Many thanks to all and special thanks to
  AngOBri,  Trish, Tootsie, IrockBlue, Terrygray11,
Heartlast, Philalakes,
for contributing to the content of today's page.

"Start every day off with a smile - and get it over with!"
We can't control the wind, but we can adjust our sails.

Tinkle
 
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street
when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three
times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK.
The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in
because it was too risky to operate. She gave
birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into
the room in tears.

'What's wrong?' asked the mother.
'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet
came out,' replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained
what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into
the room in tears.
'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet ! came out.'

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained
what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears.
'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened.
You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'

'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself
and I shot the dog.'

Two Italians, Luigi and Antonio, met on the street.

"Hey, Antonio," said Luigi, "where-a you-a been for-a da
past-a two weeks? No-a one-a seen-a you around."

"Donna talka to me, Luigi," replied Antonio. "I been-a
inna da jail."

"Jail!" exclaimed Luigi. "What for you been-a in jail?"

"Wella, Luigi," Antonio said, "I was lying onna da
beach, anna da cops come, arresta me and atrow me
inna jail!"

"But dey donna trow you in jail-a just for lying onna da
beach!" Luigi countered.

"Yeah, but dissa beach was ascreamin' and akickin' and
a yellin'. . . "



Barack Obama was out jogging one morning along
the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing
and landed in the creek below.
 
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him,
3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water.
He was so grateful he offered the kids
whatever they wanted.
 
The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disneyland '
 
Barack said, 'No problem, I'll take you there
on my special Senator's airplane.
 
The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of
Nike Air Jordan shoes.
 
Barack said, 'I'll get them for you and even have
Michael Jordan sign them!'
 
The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair
with a built in TV and stereo headset!'
 
Barack was a little perplexed by this and said,
'But you don't look like you're handicapped.'
 
The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out
I saved your ass from drowning!'

The highly religious young man entered his wedding chamber
and was shocked to find his new young bride awaiting him,
spread-eagle and naked on their bed.

"My dear!" he exclaimed, "I expected to find you
beside our bed and on your knees!"

"OK," she said, obediently changing positions,
"but I always get the hiccups when I fuck in that position."

Life is too short to wake up with regrets.
So love the people who treat you right.
Forget about the one's who don't.

Believe everything happens for a reason.
If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands.
If it changes your life, let it.

Nobody said life would be easy,
they just promised it would be worth it.



Due to the Climate of Political Correctness
now Pervading America . . .

Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians
will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."
You must now refer to them as
  "APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS." 
  
And furthermore

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN
AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a
  "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not "EASY" - She is
  "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a
  "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR
OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a
  "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

5. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes
  "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a
  "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN
AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a
"LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is
  "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He
"INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in
  "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of
"RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's
"REAR CLEAVAGE."  

  How can you tell if your girlfriend is frigid?  

  When you open her legs a light goes on!
baah-daah boom!



Money Isn't Everything

It can buy a bed - but not sleep
It can buy a clock - but not time
It can buy a book - but not knowledge
It can buy you a position - but not respect
It can buy you medicine - but not health
It can buy you blood - but  not life
I can buy you sex - but not love
So you see, money isn't everything, and it often
causes pain and suffering. I tell you this because I
am your friend, and as your friend, I want to take away
your pain and suffering . . .
So send me all your money and I will suffer for you !



One night, a horny old geezer decides to get himself a hooker. Since  
the man doesn't have much money, he looks for the cheapest 
whore in  the nearest Red Light District. A short while later,
he finds what he's looking for and spends $10 on her.

The next morning, the guy wakes up and discovers he has crabs.

He gets dressed and  heads down to where he had been
the night before and notices the same hooker on the
street corner. He marches over to her and says, 
*"Hey,  lady, you gave me crabs!" 

The hooker replies, "Hey, old man, what did  
you expect for $10? Lobster?"

or

. . . and notices the same hooker on the street corner.
He marches over to her and says, 
*"Hey Lady, what are you selling today . . . CANCER?"

Sex in San Francisco

A San Franciscan was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
 
After having great sex, she spent the next hour just stroking his penis, 
something she seemed to love doing.
 
'Enjoying it'?, he turned and asked her,
'Why do you love doing that?'
 
She replied, 'Because I really miss mine.'



Our first day at a resort, my wife and I decided to hit the beach.
When I went back to our room to get something to drink,
one of the hotel maids was making our bed.
I grabbed my cooler and was on my way
back out when I stopped at the door
and asked,
"Can we drink beer on the beach?"

"Sure," the maid replied, "but I have to finish the rest
of the rooms  first."







Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their uncle,
who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him
at sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and
the two blondes kept their promise.
 
They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up
in a burial  bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
 
After a while Bubbles says,
you think we're out far enough, Barbie?'
 
Barbie slipped over the side and finding
the water only knee deep said,
'Nope, not yet Bubbles'.
 
 So they row a little farther...Again, Bubbles asks Barbie,
'Do you think were out far enough now?'
 
Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says,
'No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest.'
 
So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie
slips over the side and disappears.
 
 Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles
is  really getting worried when suddenly
 
Barbie breaks the surface gasping for breath.
 
'Well is it deep enough yet, Sis?'
         
'Yes, finally.  Hand me the shovel.'



What Good Friends Do

I can't imagine how I'd feel, 
If I didn't have a good friend. 
Loneliness would engulf me. 
Misery would be without end. 

We've had disagreements 
Like friends sometimes do, 
But we've never held grudges, 
Instead our friendship grew. 

Always respecting your friend 
Is the best advice I can give. 
Always do this and you'll have 
A friend as long as you live. 

Ralph L. Clark ©

With The Continuing Hope that
Happier Days Are Ahead For The World,
we all should be thinking ahead to November.
Keep Informed. Learn the Candidates and their
 positions on the important issues of the day.
 Then, VOTE your conscience with a Sensitive Regard
to Fairness and Justice. That is the very least demanded 
and deserved of us in these critical times. Indeed, at stake  
is the future of our Nation  !

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, 
the world will know peace."
                                                              Jimi Hendrix

" WOW "

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