Many thanks to all and special thanks to
  MRuss74101, AngOBri, IrockBlue, Trish, Johnj4269, 
Paulette, Tootsie 
for contributing to the content of today's page.

"Start every day off with a smile - and get it over with!"
We can't control the wind, but we can adjust our sails.

THE SENILITY PRAYER : 
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and, the eyesight to tell the difference.



My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.



The only thing good about my attained age is
that now, there is very little peer pressure!



SIMPLE MATH

'Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply. 
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you 
her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She 
multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

Sooooo - if you give her any CRAP, 
you will receive a ton of SHIT.'

Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria.
"Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?" one asked.

"He got this harebrained notion
he was going to build a new kind of car,"

"How was he going to do it?"

"He took an engine from a Pontiac; tires from a Chevy,
seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from Caddy and,
well, you get the idea."

"So what did he end up with?"

"Ten years to life."



BUBBA IN PARIS ....
 
Bubba, a furniture dealer from Alabama , planned to expand the line
of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what
he could find.  After arriving in Paris he met with some manufacturers
and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home.
 
To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro
and have a glass of wine.  As he sat enjoying his wine,
he noticed the small place was quite crowded,
and that the other chair at his table was
the only vacant seat in the house.
 
Before long, a very beautiful Parisian girl came to his table,
asked him something in French (which he did not understand),
and motioned toward the chair.  He invited her to sit down.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his
language and so, after a couple of minutes of trying
to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew
a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her.
She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.
 
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin,
and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.
They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured
a small group playing romantic music.
They ordered dinner, after which he took another
napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.
She nodded, and they got up to dance.
They danced until the cafe closed
and the band was packing up.
 
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin
and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
 
To this day, Bubba has no idea how she figured out
he was in the furniture business!

A Guide To Life
- -
 Old people always have exact change.

 Do not trust a man who calls the bathroom
"the little boys room."

 Women who sound sexy on the radio weigh 377 pounds.

 In movies, Italians can play Jews and Jews can play Italians,
but neither can play Lutherans.

 No talking at the urinal.

 White cars look good only on Fantasy Island.

 No matter how hard you practice, you cannot say the phrase,
"Yeah, right" without sounding sarcastic.

 Never trust a man with pictures of balloons on his checks.

 Stewardesses from Third World airlines are much more attractive
than those of developed countries.

 Never play cards with a man who wears a visor.

 The dumber the man, the louder he talks.

 Born-again Christians have the most meticulously parted hair.

 Unless you are a Pilgrim, large shoe buckles are to be avoided.
 
 The last people who should be having kids
are always the first to do so.

 Seat belts do wrinkle your suit, but so do windshields.

The fatter the man the smaller the swimsuit.

 The weirder the cell phone ring,
the more annoying the person.

 Walking into Staples and shouting,
"Hey, where are the staples?" isn't funny.

 Dogs with bandanas around their necks
are not pleased with the accessory.

 Women who have two or more brothers are less likely
to be disgusted by you.

 There's a special circle in Hell reserved for those who adjust
their rearview mirrors while you wait for their parking space.

 No matter how furtive or quick the glance, a woman always knows
when you are looking at their breasts.

 People who begin sentences by saying "With all due respect,"
are in fact preparing to impart loads of disrespect.

 There's no thrill like the thrill of getting cash in the mail.

 The lower a waiter bends down when introducing himself,
the less he should be trusted.

 The wackier a doctor's neckties,
the less prestigious his medical school.

 Your bumper sticker is only 3 percent
as clever as you think it is.







THE WAY IT IS

The old system of having a baby was much better
than the new system, the old system being characterized
by the fact that the man didn't have to watch.
- -
I've noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage
your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you
the next stage is worse.
- -
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen
and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water,
a vital ingredient in beer.
- 
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog
will give you this look that says,
"My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!
- -
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy,
overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody
who owns hideous clothing.
- -
American consumers have no problem with carcinogens,
but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax,
that has fat in it.
- -
Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least
172 miles per hour upside down.
- -
Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader,
who represents a big consumer organization
that never pays a nickel in taxes.
- -
Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why?
The answer is one word: versions.
- -
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
- -
Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms,
and there is no known way to kill it
that does not involve nuclear weapons.
- -
Dogsled-riding is a sport that is relaxing as well as fragrant.
- -
Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup,
only less filling.
- -
Eugene is located in western Oregon,
approximately 278 billion miles from anything.
- -
Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish,
and then it is disgusting.
- -
The four building blocks of the universe are
fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
- -
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol
if you take it from another person's plate.
- -
Skiing combines outdoor fun with
knocking down trees with your face.
- -
For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far,
has always been hitting the ball.



These fit so well they should be in a dictionary.

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends
and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born
and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off..

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have,
similar to my character lines.

><><

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic
elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was
a large pile of apples. The nun made a note,
and posted it on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table
was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note,

"Take all you want. God is watching the apples!





A brunette, a redhead and a blonde escape a burning building
by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below,
a blanket for them to jump in. The firemen yell to the brunette,
"Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!"

The brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away.
The brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.

"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!" say the firemen to the redhead.

"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the redhead.

"No! It's brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with redheads!"

"OK," says the redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen
yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement
like a pancake. Finally, the blonde steps to the edge of the roof.
Again, the firemen yell, "Jump! You have to jump!"

"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the blonde.

"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"

"Look," the blonde says. "Nothing you say is gonna
convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away!
So what I want you to do is put the blanket down,
and back away from it..."





GROANERS
 
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,
but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
 
She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was
Sir Cumference.  He acquired his size from too much pi.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class
because it was a weapon of math disruption.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
 
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road
and was cited for littering.
 
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in
Linoleum Blownapart.
 
Two silk worms had a race.  They ended up in a tie.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.
The police are looking into it.
 
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:
'Keep off the Grass.'
 
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison
was a small medium, at large.

In democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.
 
When cannibals ate a missionary,
they got a taste of religion.
 
Don't join dangerous cults,
practice safe sects.



JUST THE FACTS

1. When I was born, I was given a choice -
A big dick or a good memory.. I don't remember, what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men -
'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth,
but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life:
Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a
good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing.
He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed',
many men still sleep with their wives!!

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, 
the world will know peace."
                                                              Jimi Hendrix

" WOW "

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