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Many
thanks to all and special thanks to
Tootsie,
Johnj4269, SlingoGMa, Nannalynda,
MRuss74101, Terrygray11, Sheri, underw8
for contributing to the content
of today's page.
 WE
ARE ALWAYS LOOKING FOR NEW
JOKES and
CARTOONS
PLEASE SHARE YOUR FAVORITES.
WE WILL DO OUR BEST TO INCLUDE THEM
IN FUTURE ISSUES FOR ALL TO ENJOY
Please use the
"Feedback" or "E-Mail links.
Lady Lynx
"Start
every day off with a smile - and get it over with!"
"Always remember to forget the troubles that pass
your way;
BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day."
To
admit you were wrong is to declare
you are wiser now than before.
DEFINITIONS
Atom
Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.
Boss : Someone who is early when you are late
and late when you are early.
Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire
at one end
and a fool on the other.
Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by
the number present.
Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way
that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody
listens
and everybody disagrees later on.
Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.
Criminal : A guy no different from the rest....except
that he got caught.
Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually
and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such
a way
that You actually look forward to the trip.
Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more
than you actually do.
Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.
Father : A banker provided by nature.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the
notes
of the lecturer to the notes of the students without
passing through "the minds of either"
Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Office : A place where you can relax after your
strenuous home life..
Opportunist : A person who starts taking a bath
if he accidentally falls into a river.
Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel tower
says midway
"See I am not injured yet."
Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections
and your confidence after.
Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life,
to be spoken of when dead..
Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine
will-power
is defeated by feminine water power.
Yawn : The only time some married men
ever get to open their mouth.
Moose
Sex
Two guys are drinking in a bar. One says:
"Did you know that Moose
have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"
"Aw shit...," says his friend, "and I
just joined the VFW!"
SEVEN KINDS OF SEX
Results of recent research shows that there are 7 kinds
of sex.
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf
Sex.
* This kind of sex happens when you first meet
someone,
and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen
Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for a
short time,
and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in
the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom
Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for a
long time. Your sex has become routine, and you
usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway
Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for
too long.
When you pass each other in the hallway you both say
'screw you..'
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious
Sex.
* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the
afternoon
and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
The 6th kind is called: Courtroom
Sex.
* This is when you cannot stand your wife any
more.
She takes you to court and screws you in front of
everyone.
And; Last, but not least,
The 7th kind of sex is called: Social
Security Sex.
* You get a little each month. But not enough to
enjoy yourself.
What
do you call a Florida gynecologist?
A spreader of old wives' tails.
He
Said To Me!
He said to me ..... I don't know why you wear a
bra;
you've got nothing to put in it.
I said to him ..... You wear pants don't you?
He said to me ...... Shall we try swapping
positions tonight?
I said to him ...... That's a good idea -
you stand by the stove & sink while I
sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart .
He said to me ..... What have you been doing with
all the grocery money
I gave you? I said to him ...... Turn sideways and look
in the mirror!
He said to me ...... Why don't women blink during
foreplay?
I said to him .....They don't have time !
He said to me ..... How many men does it take to
change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him ...... I don't know; it has never
happened.
He said to me ..... Why is it difficult to find
men who are
sensitive, caring and good- looking?
I said to him ..... They already have boyfriends.
He said to me ... What do you call a woman
who knows where her husband is every night?
I said to him ..... A widow.
He said to me .... Why are married women heavier
than single women?
I said to him . . . Single women come home, see
what's in the fridge
and go to bed. Married women come home,
see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
THE
POTTY
A
LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET.
HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG,
SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP. THE LITTLE BOY IS
SITTING
ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS
OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO TO THE TOILET
SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE
HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.
HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE.
BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY..
I
JUST HAVEN'T GONE 'DOODY' YET."
MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE
MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF
ON THE HEAD?"
BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."
Potato Prostitute
~
Two little potatoes are standing on the street corner.
One is a prostitute. How can you tell which one is the
prostitute?
You're gonna love it...
It's the one with the little sticker that says..
~
~
~
" I - DA - HO "
The
good looking lesbians next door
asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.
It was very nice of them, but I think they
misunderstood me when I said,
“I wanna watch.”
WHY
YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK...
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I
selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to
check out, a drunk
stand ing behind me watched as I placed the items in
front of the
cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the
purchases, the drunk
calmly stated, 'You must be single.'
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was
intrigued by the
derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr.
Right. I looked
at the six items on the belt and saw nothing
particularly unusual
about my selections that could have tipped off
the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said , 'Yes you
are correct .
But how on earth did you know that?'
The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly'.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED
1)
Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...
mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's
nut that held its ground..
5) Laughing is good exercise.
It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal
for the fiber, not the toy.
Three
men were discussing aging at the nursing home.
Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-
year-old.
You always feel like you have to pee.
And most of the time, you stand at the toilet
and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old.
When you're seventy,
you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take
laxatives,
eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin'
comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty
is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the
60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee
like
a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let
me get this
straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and poop every
morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being
80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
What's hard and hairy on the outside, soft and wet in
the middle,
starts with a C and ends with a T ?
A coconut.
A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says,
"Are you comfortable?"
The man says, "I make a good living."
May
your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey be plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!
Happy
Thanksgiving
To All!
click
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Ronald Reagan
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