send me."



I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN
 
- I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts 'till 8pm.
- I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.
- I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.
- I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid...
- I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.
- I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
- I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.
- I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over.
- I'm aware that other people's grandchildren
are not as bright as mine.
- I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care,
dental care.
- I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting,
children, politicians...
- I'm positive I did housework correctly before the Internet.
- I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.
- I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
- I'm having trouble remembering simple words like... uh...
- I'm now spending more time with my pillows
than with my mate.
- I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.
- I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.
- I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.
- I'm in the *initial* state of my golden years:
SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP.
- I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel,
how could I be alive at 150?
- I'm anti -everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.
- I'm supporting all movements now... by eating bran,
prunes and raisins.
- I'm a walking storeroom of facts... I've just
lost the key to the storeroom.
- I'm a Senior Citizen and I think I am having the time of my life... Aren't I?

A lawyer sent an overdue bill notice to a client who had
fired him. A note was attached that stated:

"This bill is one year old!"

By return mail the lawyer got his bill back. To it was
attached a card which read:

"Happy Birthday!"



A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck. "darling, I have great news - I'm a month overdue. I think were going to have a baby! the doctor
gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure,
we cant tell anybody."

The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the door-bell,
because the young couple hasn't paid their last bill.

"Are you Mrs. Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do you know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man
from the electric company.

"What are you saying? It's in your files???"

"Absolutely."

"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight."

That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he,
mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices
the first thing the next morning.

"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife
is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?"

"Just calm down," says the clerk, "its nothing serious.
All you have to do is pay us."

"Pay you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, Sir, we'd have no option
but to cut yours off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle!

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, 
the world will know peace."
                                                              Jimi Hendrix

" WOW "

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