Lady Lynx

 

 

 

and

My wife simply does not understand the business world.
She insists I'm cheating on her, despite my clear explanation
that I'm simply out-sourcing the sexual component of her job
description to free her up for other projects.



I'm Catholic. My mother and I were unpacking
and she found my diaphragm.

I had to tell her it was a bathing cap for my cat.

An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for his two lawyers
to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up
to his room. As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands
and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.

The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled,
and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.
Both lawyers were touched and flattered that the old man would
ask them to be with him during his final moments.
They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given
any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the one lawyer asked, "Pastor, why did you ask
the two of us to come here?"

The old pastor mustered all his strength, then said weakly,
"Jesus died between two thieves,
and that's how I want to go.

PERKS OF BEING OVER 50
- -
-Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
-In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
-No one expects you to run -- anywhere.
-People call at 9 pm and ask, "Did I wake you?"
-People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
-There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
-Things you buy now won't wear out.
-You can eat dinner at 4 pm.
-You can live without sex but not your glasses.
-You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
-You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
-You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
-You quit trying to hold your stomach in
no matter who walks into the room.
-You sing along with elevator music.
-Your eyes won't get much worse.
-Your investment in health insurance
is finally beginning to pay off.
-Your joints are more accurate meteorologists
than the national weather service.
-Your secrets are safe with your friends
because they can't remember them.
-Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

CLICK   BUD SQUIRT
http://www.friday-fun.com/showvideo.shtml?
clip=bud-squirt.wmv&width=480&height=400&clipname=Bud Squirt

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Black Eye Treatment

For years the conventional wisdom has been that the best treatment
for a black eye is to put a piece of raw meat on it.
Scientific studies have proven that while the raw meat helps
reduce the swelling and aids in the healing process,
using a cold steak actually delays the recovery of
broken blood vessels that cause the black and
blue marks around the eyes.

These same studies have shown that application of warm, soft,
and tender meat is the most effective in helping the eyes to recover
from the damage.

So, the next time you get a black eye, here's how to treat it...
  




 Alex walked into his dad's study
while his dad was working on the computer.

"Dad," said Alex, "Remember when you told me you'd
give me twenty- five dollars if I passed my science test?"

Dad nodded.

"Well, the good news is that
I just saved you twenty-five bucks."



A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat
reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prize possession
even to the grocery store which was a few blocks
rom the house. After she insisted, he finally relented,
cautioning her as she departed,

"Remember, if you have an accident,
the newspaper will print your age."

Jill was using a power strip to plug
her computer and other devices into.
Windows was completely frozen,
and she was unable to shut down
the machine by using the power button.

She phoned for computer help and mentioned
the power strip to tech support.  The tech told her to flip it off.

Jill said, "Ok, I gave it the finger. I feel much better. 
Now what do I do?"



Try to avoid people who are really nice to you.
Sooner or later,
you know they are going to ask you for a favor.





Like a lot of husbands throughout history,
Webster would sit down and try to talk to his wife.
But as soon as he would start to say something,
his wife said...

"And just what the hell is that supposed to mean??

Thus, Webster's Dictionary was born!



Men never listen

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts
to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament. Sir, she said " You may use the ladies
room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons
he had  promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP,
and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW..........
warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men restrooms
don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button.
Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button.
A large powder puff caressed his bottom
adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure..
The ladies restroom was more than a restroom,
it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure,
he couldn't wait to push the ATR button
which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes,
he was in a hospital bed, and
a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember
was pushing the ATR  button. 
 
"The ATR button is an Automatic Tampon Remover.
Your penis is under your pillow."

"I see an erection maybe late August, early September."



During one of our biology classes at the University of Pennsylvania,
a loud buzzing sound started coming through an air vent.
Obviously distracted by the noise, our professor stopped talking
every few minutes and looked up at the vent. Finally he asked,

"Is that noise annoying you as much as me?"

"Oh, no," replied a student from the back of the room,
"you're not that bad."

An old Indian was asked what his wife's name was.

"Wife Name  Three Horses  -  nag, nag, nag

Daylight Saving Time Ends
Sunday, October 29th

FIVE REASONS WHY NEW YORK IS QUIET ON SUNDAYS

1. Jews are all visiting relatives on Long Island.  
         
2. The Italians are putting flowers on graves.  
       
3. The Irish are all sleeping off hangovers.      
 
4.. The Puerto Ricans can't get their cars started.  
       
5.. The Poles think it is Tuesday.

 


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A patriot must always be ready
to defend his country against his government.

HONOR OUR TROOPS; DEMAND THE TRUTH

"What we need is a search for intelligent life on THIS planet."

Click here and then on the fists
RELIEVE YOUR STRESS..lol.
http://www.toddalbert.com/files/images/bushsmack.swf

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  and BRING THEM HOME, 
  NOW . . . ALIVE! 

 

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BARNEGAT, NEW JERSEY
On The Jersey Shore