The Rabbi Rebuffed

A Rabbi's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before
the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the
Rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After six children,
this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to
hold another meeting to discuss the Rabbi's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much
the Rabbi's additional children were costing the shul, and
how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the Rabbi
rose from his chair and spoke,

'Children are a gift from God and we will take as many
gifts as He gives us. Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back of the shul, little old Mrs. Goldberg struggled to stand,
and finally said in her frail voice,
'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it,
we wear rubbers.'

The entire congregation said, 'Amen!'




MY LIVING WILL

Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her,

'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine
and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality
of life at all. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch.



Questions and Answers from
The American Association Of Retired People

Q: Where can men over the age 
of 60 find younger, sexy 
women who are interested 
in them?

A: Try a bookstore, under fiction.

*

Q: What can a man do while his 
wife is going through 
menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with 
tools, you can finish the basement. 
When you're done you'll have a 
place to live.





Q: Someone has told me that 
menopause is mentioned in 
the bible. Is that true? 
Where can it be  found?

A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass 
all the way to  Egypt .."

*

Q: How can you increase the 
heart rate of your 60-plus 
year old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.

*

Q: How can you avoid that 
terrible curse of the elderly 
wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses.

*

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet
and all those wrinkles on my face?

A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

*

Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

*

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with  
short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep More soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

*

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?

A: On their foreheads.

*

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds
when they enter  antique stores?

A: "Gosh, I remember these!"


SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor, RIGHT?






When U Black, U Black 

 When I was born, I was BLACK ,
When I grew up, I was BLACK ,
When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK,
When I got cold, I was BLACK ,
When I was scared, I was BLACK ,
When I was sick, I was BLACK ,
And when I die, I'll still be BLACK .
               NOW, You 'white' folks....

When you're born, you're PINK,
When you grow-up, you're  WHITE,
When you go in the sun, you get RED,
When you're cold, you turn BLUE,
When you're scared, you're YELLOW,
When you get sick, you're GREEN
When you bruise, you turn PURPLE ,
And when you die, you look GRAY.
So who y'all be callin'
COLORED Folks?



Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence but....

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates   parts of Asia.
2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing.
2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs around the globe.

Has any one else noticed this? 
It gets worse........ next year......

2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?         

"You guys are all alike !!!"

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far
and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought
a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store
and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.. However,
struggling outside the store he now had a problem -
how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached 
by a little old lady who told him she was lost.. She asked,
'Can you tell me how to get to  1603 Mockingbird Lane  ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is 
very close to that house
I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of 
paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, 
put a chicken under each arm and carry 
the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded 
to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go 
down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said,
'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. 
How do I know that when we get in the alley 
you won't hold me up against the wall, pull
 up my skirt, and have your way with me?' 

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, 
a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. 
How in the world could I possibly hold you
up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him 
with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, 
and I'll hold the chickens.'





A strawberry blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally
cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass.
 
She rushed her cat, along with the tail, over to WAL-MART!
 
Why WAL-MART??
 
HELLOOOOOOOOO!
 
WALMART is the largest re-tailer in the world!!!

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice
in Antarctica- where do they go?
                                  
Wonder no more!!!

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird
which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life,
as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family
and social circle have been known to dig holes in  the ice, using their
vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough
for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave 
and sing:
       
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

Creative Puns for Educated Minds 

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was --
--Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, --
--but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. 

3.. She was only a whisky maker, --
--but he loved her still. 

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class --
--because it was a weapon of math disruption. 

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder --
--and got a little behind in his work. 

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, --
--it'll still be stationery. 

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road --
--and was cited for littering. 

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France --
--would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 

9. Two silk worms had a race. --
--They ended up in a tie. 

10. Time flies like an arrow. --
--Fruit flies like a banana.. 

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. --
--The police are looking into it. 

12. Atheism --
--is a non-prophet organization. 

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. --
--One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.' 

14. I wondered why the cricket ball kept getting bigger.--
-- Then, it hit me. 

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said, --
--'Keep off the Grass.' 

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.-- 
-- His grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.' 

17. A chicken crossing the road --
--is poultry in motion. 

18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison --
--was a small medium at large. 

19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray --
--is now a seasoned veteran. 

20. A backward poet --
--writes inverse. 

21. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. --
--In feudalism, it's your count that votes. 

22. When cannibals ate a missionary, --
--they got a taste of religion.. 

23. Don't join dangerous cults: --
--Practice safe sects !



Here are some great ways of dealing with
the burdens of life:

* Accept that some days you're the pigeon,
and some days you're the statue. 

* Always keep your words soft and sweet,
just in case you have to eat them.

* Always read stuff that will make you look good
if you die in the middle of it. 

* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be
recalled by their Maker.

* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. 

* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again,
it was probably worth it..

* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply be kind to others. 

* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time,
because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

* The second mouse gets the cheese.

* When everything's coming your way,
you're in the wrong lane.

* Birthdays are good for you.
The more you have, the longer you live. 

* You may be only one person in the world,
but you may also be the world to one person.

* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

* We could learn a lot from crayons... Some are sharp,
some are pretty and some are dull. Some have
weird names and all are different colors,
but they all have to live in the same box. 

*A truly happy person is one who can enjoy 
the scenery on a detour.

Have an awesome day and know that someone
has thought about you today...I did.



PLEASE!!!!!!
 
NO MORE POLITICAL EMAILS! 

NO MORE CHAIN EMAILS! 

NO MORE FORWARDED LUCKY EMAILS! 

NO MORE DYING CHILD EMAILS! 

NO MORE WALKING IN ANYONE'S FOOTSTEPS EMAILS! 

NO MORE FUNDRAISING EMAILS! 

What we need is to get back to what email was designed for:...!! 

THERE NOW ... DOESN'T THAT FEEL BETTER ALREADY?!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

Funny Farm Masquerade

There was a costume party at a mental hospital;
the theme of the party was "war".

The first person comes up onto the stage and says,
"I'm an atomic bomb."
He gets his applause and steps down.

The second person comes up and says,
"I'm a hydrogen bomb."
Again, there's applause and he steps down.

And then a naked little man comes up to the stage and says,
"I'm dynamite."
Everybody runs away hysterically.

When one of them is asked why, he says,
"Didn't you see how short his fuse was?"



You might be a redneck if the jack-o'-lantern on your front porch
has more teeth than your spouse.

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