LOVE 

A man was sitting on the settee watching TV when he heard 
his wife's voice from the kitchen. 

 "What would you like for dinner Love ? 
Chicken, beef or lamb ?" 

 He said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken." 

 "Shut up. You're having soup. 
I was talking to the cat."



A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spent the next hour just 
rubbing his testicles -- something she loved to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
"Why do you love doing that?"

Because, she replied, "I miss mine."

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it  ? ? ? 

A traveling salesman drove into a small town 
where a circus was playing. 
A sign read: 
"Don't Miss The Amazing Jew." 
 
Intrigued, the salesman bought a ticket 
and sat down to see the show.

There, in the center ring under The Big Top, was a table 
with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old 
Jewish gentleman wearing a name tag 
with the name, 'Morty,' written on it. 
After the applause died down, Morty dropped his pants,
whipped out the biggest schvantz he'd ever seen and he prceeded to smash all the walnuts with three mighty swings! 
 
The crowd erupted in applause and the old man was carried off on their shoulders to the tune of Hava Nagila. 
 
Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, 
found the same circus set up and the same sign, 
although it was now rather faded, 
"Don't Miss The Amazing Jew." 

He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive 
much less still doing his act!
But, he had to find out so he bought a ticket. 
This time, however, instead of walnuts, 
there were three coconuts on the table
with Morty standing once again before them. 
The drum rolled, Morty dropped his pants 
and smashed the coconuts with three 
mighty swings of his amazing member .
As before, the crowd went wild! 
 
Amazed, the salesman requested 
a meeting with Morty after the show. 

"You're incredible," he said to Morty,
 but tell me something. When I saw your act 
15 years ago, you were using walnuts. 
Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?" 
 
"Vell, I tell ya sompin, mista," said Morty, 
"my eyes chust ain't vat dey used to be!"

 

Banana Going Bad

Children - Writing About the Ocean 
><
1)  - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.  
(Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. 
If you don' have ocean all round you, you are incontinent.  (Michael, age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, 
just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top 
of its head. (Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men 
and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs.  
(Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to 
cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow
the sailors would whistle to make the wind come.  
My brother said they would have been
better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) -  Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really?   (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother 
is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom,
and my big sister has just got pregnant, so
 I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous.  Jellyfish can sting. Electric 
eelscan give you a shock.  They have to live in caves 
under the sea where I think they have to 
plug themselves in to chargers. 
(Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, 
and it makes my willy small.  (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. 
Divers can't go down alone, so they have to 
go down on each other.  (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. 
She fell off when she was going very fast.  
She says she won't do it again because 
water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)

14)  - The ocean is made up of water and fish.  
Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. 
He knows all about the ocean.
What he doesn't know is why he quit being 
a sailor and married my mom.   (James, age 7)



Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending 
the night together in a hotel room and Donald 
wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, 
'Do you have a condom?'

Donald frowned and said, 'No.'

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom,
they could not have sex.

'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby 
and asked the hotel clerk 
if they had condoms. 

 'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled a box out 
from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, 
'Would you like me to put them on your bill?

'No!'  Donald quacked, 
'I'll thuffocate.'



Charlie never missed a day's work, 
but one day he didn't show up. 
The next day the boss grabbed him: 
"Where did you get to yesterday, Charlie?" 

 "Sorry, boss, I had to have a day off because 
the wife got burned."

      "Oh my goodness Charlie!  I hope it wasn't too serious."

      "Well, boss, they sure don't mess around
down at that crematorium."

Mothers always know what to say.

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. 

He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, 
'Mom, I have something to tell you... I'm gay.' 

His mother made no reply or gave any response and the son 
was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when 
she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly,

'You're gay... doesn't that mean you have oral sex 
with other men?' 

The son said nervously, 'Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right.' 

His mother went back to stirring the pot,
 then suddenly whirled around and WHACKED
 him over the head with her spoon and said... 

Don't you EVER complain about the taste of 
my cooking again!!!'

 

Early Sign He's Gay

 

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, 
what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch 
on a warm spring evening,   when a young man comes 
creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since 
my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. 
I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
 What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that
I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
"Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' 
And that's when I shot him, the little bastard."



A Russian and a Norwegian wrestler (just happened to be
named Ole) were set to square off for 
the Olympic Gold medal.

Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach
came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the
research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost
a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has.

"Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that
hold! If he does, you're finished."
Ole nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each
other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden,
the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up 
in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from
the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he
knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the
crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch
the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat
with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him 
making the pin and winning the match.

The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked,
"How did you ever get out of that hold? 
No one has ever done it before!"

Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he
got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes
and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face. I
had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength
I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies 
just as hard as I could."

So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what
finished him off!"

"Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong
you get ven you bite your own nuts!"

On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists 
were driving through Wales. At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllanty 
they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists 
asked the waitress, 

'Before we order, I wonder if you could settle 
an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, 
very, very, very slowly?' 

The girl leaned over and said, 'Burrr … gurrr … king' 

 

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