Many thanks to all and special thanks to
 AngieOBri, Trish, Tootsie, Heartlace7, Terrygray11
for contributing to the content of today's page.

"Start every day off with a smile - and get it over with!"
We can't control the wind, but we can adjust our sails.

Two little boys were arguing.

"My father is better than your father!"

"No he's not!"

"My brother is better than your brother!"

"No he's not!"

"My mother is better than your mother!"

The second boy paused. "Well I guess you've got me there.
My father says the same thing."

WHAT THOSE ITEMS IN YOUR
JOB EVALUATION REPORT REALLY MEAN

A keen analyst:
Thoroughly confused.

Accepts new job assignments willingly:
Never finishes a job.

Active socially:
Drinks heavily.

Alert to company developments:
An office gossip.

Approaches difficult problems with logic:
Finds someone else to do the job.

Average:
Not too bright.

Bridge builder:
Likes to compromise.

Character above reproach:
Still one step ahead of the law.

Charismatic:
No interest in any opinion but his own.

Competent:
Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

Conscientious and careful:
Scared.

Consults with co-workers often:
Indecisive, confused, and clueless.

Consults with supervisor often:
Very annoying.

Delegates responsibility effectively:
Passes the buck easily.

Demonstrates qualities of leadership:
Has a loud voice.

Displays excellent intuitive judgment:
Knows when to disappear.

Displays great dexterity and agility:
Dodges and evades superiors well.

Enjoys job:
Needs more to do.

Excels in sustaining concentration but avoids confrontations:
Ignores everyone.

Excels in the effective application of skills:
Makes a good cup of coffee.

Exceptionally well qualified:
Has committed no major blunders to date.

Expresses self well:
Can string two sentences together.

Gets along extremely well with superiors and subordinates alike:
A coward.

Happy:
Paid too much.

Hard worker:
Usually does it the hard way.

Identifies major management problems:
Complains a lot.

Indifferent to instruction:
Knows more than superiors.

Internationally know:
Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.

Is well informed:
Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept.

Inspires the cooperation of others:
Gets everyone else to do the work.

Is unusually loyal:
Wanted by no-one else.

Judgment is usually sound:
Lucky.

Keen sense of humor:
Knows lots of dirty jokes.

Keeps informed on business issues:
Subscribes to Playboy and National Enquirer.

Listens well:
Has no ideas of his own.

Maintains a high degree of participation:
Comes to work on time.

Maintains professional attitude:
A snob.

Meticulous in attention to detail:
A nitpicker.

Mover and shaker:
Favors steamroller tactics without regard for other opinions.

Not a desk person:
Did not go to college.

Of great value to the organization:
Turns in work on time.

Use all available resources:
Takes office supplies home for personal use.

Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses for errors.

Requires work-value attitudinal readjustment:
Lazy and hard-headed.

Should go far:
Please.

Slightly below average:
Stupid.

Spends extra hours on the job:
Miserable home life.

Stern disciplinarian:
A real jerk.

Straightforward:
Blunt and insensitive.

Strong adherence to principles:
Stubborn.

Tactful in dealing with superiors:
Knows when to keep mouth shut.

Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress:
Buys drinks for superiors.

Takes pride in work:
Conceited.

Unlimited potential:
Will stick with us until retirement.

Uses resources well:
Delegates everything.

Uses time effectively:
Clock watcher.

Very creative:
Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.

Visionary:
Cannot handle paperwork or any project that lasts less than a week.

Well organized:
Does too much busywork.

Will go far:
Relative of management.

Willing to take calculated risks:
Doesn’t mind spending someone else’s money.

Zealous attitude:
Opinionated

A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy,
'So your mother says your prayers for you each night?
That's very commendable.
What does she say?'
 
The little boy replied,
'Thank God he's in bed!'



INSULTS 

I don't know what makes you so stupid, 
but it really works!

I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion
against thousands of others?

I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.

I hear you were born on a farm.
Any more in the litter?

I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!

I heard you went to have your head examined
but the doctors found nothing there.

I know you are nobody's fool but maybe someone will adopt you.

I thought of you all day today.
I was at the zoo.
I would ask you how old you are but I know
you can't count that high.

I'd like to help you out.
Which way did you come in?

I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure
you have anywhere to put it!

I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.

I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!

If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours
because I'd want a brain that had never been used.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.

If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder;
it would be genocide!

If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's invulnerable.

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

If your brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M.

Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!

Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me
for someone who gives a damn.

So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been
a long and lonely journey.

Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadn't.

There is no vaccine against stupidity.



The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot 's wife
looked back and turned into a pillar of salt,
when little Jason interrupted,

'My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,'
he announced triumphantly,
'and she turned into a telephone pole!'

"It's OK dear! Take all the time you need!!!"


Three guys were sitting at the bar.
The first guy said, "You know, I'm really lucky.
When my wife makes love, she's like an acrobat.
She can get into the most incredible positions."
 
The second guy said, "I'm lucky, too. My wife is like a world-class pianist when we have sex. She's got the most talented hands you can imagine."

No one spoke for a moment.

Then the first guy said to the third guy,
"George how's your wife in bed?"

George took a sip of his beer, then replied,
"I guess you could say that my wife makes love
like a chess player."

"A chess player?"

"Yeah. Every twenty minutes, she moves."

BOOBS AND WILLIES

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father,
'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'
                   
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s , they are like pears, still nice
but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions'
                   
'Onions?'
                   
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
                   
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said,
'Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'
                   
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes
through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree,
mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but
reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.
                   
'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes --- dead from the root up
and the balls are just for decoration.

DEFINITIONS

School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays.
 
Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life
so that you can die Rich.

Nurse: A person who wakes you up to give you sleeping pills.
 
Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.
 
Divorce: Future tense of Marriage.
 
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower
is defeated by feminine waterpower.
  
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by
the number present.
 
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way
that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
 
Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
 
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks
nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
 
Father: A banker provided by nature.
 
Criminal: A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.
 
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late
and late when you are early.
 
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections
and your Confidence after.
 
Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.
 
Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read.
 
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
 
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
 
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
 
Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know
more than you actually do.
 
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually
and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
 
Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
 
Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, 
the world will know peace."
                                                              Jimi Hendrix

" WOW "

http://www.thecopymacheen.com

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