Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs!

Nothing can replace the bikini - and it often does!

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. 

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Life is like a roll of toilet paper. 
The closer you get to the end, the faster it goes.

A self-righteous man went to the doctor for a checkup.  He said,
"Doc, I feel terrible.  Please examine me and tell me what's wrong."

       "Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor.  "Do you drink much?"

       "Alcohol?" said the man.  "I'm a teetotaller.  Never touch a drop."

       "How about smoking?" asked the doctor.

       "Never," replied the man.  "Tobacco is bad and I have strong principles against it."

       "Well, uh," asked the doctor, "do you have much of a sex life?"

       "Oh, no," said the man.  "Sex is sin.  I'm in bed by 10:30 every night... always have been."

       The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked,
"Well, do you have pains in your head?"

       "Yes," said the man.  "I have terrible pains in my head."

       "OK," said the doctor.  "Then that's your trouble. 
Your halo is on too tight."

 

The train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking
for a seat.  There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed French woman,
but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. 
The war-weary Marine asked,

"Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular,
"Americans are so rude.  My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog.  
"Please, ma'am.  May I sit down?  I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog,
tossed it out the train window and sat down.


The woman shrieked, "Someone defend me!  
Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. 
"Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. 
You hold the fork in the wrong hand.  You drive your autos on the
wrong side of the road.   And now, sir, you seem to have
thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

click -->Two dogs in a restaurant

THIS HAS GOT TO BE A CLASSIC
This is so cleverly done, 
I didn't know which dog to watch!!! 

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=EVwlMVYqMu4&vq=medium#t=125

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Alice Roosevelt Longworth
Teddy Roosevelt's daughter
~
Alice is perhaps best remembered  for her famous quip,
"If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me."
            
Here are a few of her other remarks:

"I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full.
Scratch where it itches."
-
"I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth
is arrested development."
-
"My father always wanted to be the corpse at every funeral,
the bride at every wedding, and the baby at every christening."
-
"He [Calvin Coolidge] looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle."
-
"My specialty is detached malevolence."
-
She helped dash the hopes of cousin Franklin D. Roosevelt's next opponent,
Thomas Dewey, the pompous mustachioed ex-district attorney, who had
once informed his listeners in a speech,
“You know that your future is still ahead of you."
was compared by Alice to
“The little man on the wedding cake.”
That image possibly turned the tide in Harry Truman’s
favor in the election of 1948.
-
And when a well-known Washington senator was discovered to have been having
an affair with a young woman less than half his age, Mrs. Longworth said,
"You can't make a soufflé rise twice."

 

This new cell phone will soon be on sale soon.
I checked with AT&T

They're not sure exactly what date it will be,
but should be ready for Christmas.

I put my name on the list for when they do.
The sales rep said I was number 94,587,692!

What's the cost?

Tell me, does it matter what it costs?

click --> http://ourlighterside.com/stuff/new-x-phone/ATT000441.gif


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PROOF that proper syntax does indeed have a role to play in daily discourse. 

A woman asks her husband to do some shopping.
“Please buy a case of Bud Light and, if they have eggs, get six.” 

After a while the husband returns with six cases of Bud. His wife asks him,

“Why did you get six cases of Bud?”

He answers, “They had eggs.”

 

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test by the National
Health Service, a guy decided to have this next test carried out while visiting friends
in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly much more gentle
and accommodating.

He bent over the exam table naked while the nurse began the examination.

"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection."
said the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection," said the man.

"No, but I have," replied the nurse.

Moral: Don't have this procedure done in San Francisco!


 
 

: Republican Finally Admits That
A Democrat Was Right 


"You're right, I should have settled for a blow job!"
 

 
 



  Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool..
One of them says to the bartender,
"Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip.
I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation
while pouring the beers.

"Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year,
rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim ?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country...
the history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. 
"Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim ?
And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England ?" asks the bartender.
"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

Those fabulous Jewish Comedians
You may remember some of  these names of
old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days: 

Shecky Greene, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Joey Bishop, 
Milton Berle, Jan Murray, Danny Kaye, Henny Youngman, 
Buddy Hackett, Sid Caesar, Groucho Marx, Jackie Mason,
Victor Borge, Woody Allen, Joan Rivers, Lenny Bruce, George Burns,
Allan Sherman, Jerry Lewis, Peter Sellers, Carl Reiner, Shelley Berman, 
Gene Wilder, George Jessel, Alan King, Mel Brooks, Phil Silvers, Jack Carter, 
Rodney Dangerfield,  Don Rickles, Jack Benny, Mansel Rubenstein
and so many others. 

And there was not one single swear word in their comedy.
Here are a few examples, most of which you have
heard before. But the humor is still there.
~
I just got back from a pleasure trip.
I took my mother-in-law to the airport. 
~
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years!
If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me! 
~
What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love?
"Honey, I'm home!" 
~
Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it.
The thief spends less than my wife did. 
~
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. 
~
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night;
only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried. 
~
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed.
My wife called it the Dead Sea .. 
~
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. 
~
The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so
the doctor gave him another six months. 
~
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying,
"Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. "
Mrs. Cohen answered,
"Vell so did my arthritis!" 
~
 Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" 
Patient: "I am 60!"
Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?" 
~
 Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
Doctor: "Don't answer!" 
~
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says,
"You've been brought here for drinking." 

The drunk says "Okay, let's get started." 
~
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They're worth it. 
~
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women
like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to
the fact that WonTon spelled backward is Not Now. 
~
There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition,
the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school. 
~
Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink? 
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering. 
~
Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? 
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence! 
~
A man called his mother in Florida , 
"Mom, how are you?" 
"Not too good," said the mother..
"I've been very weak." 
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." 
The son said, "That's terrible. 
Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" 
The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth
to be filled with food if you should call." 
~
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother
he has a part in the play. She asks, 
"What part is it?" 
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." 
"The mother scowls and says,
"Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part." 
~
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? 
A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody." 
~
Short summary of every Jewish holiday: 

They tried to kill us.
We won. 
Let's eat. 
~
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a
Jewish mother on the street and said,

"Lady, I haven't eaten in three days." 

"Force yourself," she replied. 
~
Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? 
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
~
Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised? 
A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off.

 


THE SINKING BOAT
Two Jews, Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat
starts sinking. Saul says to Morty,
"So listen, Morty, you know I don't swim so well."

Morty remembers how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard
class when he was just a kid, so he begins tugging Saul
toward shore. After ten minutes, he begins to tire.
Finally about 100 feet from shore, Morty
asks Saul,

"So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone just for awhile?"

Saul replies,

"Morty, this is a hell of a time to be asking for money!"

 

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.

They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked
if anyone could tell her what it was.

Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,
"Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."