Many thanks to all and special thanks to
 AngieOBri, Trish, Tootsie,  MRuss74101, 
Perilpurple, Terrygray11
  for contributing to the content of today's page.

"Start every day off with a smile - and get it over with!"
We can't control the wind, but we can adjust our sails.

Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco
wear short black mini skirts?

A: 'Cause their balls show.



Jill, a rather young miss attending St. Mary's Catholic Girls
School, was sitting on the sidewalk, smoking a cigarette.
 
The local priest, walks by and gives her a glare.
 
"Jill! Smoking at such a young age!
Aren't you ashamed?"
 
"What?" said Jill.
"You got something better to do after sex?"



WORDS OF WISDOM

"Ideas without action are worthless."

"Don't water your weeds." 

"A dream is just a dream.
A goal is a dream with a plan and a deadline."

"It doesn't matter how much milk you spill
as long as you don't lose the cow."

"One mistake will never kill you.
The same mistake over and over again will."

"Make the second effort your second nature."

"All the technology in the world will never replace
a positive attitude. "
                                                                  Harvey Mackay

MARINE PHYSICAL

   At  the induction physical, the U.S. Navy medical doctor directed
the reluctant recruit to read the eye chart across  the  room.
      
  ''What  chart doc? 'The young man asked.
 
'The  one on the wall! 'The doctor  said.
      
   'What  wall?' said the young  man.
   
  Sensing  he had a deadbeat on his hands, the doctor asked his 
beautiful  nurse to strip down and walk into the exam room  naked.

  
  'Now  what do you see now  son?

   'Doc,  I can't see a thing. I'm blind as a  bat.'
   
  'Well,  you may not see anything,' the doctor said,
'but your dick  is pointing straight toward
Paris Island,  South  Carolina'!
   
   'Welcome  to the U.S. Marine  Corps, Lad.'



A Short History of Medicine: 
~
Patient: “Doctor, I have an ear ache.”
  
Doctor: 2000 B.C. "Here, eat this root." 
1000 B.C. "That root is heathen, say this prayer." 
1850 A.D. "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion." 
1940 A.D. "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill." 
1985 A.D. "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic." 
2000 A.D. "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!" 
    Unknown


 

The Bacon Tree

Way back in cowboy times, a westbound wagon train was lost and
low on food. No other humans had been seen in days, when
the pioneers saw an old Jew sitting beneath a tree.

"Is there some place ahead where we can get food?"

"Vell, I tink so," the old man said, "but I vouldn't go up dat hill
und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you'd run into
a big bacon tree."

"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.

"Yah, a bacon tree. Vould I lie? Trust me. I vouldn't go dere."

The leader goes back and tells his people what the old Jew said.

"So why did he say not to go there?" a person asked.
Other pioneers said, "Oh, you know the Jews -
they have a thing about pork."

So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side.
Suddenly, Indians attack them from everywhere and massacre
all except the leader, who manages to escape
and get back to the old Jew.

Near dead, the man shouts, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths!
We followed your route, but there was no bacon tree, just
hundreds of Indians who killed everyone but me."

The old man holds up his hand and says, "Vait a minute."
He quickly picks up an English-Yiddish dictionary
and begins thumbing through it.

"Oy, I made such a big mishtake! It vuzn't a bacon tree...

"It vuz a ham bush."



   Went to the bank on Saturday to get some money 
for shopping. They had Christmas Music playing in the
back ground. Kind of put me in a 'Festive Mood'.
  
At the ATM machine, there was a little older lady ahead of me.
She looked 'confused' as she turned to me and said...  
'I'm sorry If I'm taking up so much time'. 
I said, 'Don't you worry about that.  Just take your time'!!!

When I left the bank that same lady was standing outside 
going through her checkbook.   She said to me,  
'pardon me sir,  but would you mind checking my 'balance'?'

I said,  'Not at all.'  so..... I pushed her!   
Her 'balance' must not have been so good!!!   
I helped her up and said, 'It might be an 'inner ear' thing. 
   You really should see your doctor!!!

   I wished her a 'Very Merry Christmas' and went on my way.





With age comes wisdom

A guy is 85 years old and loves to fish.  He was sitting in 
his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,
'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he
was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,
'Pick me up. He looked in the water and there, floating on
the top, was a frog. The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me
and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious
and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over,
picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts?
Didn't you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

With age comes wisdom.





If Russia invaded Turkey from behind,
would Greece help?



Tampax has announced today that they will be replacing
the cord on their tampons with a piece of tinsel.
This will be for the Christmas period only...



Calling on an attractive coed, the theology professor asked,
"Who was the first man?"

"If it's all the same to you, sir,"
replied the embarrassed coed,
"I'd rather not tell."
                                                     Must have been a BLONDE coed.

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out
of lanes on the highway.
He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack
if I blow into that tube."
"Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar
if I pee in a cup."
"All right, we could get a blood sample."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die."
"Fine then, just walk this white line."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."



Cat and Mice In Heaven

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said,
'You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is
yours for the asking.'

The cat thought for a minute and then said,
'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors.
I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.'

God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they
all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with 
the same offer that He made to the cat

The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives:
from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could
just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.'
God answered, 'It is done.'
All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her
sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat
and asked, 'Is everything okay? How have you been doing?
Are you happy?'

The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so
happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little
Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!'



A man came home from the office and found his new bride
sobbing convulsively. "I feel terrible," she told him.
"I was pressing your suit and I burned
a big hole in the seat of your trousers."

"Oh, just forget it," consoled her husband.
"Remember that I've got an extra pair of pants for that suit."

"Yes, I know. And it's lucky you have!" said the woman,
drying her eyes.
"I was able to use a piece from them to patch the hole!"

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, 
the world will know peace."
                                                              Jimi Hendrix

" WOW "

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