A survey on sexual habits was being carried out
by a popular newspaper and one questioner stopped an
elderly Italian gentleman in the street who was wearing
a black suit and asked him how often he had sexual intercourse.

"Oh, about half a dozen times a year", said the gentleman.

The questioner smiled.

"I thought you Italians were supposed to be sexy!" she said.

"We are," said the gentleman.
"But, I don't think half a dozen times a year is so bad
for a seventy-two year old priest with no car"


 
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday.
He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62."
He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked,
"Did you start at 1?"

A cocky Department of Agriculture representative
stopped at a farm and talked with the old farmer;

"I need to inspect your farm."

The old farmer said
"You better not go in that field."

The Ag representative said in a "wise-assed tone"

"I have the authority of the U.S. Government with me.
See this card, I am allowed to go wherever I wish on agricultural land."

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.
Later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture rep running for the fence, close behind was the
farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full
of hornets and the bull was gaining at every step.

The Old farmer called out:

"Show him your card!"




After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed
into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash
her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more
rambunctious, her patience grew thin.

At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room,
putting them back to bed with stern warnings.
As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say
with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"





A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter
what her own childhood was like:
"We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire;
it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony.
We picked wild raspberries in the woods."

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said,
"I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet,
so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask
what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct.
But it was fun for me, so I continued.
At last she headed for the door, saying sagely,

"Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin,
we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting
pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in.
Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered,

"It's no use, Grandpa.
The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."



When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied,
"I'm not sure."

"Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised.

"Mine says I'm four to six."

THE PROCTOLOGIST

A second grader came home from school
and said to her grandmother,
"Grandma, guess what?
We learned how to make babies today."

The grandmother, more than a little surprised,
tried to keep her cool.
"That's interesting," she said,
"How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl.
"You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'"



Children's Logic:
"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.
The small boy wrote:
"The fireman came down the ladder pregnant"
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him.
"Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently.
"It means carrying a child."