Many thanks to all and to
Trish, AngObri, Philalakes, Johnj4269, MRuss74101,
for contributing to the content of today's page.

"Start every day off with a smile - and get it over with!"

A young man went into a large department store
for a packet of rubbers.

"Have  you tried the rainbow ones?" asked the assistant,
"We've got red  ones, blue ones, green ones, orange ones,
yellow ones, plus a few other different colors."

"I'll try the lot," said the young man adventurously.

Six months later, he appeared in the same store, in tow by a
rather sorry looking young girl, asking for maternity dresses.
The  same assistant served them asking,

"What bust, madam?"

"The blue one," The young man said sadly.

 HOW CAN YOU NOT LOVE KIDS?

NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm
summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us
stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from
the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat,
"Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher
a note from his mother. The note read,
"The opinions expressed by this child are not
necessarily those of his parents."

KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her
4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.
"Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now.
She's hitting the bottle."

MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the
women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst
into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked,
"What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school,
I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and
down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered
and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help
I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her.
"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me,
"would you please tie my shoe?"

POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front
of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake,
was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog
you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled,
the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.
Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches
to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter
on my afternoon rounds.  She was unfailingly intrigued by
the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes,
walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a
set of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the
inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered,
"The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.
When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned,
"Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?"
"You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning. "

DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church,
our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made
his collar wilt.  Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates
had found a dead robin.  Feeling that proper burial should be
performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting,
then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers
and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought
his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaather,
and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes."

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just
wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read,
I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated
as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something
fell out of the Bible.  He picked up the object and looked at it.
What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed
in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the
young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."

A hunter just tagged his deer as the game warden walked up.

"Where's your license," asked the warden.

"Don't know," said the hunter.

"OK, you're under arrest for no license. Follow me to the road,
and help me drag the deer," said the warden.

"No way," said the hunter. "You drag it."

Two hours later, after the warden had dragged the deer to the road,
the hunter said,
"Now I remember, my license is in my back pocket!"



Absent-Minded Rider
 
A certain world renowned scientist was also recognized
as a particularly absent-minded professor...
 
One day, on board a train, he was unable to find his ticket.
 
The conductor said, "Take it easy. You'll find it."
 
When the conductor returned, the professor still couldn't find the ticket.
The conductor, recognizing the famous scientist, said,
"I'm sure you bought a ticket. Just forget about it."
 
"You're very kind," the professor said, "but I must find it,
otherwise I won't know where to get off."





We accompanied our son and his fiancée when they met with
her priest to sign some pre-wedding ceremony papers.

While filling out the form, our son read aloud a few questions.
When he got to the last one which read
"Are you entering this marriage at
your own will?" he looked over at his fiancée.

"Put down 'yes'"! she said.



Tom was in his early 50’s retired and started a second career.
However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time.
Everyday, 5, 10, 15 minutes late.

But he was a good worker, real sharp, so the Boss was in a
quandary about how to deal with it.

Finally, one day he called him into the office for a talk.

"Tom, I have to tell you. I like your work ethic.
You do a bang-up job, but you're being late so often
is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know Boss, and I am working on it."

"Well, good, you are a team player.
That's what I like to hear.
It's odd though, you're coming in late.
I know you're retired from the Air Force.
What did they say if you came in late there?"

They said, "Good morning, General."



"If I were  physician-surgeon and could choose my patients, I would
always select politicians. They are the easiest to operate on. . .

They have no guts, no hearts, no balls, no brains or no spines,
and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."

"Boy, I'm scared," said attorney Joe to one of his attorney friends.
"I got a letter from a guy who said he'd break my legs if I didn't stop
seeing his wife."

"Well," replied his friend,
"I guess you'll have to stop seeing his wife."

"Easy for you to say!"

"You like her that much?" asked the friend.

"It's not that," declared Anthony.
"He didn't sign his name!"



It's bedtime, and a young girl is saying her prayers:

"God bless Mommy and Daddy and me.
And please make Madrid the capital of Australia."

Her mother, who is with her, asks why she wants Madrid
to be the capital of Australia.

The child responds,
"Because that's what I put on my geography test!"



Top 10 Reasons You Might be Gay
 
10 - There's a dick up your ass.

9 - You blow every paycheck on gerbils.

8 - You get offended by the word "Fruit Loops."

7 - Your fantasies include prison showers and dropped soap.

6 - When you and your friends go out together someone always
    says, "Hey look, it's The Village People!!"

5 - When you go to a gay bar someone always asks,
"Push in your stool?"
   
4 - Your friends want to kill Richard Simmons,
you'd rather spank him.

