"Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way;
BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day."

To admit you were wrong is to declare 
you are wiser now than before.




Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams and Elton John 
were walking over a bridge.

Kylie trips and gets her head jammed between the railings.

With a sideways glance, Robbie pulls aside her G-String, 
and bonks her senseless!   
He stands back and tells Elton "your turn".

Elton bursts into tears.

"What's up?" asks Robbie.

Elton sobs, "My head won't fit through the railings"

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Tombstones in old cemeteries 

Harry Edsel Smith of  Albany , New York: 
Born 1903--Died 1942. 
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the 
car was on the way down. It was. 
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In a Thurmont,  Maryland , cemetery: 
Here lies an Atheist, 
all dressed up and 
no place to go.  
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On the grave of Ezekial Aikle 
in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:  
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. Only The  Good Die Young.  
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In a  London, England cemetery:  
Here lies Ann Mann, who lived an old maid 
but died an old Mann.  Dec. 8, 1767  
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In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:  
Anna Wallace  
The children of Israel wanted bread, 
and the Lord sent them manna. 
Clark Wallace wanted a wife, 
and the Devil sent him Anna.  
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In a Ruidoso,  New Mexico, cemetery:  
Here lies Johnny Yeast.... Pardon him  for not rising.  
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In a Uniontown,  Pennsylvania, cemetery:  
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.  
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.  
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In a Silver  City, Nevada, cemetery:  
Here lays The Kid.  
We planted him raw.  
He was quick on the trigger  
but slow on the draw.  
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A lawyer's epitaph in  England :  
Sir John Strange.  Here lies an honest lawyer,  
and that is Strange.  
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John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,  England, cemetery:  
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,  
dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.  
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In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England :  
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went  out of tune.  
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Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont:  
Here lies the body of our Anna, 
done to death by a banana.  
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,  
but the skin of the thing that made her go.  
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On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts :  
Under the sod and under the trees,  
lies the body of Jonathan Pease.  
He is not here, there's only the pod. 
 Pease shelled out and went to God.  
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In a cemetery in England:  
Remember man, as you walk by,  
as you are now, so once was I. 
As I am now, so shall you be.  
Remember this and follow me. 
 
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone: 
 
To follow you, I'll not consent.  
Until I know which way you went. 

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"About a month before he died, my grandmother 
covered my grandfather's back with lard. 

After that, he went downhill very quickly."

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THE  OLDER CROWD  

A distraught senior citizen 
phoned her doctor's office. 
'Is it true,' she wanted to know, 
'that the medication
you prescribed has to be taken 
for the rest of my life?' 

'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her. 

There was a moment of  silence 
before the senior lady replied,
'I'm wondering, then, 
just how serious is my condition
because this  prescription is marked 
'NO REPEATS'. 
 
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A man is visiting an old friend when a little girl races through the room. 
"Diploma," the friend calls after her, "bring us two cups of coffee."

"Diploma? What an odd name," says the visitor. "How did she get it?" 

The friend sighs. "I sent my daughter to study at the university 
in Lisbon, and that's what she came back with." 

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An older gentleman was 
on the operating table 
awaiting surgery 
and he insisted that his son, 
a renowned surgeon, 
perform the operation. 

As he was about to get the anesthesia, 
he asked to speak to his  son. 
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '

'Don't be nervous, son; 
do your best and just remember, 
if it doesn't go well, if something 
happens to me... your mother is going 
to come and live with you and your wife.'   
  
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First you forget names,
then you forget faces. 
Then you forget to pull 
up your zipper. It gets
worse! Next you forget 
to pull it down. 

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Wandering around a fairgrounds, a man enters 
a fortune-teller's tent for a laugh. 

"I see you're the father of two," 
says the seer, gazing into her crystal ball. 

"Ha! That's what you think," says the man scornfully. 
"I'm the father of three." 

"Ha!" says the fortune-teller. "That's what you think."

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O x y m o r o n s

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks? 

2.  Why is the third hand on the watch called 
the second hand? 

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, 
how would we ever know? 

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, 
where did he find the words? 

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? 
What is a whack? 

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" 
mean the same thing? 

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" 
mean the same thing? 

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges? 

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" 
when we are already there? 

10. Why are they called " stands" when 
they are made for sitting? 

11. Why is it called "after dark" when 
it really is "after light"? 

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" 
make the unexpected expected? 

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites? 

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" 
mean opposite things? 

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds? 

16. If work is so terrific, why do they 
have to pay you to do it? 

17. If all the world is a stage, 
where is the audience sitting? 

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? 

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, 
can you read all right? 

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural? 

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons 
of a remote control when you know 
the batteries are dead? 

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags 
and garments in a suitcase? 

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word? 

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we 
clean when we use them?  

25. Why do they call it a TV set 
when you only have one? 

26.Christmas - What other time of the year 
do you sit in front of a dead tree 
and eat candy out of your socks?
 
27.  Why do we drive on a parkway and 
park on a driveway?

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There are four things that you cannot recover in life:
(1) The Stone..............after it's thrown
(2) The Word.............after it's said 
(3) The Occasion....after it's missed and 
(4) The Time...........after it's gone

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ITALIAN BANK ROBBERY!

A hooded armed robber bursts into the
Banca d’Italia and forces the
tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door with the loot, 
one brave Italian customer grabs the
hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation! 
He then looks around the bank to see 
if anyone else has seen him.

One of the tellers is looking straight at him. The robber
walks over and calmly shoots her in the head.

Everyone by now is very scared and 
looking down at the floor.

"Dida anyone elsa seea my face?" calls the robber.

There follows a tense silence. Then an elderly Italian
gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says:

"I tinka my wifa may have caughta glimpse."