The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow. 

Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail. 

 Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs. 

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A pilot landed a plane with a rather bumpy landing. As part of his job he was
required to stand by the terminal door and say goodbye to the
passengers as they exited the airplane.

He was afraid that someone might say something about his rather less than perfect
landing, but everyone left without saying a word except for one passenger,
an elderly lady, she slowly approached the pilot after most
passengers had exited the plane and asked,
 
"Did we land? Or were we shot down?"



A FEW REAL ATHLETES!!
This should be designated an OLYMPIC event!

Happy Hour in Newfoundland
A Newfie is driving down a back road in Newfoundland  .
A sign in front of a restaurant reads:
"HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL"
Lobster Tail and Beer
 
'Lord tundering Jesus' he says to himself,.....
'my tree favourite tings!!' 

"Paraprosdokian".
Here is the definition:
"Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is
surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."
"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.

Here are fifteen more:

1. Do not argue with an idiot.
He will drag you down to his level
and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you.
But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you,
we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up,
we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right -
only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,'
and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.
To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career.
Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application,
in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:'
I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault,
I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men
until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut,
and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman.
Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

The Agony of Dyslexia

After Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit  my dyslexic friend.
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him,

"You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!

H

Just in case you have never seen a REAL ONE....

This is a good counter balance story to the Jane Fonda "Vietnam"
Woman Of The Year story I have received many times in my e-mail.
http://www.snopes.com/politics/military/margret.asp

Ann Margaret   Viet Nam 1966

Richard, (my husband), never really talked a lot about his time in Viet Nam other than
 he had been shot by a sniper. However, he had a rather grainy, 8 x 10 black
 and white photo he had taken at a USO show of Ann Margaret
 with Bob Hope in the background
 that was one of his treasures.

A few years ago, Ann Margaret was doing a book signing! at a local bookstore.
 Richard wanted to see if he could get her to sign the treasured photo so
 he arrived at the bookstore at 12 o'clock for the 7:30 signing.

When I got there after work, the line went all the way around the bookstore,
 circled the parking lot and disappeared behind a parking garage.
Before her appearance, bookstore employees announced that
 she would sign only her book and no
 memorabilia would be permitted.

Richard was disappointed, but wanted to show her the photo and let her know
 how much those shows meant to lonely GI's so far from home.
 Ann Margaret came out looking as beautiful as ever and,
 as second in line, it was soon Richard's turn.

He presented the book for her signature and then took out the photo.
When he did, there were many shouts from the employees that
 she would not sign it. Richard said,
 "I understand. I just wanted her to see it."

She took one look at the photo, tears welled up in her eyes and she said,
 "This is one of my gentlemen from Viet Nam and I most certainly will sign his photo.
 I know what these men did for their country and I always have time for 'my gentlemen.'"

With that, she pulled Richard across the table and planted a big kiss on him.
 She then made quite a to-do about the bravery of the young men she met
 over the years, how much she admired them, and how much
 she appreciated them. There weren't too many dry eyes
 among those close enough to hear.

She then posed for pictures and acted as if he were the only one there.

Later at dinner, Richard was very quiet. When I asked if he'd like to talk about it,
 my big strong husband broke down in tears.

"That's the first time anyone ever thanked me for my time in the Army," he said.

That night was a turning point for him. He walked a little straighter
 and, for the first time in years, was proud to have been a Vet.
 I'll never forget Ann Margaret for her graciousness and
 how much that small act of kindness meant to my husband.

I now make it a point to say "Thank you" to every person
 I come across who served in our Armed Forces.

Freedom does not come cheap and I am grateful for
 all those who have served their country.

If you'd like to pass on this story, feel free to do so. Perhaps it will help others
 to become aware of how important it is to acknowledge the contribution
 our service people make.

Don't be too busy today...
Share this inspiring message with friends and family.

On behalf of those who DO appreciate all that you did for us, thank you
to each of you who receive this message who have serve
 or are serving our country in the armed services
 or any other service.

Crazy diver from a 1951 Frank Sinatra tv show

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