3 - You know over 10 people named Bruce.

2 - There's always a "queer" taste in your mouth.

And the number one sign that you might be gay

1 - You wake up each morning and scratch someone else's balls.

There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to
wear to go to a fancy costume party. Then he had a
bright idea. When the host answered the door, he found
the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on,
just a pair of pants.

"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.

"A premature ejaculation. " said the man,
"I just came in my pants!"



A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner
After 25 years in the parish. A leading local
Politician and member of the congregation was
Chosen to make the presentation and give a little
Speech at the dinner.  He was delayed, so the priest
Decided to say his own few words while they waited.
 
"I got my first impression of the parish from the
First confession I heard here. I thought I had been
Assigned to a terrible place. The very first person
Who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a
Television set and, when questioned by the police, was
Able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money
From his parents, embezzled from his employer,
Had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal
Drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But
As the days went on I knew that my people were not all
Like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish
Full of good and loving people."....
 
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician
arrived full of apologies at being late. He
Immediately began to make the presentation
and gave his talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish
Priest arrived," said the politician.
"In fact, I had the honor of being the FIRST ONE
to go to him in Confession."



To Each His Own

The defendant and his lawyer are in the courtroom,
the man being charged with theft. The lawyer tells the crusty old judge:

"My lord, my client has produced receipts for,
firstly, the high speed modem."

"High-speed modem?" questions the judge.

"Yes" replies the lawyer, "It allows computers to communicate
over vast distances at high rates of speed. It allows email
something called cybersex in AOL chat rooms, your honor."

"Cybersex?" says the judge, "You mean sex through a modem?
You mean sex on a monitor? Good lord, the morals of this society!
Sex should be a natural event of nature!"

"Secondly, my lord," continues the lawyer,
"My client can produce a receipt for the 12-speed cd-rom."

"12-speed cd-rom?" queries the judge.

"Yes my lord, it enables millions of bits of information
to be read off a small disk."

"And I suppose most of this information is cybersex related...
Modern technology and modern society, baffling, just baffling,"
comments the judge. "I'm appalled at what technology
is doing to society these days."

"Thirdly my lord, my client can produce a receipt for
the super deluxe inflatable milk maid, whatever that is."

"Oh ... that's the one with the silicone breasts and real hair,"
replies the judge.

Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine
sitting by herself :

       Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"

       Maxine: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."

       Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

       Maxine: "No, they spread ."



WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED

Men Are Just Happier People--
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom
because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Your underwear is $6.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Holidays in December
(Don't ask me to prove any of them but,
in this day and age . . . )

 December 1 is National Pie Day and Eat A Red Apple Day

 December 2 is National Fritters Day

 December 3 is National Roof-Over-Your-Head Day

 December 4 is Wear Brown Shoes Day

 December 5 is National Sacher Torte Day

 December 6 is National Gazpacho Day and Mitten Tree Day

 December 7 is National Cotton Candy Day

 December 8 is Take It In The Ear Day

 December 9 is National Pastry Day

 December 10 is Festival For The Souls Of Dead Whales

 December 11 is National Noodle Ring Day

 December 12 is National Ding-A-Ling Day

 December 13 is Ice Cream and Violins Day

 December 14 is National Bouillabaisse Day

 December 15 is National Lemon Cupcake Day

 December 16 is National Chocolate Covered Anything Day

 December 17 is Underdog Day and National Maple Syrup Day

 December 18 is National Roast Suckling Pig Day

 December 19 is Oatmeal Muffin Day

 December 20 is Games Day

 December 21 is Look At The Bright Side Day, National Flashlight Day,
National French Fried Shrimp Day, and Hamburger Day

 December 22 is National Date-Nut Bread Day

 December 23 is Roots Day

 December 24 is National Egg Nog Day

 December 25 is National Pumpkin Pie Day

 December 26 is National Whiners Day

 December 27 is National Fruitcake Day

 December 28 is Card Playing Day and National Chocolate Day

 December 29 is Pepper Pot Day

 December 30 is Festival Of Enormous Changes At The Last Minute
and National Bicarbonate Of Soda Day

 December 31 is Unlucky Day

"Get my message . . . people?"

We All Continue To Hope That
Happier Days Are Ahead For The World
Now lets think ahead to '08.
Keep Informed, then
Vote your conscience with a
Sensitive Regard for Fairness and Justice.

AND 
BRING THEM HOME,
NOW . . . ALIVE!

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, 
the world will know peace."
                                                              Jimi Hendrix

 

 

" WOW "

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"OLD  BARNEY"
Long Beach Island
Barnegat Light, NJ

  Barnegat Sunset

                                                                       The Fleet