Many thanks to all and special thanks to
Tootsie, Heartlace7, underw8, 
Nannalynda, Trish, K1mmm, Terrygray11, 
AngOBri, jpfitzpatr@msn
for contributing to the content of today's page.

WE ARE ALWAYS LOOKING FOR NEW
JOKES and CARTOONS
PLEASE SHARE YOUR FAVORITES.
WE WILL DO OUR BEST TO INCLUDE THEM
IN FUTURE ISSUES FOR ALL TO ENJOY
Please use the "Feedback" or "E-Mail links.

"Start every day off with a smile - and get it over with!"

It doesn't take long does it??   

If famous characters throughout time had Jewish mothers, 
just think what those mom's might have said . . .

MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER:
 'After all the money your father and I spent on braces,
this you call a smile?'

 CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER:
 'I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't call,  you didn't write...'

 MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER:
 'A ceiling you paint? Not good enough for you the walls,
like the other children? Do you know how hard it is
to get that schmutz off the ceiling?'

NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
 'You're not hiding your report card? Show me!
Take your hand out of your jacket and show me!'

 ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
 'Again with that hat! Why can't you wear a
baseball cap like the other kids?'

 GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
 'Next time I catch you throwing money across the
Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!'

 THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
 'Okay, so I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb.
Now turn it off already and go to sleep!'

 PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER:
 'I don't care where you think you have to go, young  man,
midnight is long past your bedtime!'

 ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
 'Your senior photograph and you couldn't have
done something with your hair?'

 MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER:
 'Desert, schmesert!! Where have you really been
for the last forty years?'

 BILL GATES' JEWISH MOTHER:
 'It would have killed you to become a doctor?'

 BILL CLINTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
 'Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl.'

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they 
got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, 
the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. 
The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. 
The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom 
leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 
'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'

'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.

Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt! !! !! !






'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'

............ ............ ...............

Oh for goodness sake... Laugh, or at least groan.
Life's too short not to enjoy...


Sounds to me like she's ....... !
......been ....sweeping around!!!



Emergency Call Gone Wrong!

        Dispatcher:  "Nine-one-one.  What is the nature 
                                 of your emergency?"

        Caller:  "I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone
                          doesn't  have an eleven on 

        Dispatcher:  "This is nine eleven." 
    
        Caller:  "I thought you just said it was nine-one-one."

        Dispatcher:  "Yes, ma'am; nine-one-one and 
                                 nine-eleven are the same thing."
        Caller:  "Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid."

Cooter and Gomer

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so 
they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the 
sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad.
You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 
'Nope, ain't Stanley '

The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said,
 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over..'

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 
'No, it ain't Stanley '

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'

'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:
'There's Stanley with them two assholes.'



 WORLD WAR III IN THE PLANNING STAGES

     One day, President Bush and VP Cheney are sitting in a bar. 
A guy walks in and asks the barman, 
'Isn't that Bush and Cheney sitting over there?'

The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.'

So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! 
What are  you guys doing in here?'

Bush says, 'We're planning WW III.'

The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'

Cheney says, 'Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims 
and one blonde with big tits.'

The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits? 





Why kill a blonde with big tits?' 

Cheney turns to Bush and says, 'See, I told you, no one 
gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims.


 
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man
who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, 
 twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. 
 
  So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall
and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
 
 She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes when
he turned to leave,  using a cane and moving very slowly,
she approached him for an interview. 
 
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. 
May I ask your name?"

"Morris Fishbein," he replied.
   
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall
and praying?"
 
"For about 60 years."  
 
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" 
 
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.
I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.
 I pray for all our children to grow up safely as
responsible adults, and to love their fellow man." 
 
  "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
  
  "Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."



A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing,
so he approached his assistant.

"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want
to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic
and take care of all me patients."

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks,
"So, Murphy, how was  your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. 
"The first one had a headache so he did,  
so I gave him Paracetamol." 

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second  one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon,
so I did sir." says Murphy.

"Bravo, bravo!  You're good at this,
and what about the third one?"

"Sir, I was sitting here and  suddenly the door flies open
and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. 
Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes,
taking off everyting including her bra and her panties
and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts,

"HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years
I have not seen any man!"

"Tunderin' lard Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor. .

"I put drops in her eyes."



BIRTHDAY REMINDER

This week we celebrate a special birthday
 


Monica Lewinsky turns 44.   Can you believe it? 

It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, putting everything in her mouth...
They grow up so fast, don't they ?

 

 Prayer for Grandpa 
     
 
  Dear God, please  send clothes
 for all those poor ladies on grandpa's
computer. Amen.



A drunk turned to a woman sitting beside him at the bar and said; 

"Drinking makes you look beautiful, darling." 

She looked a little surprised and answered, 

"but I haven't had a drink yet." 

He smiled and replied, 

"No, but I have!"



To cut down on auto accidents, make sure
your car's SEAT BELTS are properly installed!

A woman walked into a drugstore and headed to the back
to speak to the pharmacist.
"Do you have anything for hiccups?" she asked.

Without warning, the pharmacist reached over
and gave the woman a sharp smack on the shoulder.

"Did that help?" he inquired.

"I don't know," the startled woman replied.
"I'll have to ask my husband.  He's waiting in the car."

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, 
the world will know peace."
                                                              Jimi Hendrix

"If we ever forget that we're one nation under God,
then we will be a nation gone under." 
                                                                                            Ronald Reagan

" WOW "

http://www.thecopymacheen.com

The Fleet