Many thanks to all and special thanks to
  AngOBri,  Trish, Philalakes, MRuss74101, 
JJinPalos, AngOBri, Terrygray11, 
Tootsie, IrockBlue
for contributing to the content of today's page.

"Start every day off with a smile - and get it over with!"
We can't control the wind, but we can adjust our sails.

A very young couple exhibiting signs of extreme nervousness
timidly approached the check-in desk of a large hotel.

 "Good evening, sir,"  said the official behind the desk,
favoring the young man with a perceptive wink.
"Suite 16?"

"Oh, no!" the young man responded quickly.
"She's eighteen."

A Certified Old Coot
- -
I'm cashing in my coupons.
I'm hanging up my suit.
It's finally official,
I'm a certified old coot.

I've got me a disabled sticker.
The pension's coming soon.
I'm swapping my steak knife
for a wooden spoon.

There's handles on the bathtub.
Big numbers on the phone.
And a panic button I can push
if I should fall at home.

I knew one day my time would come.
So this is really it.
Goodbye me the 'Younger"
and 'Hello' you old git.
                                                         Sandi V  

SENIOR MOMENT

The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly
demanded to  know where her Sunday edition was.

Ma'am, said the employee, today is Saturday.
The Sunday paper is not delivered until Sunday.

There was quite a pause on the other end of the phone,
followed by a ray of recognition.

"I'll bet that's why no one was in church today too."



SPANISH WORDS OF THE DAY
- -

MUSHROOM
When all my family gets in the car, there's not mushroom.

CHICKEN
My girl wanted me to go to the store, but chicken go by herself.

JULY
You told me you were goin' to the store and July to me! Julyer!

WAFER
I wanted to go with my mom to the flea market
but she didn't wafer me!

HERPES
I have some cake to share with my wife,
this is my piece this is herpes.

TISSUE
I told you if you didn't know how to do it, I could tissue.

CASHEW
I was running after you but I couldn't cashew!

JUICY
Hey, I'm going to eat Paco's food, tell me if juicy him!

"My choice early in  life, was either to be a piano player in a whorehouse or a politician. And to  tell the truth, 
there's hardly any difference. I, for one, believe 
the piano player job to be much more
honorable than current politicians."

<>

"It  doesn't matter how big a ranch ya' own, or how many cows
ya' brand, the size of your funeral is still gonna depend
on the weather."

                                                                                       Harry S.  Truman



40 Things a MAN Should KNOW
By Age 40
- -
1. The difference between love and lust.
2. How to change a tire, a diaper, and a woman's mind.
3. When to hold on and when to let go.
4. Your capacity for intimacy and alcohol.
5. Basic carpentry, plumbing and automotive repair.
6. Advanced foreplay.
7. At least one woman other than their mother.
whose love for them is substantial and enduring.
8. Trouble when he sees it.
9. True love when he feels it.
10. A load of bull when he hears it.
11. The symptoms of PMS and how to deal with them.
12. His strengths and weaknesses.
13. How to fast-talk and slow-dance.
14. The art of seduction.
15. That his wife (lover, girlfriend) is not his mother.
16. A woman's erogenous zones.
17. How to negotiate the inevitable compromises of  romantic.
relationship in ways that keep both sides as happy as possible.
18. What he wants out of life and how to go after it.
19. Which medical tests he needs and when to get them.
20. How to make money, dinner, conversation and love.
21. His own needs and another person's ability to fulfill them.
22. How to start a fire-in the hearth and the heart.
23. A realistic plan to secure his retirement.
24. An idealistic plan to secure his grandchildren's future.
25. How to unhook a bra with one hand-in the dark.
26. Where to get breakfast/gas/a prescription filled at 2 am.
27. How to give a toast and take a compliment.
28. How to be gracious in victory and defeat.
29. When to talk and when to listen.
30. At least one true friend who will be there whenever he calls.
31. The fundamental workings of the female psyche.
32. The Ten Commandments.
33. The importance of trying to follow them.
34. His way around a kitchen.
35. The futility of unrequited love.
36. The ecstasy of unconditional love.
37. How to open a bottle of champagne.
38. How to negotiate.
39. How to close a deal.
40. The magic of a woman.

A survey of United States Senators was conducted to discover 
the most common reasons that Senators get out of bed 
in the middle of the night:
 
10% said it was to get a glass of water.
 
25% said it was to take a leak.
 
65% said it was to go home.



GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back.
They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a dust-buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

<>

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

<>

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do
while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation
from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers
but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

Fresh out of business school, a young man
answers a want ad for an accountant.
 
Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who
ran a small business that he had started himself.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man says.
But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the accountant says.

"Young man, I worry about a lot of things," the man says,
"But I don't want to have to worry about money.
Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," replies the accountant.
"And how much does this position pay?"

"Well, I'll start you off at eighty thousand,
and we'll work from there."

"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed.
"Just how can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"THAT," the owner says, "is your first worry!"



A colleague was planning a trip to my business office and asked me
to find him a hotel with exercise facilities.
 
I called all around town and wasn't having any luck.
 
Finally I thought I had found one.
 
I asked the receptionist if they had a weight room. Her reply?

"No, but we have a lobby. You can wait there."

(Must have been a blonde)

Oral Sex Survey

250,000 Jewish men were asked to complete a survey
on what they liked best about Oral Sex:

3% liked the warmth

4% enjoyed the sensation

93% appreciated the silence!



An 84 yr old man got up and put on his coat.
 
His wife says ' Where are you going?'

He said 'I am going to the doctor'

She said ' are you sick?'

He said 'No. I'm going to get me
some of those new viagra pills'

So his wife gets out of her rocker and puts on her coat.

He said 'Where are you going?'

She said 'I'm going to the doctor too.'

He said 'why?'

She said 'If you're gonna start using that rusty old thing,
I'm gonna get a tetanus shot'

More Than She Could Handle!

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding
where the groom was 95 years old and the bride was just 23.

The groom looked pretty feeble and some were worried about him
since his young bride was a healthy, vivacious woman.

But next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly,
step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally
managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.

The clerk looked concerned.
"Whatever happened to you, dear?
You look like you've been wrestling an alligator."

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak.
"Oh, goodness," she said. "When he told me he'd been saving
up for 75 years, I thought he meant his money!"

                 

With The Continuing Hope that
Happier Days Are Ahead For The World,
we all should be thinking ahead to November.
Keep Informed. Learn the Candidates and their
 positions on the important issues of the day.
 Then, VOTE your conscience with a Sensitive Regard
to Fairness and Justice. That is the very least demanded 
and deserved of us in these critical times. Indeed, at stake  
is the future of our Nation  !

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, 
the world will know peace."
                                                              Jimi Hendrix

" WOW "

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