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HAPPY HALLOWEEN

SILLY and old JOKES

Two employees for the gas company were at a house call.
The younger man said to the older one,

"Geez, you're old!"

"Yeah, that may be so, but I can still outrun you,"
replied the older employee.

"How about a foot race to see if you're right,"
said the younger employee.

With that they start running at full speed around that block.
The older man kept up with the younger man around the first corner,
the second corner, the third corner. As they come up on the last corner,
the younger man sees an elderly woman running as fast as her legs
could carry her. Puzzled by this, they both stop ask her
why she was running behind them.
The old woman caught her breath and said,
"Well, you were at my home checking my gas meter,
and when I saw you running away, I figured I'd better run too!"

 
 
There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was disturbed by some
local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat
watermelons. After some careful thought he came up with a clever
idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.
So he made up the sign and posted it in the field.
The next day the kids show up and they see this sign, it says

"Warning!! One of the watermelons in this field
has been injected with cyanide."

So the kids run off, make up their own sign and post it next to the sign
that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next week and
when he looks over the field he notices that no watermelons
are missing but he notices a new sign next to his.
He drives up to the sign which read:

"Now there are TWO".

An agriculture student said to a farmer:
"Your methods are too old fashioned. I won't be surprised
if this tree will give you less than twenty pounds of apples."

"I won't be surprised either," said the farmer,
"this is an orange tree".

 

A farm boy was drafted. On his first furlough, his Father
asked him what he thought of Army life.

"It's pretty good Pa. The food's not bad, the work's easy
but best of all, they let ya sleep real late in the morning."

A policeman stopped a woman driver and says:
"When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least."

"You're wrong, officer,
it's only my hat that makes me look that old."

 

A man was recently flying to New York. He decided to strike up
a conversation with his seat mate.
"I've got a great policeman joke. Would you like to hear it?"

"Sure but first I should let you know  that I am a policeman."

"That's OK. I'll tell it really slow!"

 

A man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman,
"Can I park here?"

"No," says the cop.

"What about all these other cars?"

"They didn't ask!"

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks.
Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases 
and started to eat. The waiter became quite concerned 
and marched over and told them,

"You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their
shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

 

Diner: "Watch out! Your thumbs in my soup!"

Waiter: "Don't worry, Sir, it's not that hot!"

 

A waiter brings a customer the steak he ordered.
He has his thumb on top of the meat.
"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer,
"You have your thumb on my steak?"

"What" answers the waiter,
"You want it to fall on the floor again?"

 

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.
While chatting with the bartender the man says:

"I have a method that will enable you to double the
amount of beer you sell every day."

"Really?!" says the bartender, "How?"

"Very simple. Just pour full glasses.

 

Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too - and be sure the glass is clean!"
                 (Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"

 

Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
Um, looks to me to be backstroke, sir...
-
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Don't worry sir, the spider on the bread roll will get 'em.
-
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
No sir, that's a cockroach, the fly is on your steak.
-
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Keep it down sir, or they'll all be wanting one.
-
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Its OK, Sir, there's no extra charge!
-
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Force of habit, sir. Our chef used to be a tailor.
-
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Couldn't be, sir. The cook used them all in the raisin bread.
-
Waiter, there is a fly in my soup!
I know, but unfortunately we are out of turtle.
-
Waiter, there is a fly in my soup!
Sorry sir, maybe I've forgotten it when I removed the other three.
-
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Surely not, sir. It must be one of those vitamin bees
you hear so much about.
-
Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup!
Then we've served you too much soup,
the fly should be wading.
-
Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!
Yes sir, it's the hot water that kills them.
-
Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!
What do you expect for $1 - a live one?
-
Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
It's fly soup sir!
-
Waiter, waiter, there's a bee in my soup.
Yes Sir, it's the fly's day off.

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice
willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith immediately
began his instructions to the lad,

"When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil;
and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer."

The apprentice did just as he told.
Now he's the village blacksmith.

"Frankly, Gladys, you were one of the things I
didn't want to take with me!"



"I've just had the most awful time," said a boy to his friends.
"First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as
I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics,
and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy."

"Wow! How did you pull through?" sympathized his friends.

