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Many
thanks to
Irocblue,
Terrygray11,
AngOBri, Trish,
hbonning, MRuss74101, Cartoonery , Nekia
for contributing to the content
of today's page.
Lady Lynx
Daylight
Saving Time ENDS
Sunday, November 4th
TURN
CLOCKS BACK
ONE HOUR
This old couple is ready to go to sleep
so the old man lays on the bed
but the old woman lays on the floor.
The old man asks,
"Why are you going to sleep on the floor?"
The old woman says,
"Because I want to feel something hard
against me for a change."
The Drought's Effect on Religion
It's so dry in Kentucky, that the Baptists
are starting to baptize by sprinkling - -
Methodists are using wet-wipes - -
Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks,
Episcopalians are dry cleaning, and - -
Catholics are praying for the wine to change back to water
!!
NOW THAT'S DRY!
Two guys are drinking in a bar.
One says, "Did you know that lions
have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"
"Shit!" Says his friend.
"I just joined The Elks."
"Dear
Lord, Thank
you for bringing me to
Timmy's house and
not to Michael Vick's."
AMEN
The Zen of Sarcasm
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me either.
Just pretty much leave me alone.
-
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan
belt
and leaky tire.
-
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going
to steal
your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
-
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced,
you can't be promoted.
-
Always remember that you're unique.
Just like everyone else.
-
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
-
If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
try missing a couple of car payments.
-
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile
in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them,
you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
-
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not
for you.
-
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how
to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
-
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again,
it was probably wise investment.
-
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember
anything.
-
Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
-
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
-
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in
half
and put it back in your pocket.
-
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
-
Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a
dark side,
and it holds the universe together.
-
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill
and a laxative on the same night.
-
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much
when your lips are moving.
-
Experience is something you don't get
until just after you need it.
-
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
-
There are two theories to arguing with women.
Neither one works.
My love life is terrible.
The last time I was inside a woman
was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.
Thought for the day
Handle every situation like a Fox Terrier - -
If you can't Eat it or Screw it;
Piss on it and Walk Away .
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana.
As they were approaching Natchitoches, they
started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the
employee,
"Before we order, could you please settle an argument
for us?
Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"
The girl leaned over the counter and said,
"Maaaaac, donnnnn, aaallllds."
A lot of folks can't understand how we came
to have
an oil shortage here in our country.
Well, there's a very simple answer.
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
We just didn't know we were getting low.
The reason for that, is purely geographical.
Our OIL is located in
Alaska
Coastal Florida
Coastal Louisiana
Kansas
Oklahoma
Pennsylvania
&
Texas
but all our DIPSTICKS are located in
Washington , DC.
Any Questions?
Thoughts
For Those
Who Take Life Way Too Seriously
><
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
-
A day without sunshine is like . . Night.
-
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
-
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
-
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
-
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some
people have.
-
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
-
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of
payments.
-
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong
lane.
-
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off
now.
-
Every one has a photographic memory.
Some just don't have film.
-
Inside every older person is a younger person
wondering what happened.
-
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some
people
appear bright until you hear them speak.
One
farmer says to another farmer that he had to shoot
one of his cows?
"Was it mad?" asks the other farmer.
The farmer replies
"Well it wasn't very happy about it".
A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed an
eternity.
Looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring
the
wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking
so long?
Hit the blasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me
from the clubhouse.
I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man, you'll never hit her from
here!"
My
friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
So I asked him,
"What was the name of his other leg?"
Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.
Patient: Doctor, I think that I've bitten by a vampire.
Doctor: Drink this glass of water.
Patient: Will it make me better?
Doctor: No, I but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks.
One day, the seven dwarfs left to go work in the
mine. Snow
White stayed home to prepare lunch.
When she arrived at the mine with the
lunch, she saw that there
had been a terrible cave in. Tearfully, and fearing
the worst,
Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope
that
some of the dwarfs had survived.
"Hello, hello," she called.
"Can anyone hear me? Hello."
For quite a while there was no answer. Losing hope,
Snow White called again,
"Hello. Is anyone down there?"
Just as she was about to give up all
hope, there came a faint
voice from deep in the mine. The voice said,
"Vote Republican. Vote Republican."
Snow White, somewhat relieved screamed
out,
"Oh, thank God. Dopey is still alive."
On a crowded bus, one man noticed
that another man
had his eyes closed.
"What's the matter? Are you sick?" he asked.
"No, I'm okay.
It's just that I hate to see old ladies standing."
I was arrested at the airport.
Just because I was greeting my cousin Jack!
All that I said was "Hi Jack", but very loud.
A woman participating in a survey was asked
how she felt about condoms.
She said, "Depends on what's in it for me."
We
All Continue To Hope That
Happier Days
Are Ahead For The World
Now
lets
think
ahead to '08.
Keep Informed, then
Vote your conscience with a
Sensitive Regard for Fairness and Justice.
AND
BRING
THEM HOME,
NOW
. . . ALIVE!
AMERICA
The Land of The FREE
Because of The BRAVE
"
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