Lady Lynx

 

A young man goes home from a war to see his mother
in the hills of West Virginia. She has never left the hills
and has never seen anything like her son's uniform or gun.
He shows his mother both items, then she asks about
the grenades on his belt. He says,

"Well, you pull the pin and throw it."

She still doesn't quite get it, so he decides to demonstrate.
He pulls the pin and throws the grenade into the backyard.

The outhouse blows up and his mother cries,

"Son you shouldn't have done that! Your father was in there."

And out crawls his father, all covered in dirt.
He looks over at the hole and says,

"Good thing I didn't let that one off in the house."

Two guys are chatting in a bar. One says

"Did you know that lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"

"Damn," says his friend, "and I just joined the Elks."



I drove by the fire department the other day,
and they had a big public awareness sign
that read,
"Are your house numbers visible?"

I thought, "Who the fuck cares?  How about
you just stop at the house that's on fire?!"

 

Lovemaking tips for seniors

1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner
is actually in bed with you.
2. Set timer for 2 minutes, just in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand just in case you can't remember.
6. Keep the Polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have Extra-Strength Tylenol ready just in case
you actually complete what you started.
8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.
9. If it happens, call everyone you know with the good news.
10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

CLICK  GRANNY GUARD

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The blonde says to her friend,
"My boyfriend has the worst dandruff."

Her friend says,
"You should give him Head and Shoulders."

The blonde thinks for a minute and asks,
"How do you give shoulders?"

"Well, Jonathan, what are you going to do about
the excess weight you're carrying around," the doctor asked.

"I don't understand it, Doc," Jonathan replied,
"I just can't seem to lose weight. I must have an overactive thyroid."

"Jonathan, the tests show that your thyroid is perfectly normal,"
replied the doctor.
"If anything is overactive, it's your fork." 

While I was waiting to see the dentist,
a woman came out of his inner office smiling.
Nodding to me, she said,
"Thank goodness my work is completed.
I'm so glad to have found a painless dentist and one
who's so gentle and understanding too."

When seated in the dentist chair, I related the incident
to the doctor. He laughed and explained,
"Oh, that was just my Mother."



Proof That The World Is Nuts

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals,
but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a
male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
- -
 In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals,
but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination.
He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
 (Do they look different reversed?)
- -
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse.
This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased
must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. 
(A brick?)
- -
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than "going blind!")
- -
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel
the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay
them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.
Reason: under Guam law,
it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else
in the world that even comes close to this?)
- -
In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her
adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand,
may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
- -
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England -
but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
- -
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband,
and the first time this happens, her mother
must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

 Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
 (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
 
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
 
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)

 

A guy walks into a gas station and buys a pack of cigarettes. 
He pulls one out and starts smoking it.

The cashier says, "Excuse me sir, but you can't smoke in here."

The guy says, "Don't you think it's kinda dumb...
that I buy them here but can't smoke them here?"

And the cashier replies, "Not at all...
we also sell condoms here."



**Father-Son Talk**

"Mom? I've got a question. The guys at school are
using words I don't understand."
 
"What words, dear?"
 
"Pussy and bitch."
 
Mom inhaled sharply, but then said, "Oh, that's easy. A pussy is a cat,
like our little Mittens. A bitch is a female dog, like our Sandy."
 
"Thanks, Mom."
 
He then found his Dad out in the garage.
 
"Dad, the guys at school are using words I don't understand."
 
"What words, son?"
 
"Pussy and bitch. I asked Mom, but I don't think she
told me the right meaning."
 
Dad said, "Son, never ask your mother about these things,
ask me instead. Let me explain it like this ..."
He pulled a Playboy from his workbench, turned to the centerfold,
drew a circle around the pubic area and said,
"Son, everything inside the circle is pussy."
 
"Okay, Dad. Then what's a bitch?"
 
Dad replied, "Everything outside the circle!"

Japanese Fart

A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she
married she was to please her husband and never upset him.
So the first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese bride
crawled out of bed after making love, stooped down to pick up her
husband's clothes and accidentally let out a big fart.
She looked up and said:
"Aww so sowwy...excuse prease,
front hole so happy back hole whistle."
Old but still brings back 'memories'!



A young and foolish hot-shot pilot wanted to sound cool and
show who was boss on the aviation radio frequencies. So,
this was his first time approaching an airfield during the nighttime.
Instead of making any official landing requests to the tower, he said:
"Guess who?"

The tower controller switched the field lights off and replied:
"Guess where!"



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Gonorrhea Lectim

The Center for Disease Control 
has issued a warning about a virulent new strain 
of Sexually Transmitted Disease.
The disease is contracted through dangerous and 
high-risk behavior.
The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim and is pronounced
 gonna re-elect him. Many victims contracted it in 2004, 
after having been screwed for four years.  Cognitive characteristics  
of individuals infected include: anti-social personality disorders, 
delusions of grandeur with messianic overtones, extreme 
cognitive  dissonance, inability to incorporate new 
information, pronounced xenophobia  and paranoia, 
inability to accept responsibility for ones own  actions, 
cowardice masked by misplaced bravado, uncontrolled 
facial  smirking, ignorance of geography and history, 
tendencies towards  evangelical theocracy, and categorical 
all-or-nothing behavior.

This destructive disease originated only a few years ago
from a bush found in Texas.

"Bush is getting rid of the phrase, 'stay the course.'
That was his phrase for the entire war.
Maybe the phrase should have been, 'Find bin Laden.'
Do you miss the old days when the phrase was,
'Stay under the desk'?" 
David Letterman

          

    Down for the count           Hee Haw              

"Happy Days Are Here Again"

THIS PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS

APPLICABLE QUOTES

"He can compress the most words into the 
smallest idea of any man I know."
Abraham Lincoln

"He had delusions of adequacy."
Walter Kerr

"Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney
got full endorsement from President Bush.
That's like Curly and Larry
getting a vote of confidence from Moe."
David Letterman

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; 
others, whenever they go."
Oscar Wilde

Not the brightest bulb in the lamp.
Space precludes listing all sources of this one

RELIGIOUS FUNDAMENTALISM: A THREAT ABROAD, 
A THREAT AT  HOME

It's better to be known by only six people for something 
you're proud of than by 60 million for something you're not.

   
  and BRING THEM HOME, 
  NOW . . . ALIVE! 

 

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BARNEGAT, NEW JERSEY
On The Jersey Shore