"I don't know," the boy replied.

"Toughest spelling test I ever had."

  

Why is abbreviated such a long word?
Why does monosyllabic have five syllables?
Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
Why do they call it a building? It looks like they're finished. 
Why isn't it a built?
Why is it when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment,
but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
If price and worth mean the same thing, why are
priceless and worthless opposites?
Is there another word for synonym?
Is it possible to be totally partial?

  

Two Choices

What would you do?....you make the choice. Don't
look for a punch line, there isn't one. Read it anyway. My question is:
Would you have made the same choice?

At a fund-raising dinner for a school that serves
learning-disabled children, the father of one of the students delivered a
speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the
school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question: 'When not interfered
with by outside influences, everything nature does is done with perfection. Yet
my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand
things as other children do. Where is the natural order of things in my son?'

The audience was stilled by the query.

The father continued. 'I believe that when a child
like Shay, physically and mentally handicapped comes into the world, an
opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the
way other people treat that child.'

Then he told the following story:

Shay and his father had walked past a park where
some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, 'Do you think they'll
let me play?' Shay's father knew that most of the boys would not want someone
like Shay on their team, but the father also understood that if his son were
allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some
confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.

Shay's father approached one of the boys on the
field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play.
The boy looked around for guidance and said,
'We're losing by six runs and the game is in the
eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team
and we'll try to put him in to bat in the
ninth inning.'

Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with
a broad smile, put on a team shirt. His Father watched with a small tear in his
eye and warmth in his heart. The boys saw the father's joy at his son being
accepted. In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but
was still behind by three. In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove
and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was
obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear
to ear as his father waved to him from the stands. In the bottom of the ninth
inning, Shay's team scored again. Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the
potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.

At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game?
Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible
because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly,
much less connect with the ball.

However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team
was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps
to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact.
The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and
missed. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly
towards Shay. As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow
ground ball right back to the pitcher.

The game would now be over. The pitcher picked up
the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman.
Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.

Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the
first baseman's head! - out of reach of all team mates. Everyone from the
stands and both teams started yelling, 'Shay, run to first! Run to first!'
Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base.
He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.

Everyone yelled, 'Run to second, run to second!'
Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling
to make it to the base. By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right
fielder had the ball ... the smallest guy on their team who now had his first
chance to be the hero for his team. He could have thrown the ball to the
second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions so he,
too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head.
Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him
circled the bases toward home.

All were screaming, 'Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay'

Shay reached third base because the opposing short stop ran to help him
by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted,
'Run to third! Shay, run to third!'

As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams,
and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, 'Shay, run home! Run home!'
Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the
grand slam and won the game for his team.

'That day', said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face,
the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true
love and humanity into this world'.

Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter,
having never forgotten being the hero and making his father so
happy, and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace
her little hero of the day!


AND NOW A LITTLE FOOTNOTE TO THIS STORY: We all
send thousands of jokes through the e-mail without a second thought, but when
it comes to sending messages about life choices, people hesitate. The crude,
vulgar, and often obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion
about decency is too often suppressed in our schools and workplaces.

If you're thinking about forwarding this message,
chances are that you're probably sorting out the people in your address book
who aren't the 'appropriate' ones to receive this type of message. Well, the
person who sent you this believes that we all can make a difference. We all
have thousands of opportunities every single day to help realize the 'natural
order of things.' So many seemingly trivial interactions between two people
present us with a choice: Do we pass along a little spark of love and humanity
or do we pass up those opportunities and leave the world
little bit colder in the process?

A wise man once said every society is judged by
how it treats it's least fortunate amongst them.

You now have two choices:

1. Delete
2. Forward

May your day, be a Shay Day.


Janel H. Grout
Guidance Department
Lake Worth High School
1701 Lake Worth Road
Lake Worth, Fl. 33460
561-493-0865

We All Continue To Hope That
Happier Days Are Ahead For The World
Now lets think ahead to '08.
Keep Informed, then
Vote your conscience with a
Sensitive Regard for Fairness and Justice.

AND 
BRING THEM HOME,
NOW . . . ALIVE!

 

 

 

 

" WOW "

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