"Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way;
BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day."

To admit you were wrong is to declare 
you are wiser now than before.




Merry Christmas
and
Happy Chanukah






"Computers make it easy to do a lot of things,
but most of the things they make it easier to do,
don't need to be done."
                                                                       - Andy Rooney

One Man's Alternative To Waxing!!

A sweet 6 year-old girl is sitting on Santa's Lap in a department store.

Santa asks the young child "....and what do you want for Christmas?"

The sweet thing looks into Santa's eyes, and says with disgust,

"Hey Fatso, didn't you get my E-mail?"


                                                           
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked
his wife during a recent lovemaking session,

"How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"

She glanced at him casually and replied,

"You're never home!"

I pulled into a town I couldn't believe still existed in 2001. A
dusty, dirt road, a little old wooden store that actually
said "General Store," and that was it.

There was a little old man sitting in front of the store in a
rocking chair. I said to him, "What do you folks do around here?"

He said, "We don't do nothin' but hunt n' fuck."

I said, "What do you hunt?"

He said, "Somethin' to fuck."

Note found on the Refrigerator 
One Morning :

:My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54
years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value
you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you
will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening
with my 25 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. 

Please don't be upset----I shall be home before midnight. 

When the man came home late that night, he found 
the following letter on the dining room table: 

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about 
my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity 
to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, 
I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you
that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one 
of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, 
virile, and like your secretary, is 25 years old.

As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, 
you will understand that we are in the same situation, although 
with one small difference - 25 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 
goes into 25.

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow. 

   

A man was  sunbathing naked at the beach.
For the sake of  civility, and to keep it from getting
sunburned, he had a hat over his private  parts.

 A woman  walks past and says, snickering,
"If you were a  gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He  raises  an eyebrow and replies,
"If you  weren't so  ugly it would lift itself."

 So Paddy asks Murphy:
 
"Why do scuba divers always
fall backwards off their boats?"

To which Murphy replies, 
 
"Well, if they fell forward
they'd still be in the fuckin' boat."







Blonde LOGIC

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........
And one blonde says to the other,

"Which do You think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says
"Helloooooooooo, can You see Florida...?????"



CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the Mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She Says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"



SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her
very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff,
"I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today
you expect me to show it to you!"



RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river
and shouts back,

"You ARE on the other side."

Don't Skinny Dip



AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office
and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and
screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more.
She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed
her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said,
"You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"



KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde
behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was
oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper
cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn
and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied,
"We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"



IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.
Her question was,
"If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name,
can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"



FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by
saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO ......," answered the blond. "They're Watch dogs!"



Two car salesmen were sitting at a bar.  One complained 
to the other,
"Boy, business stinks.  If I don't sell more cars this month,
I'm going to lose my ass."
 
Then he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away
and immediately apologized for his bad language.
 
"That's Okay , " replied the blonde.   "I can relate ...
if I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my car!"