The backwards hillbilly girl walked into the drugstore to buy tampons for the 
first time.  After looking at shelf upon shelf of feminine hygiene products, 
she timidly approached the pharmacist with her dilemma.  

"I'm confused by all these different brands and sizes," she 
confessed, "don't know which ones to buy."

       "I see," said the pharmacist.  "Tell me, what's your flow like?" 

       Puzzled, the girl replied, "It's linoleum, why?" 

 

 Traffic camera

A man  was driving when a traffic camera flashed.  
He  thought his picture was taken for exceeding the
speed limit, even though he  knew he was not speeding.

 Just to  be sure, he went around the block 
and passed the same spot, driving even  more slowly,
 but again the camera flashed.

 He  thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down
 even further as he drove  past the area, but the
traffic camera flashed again.

 He  tried a fourth time with the same result.

 The  fifth time he was laughing when the camera 
flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.

 Two  weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in 
the mail for driving without a seat belt.

 **And they  say BLONDE'S are  dumb......**

  

       The old couple is ready to go to sleep, so the old man lies on the bed, 
but the old woman lies on the floor.

       The old man asks, "Why are you going to sleep on the floor?"

       The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard next to me
for a change."

 


Did you ever wonder why you never see dead penguins 
on the ice in Antarctica? 
      
 Ever wonder where they go?  Wonder no more. 
  
 It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird 
which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. 
  
 The penguins have a very strong community bond. 
 They are very committed to their family and will mate for life. 
They also maintain a form of compassionate contact 
with their offspring throughout its life. 

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family 
and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough 
for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
  
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the freshly dug grave 
and sing..... "freeze a jolly good fellow." ....
 

 I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized 
I desperately needed to fart.  The music was really, 
really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.
  
 After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.   
I finished my pint and noticed that 
everybody was staring at me.
  
 Then I suddenly remembered 
that I was listening to my iPod.

 

Two old friends were talking.
"My 70th birthday was yesterday. 
The wife gave me an SUV". 

Other guy responded: 
"Wow, that*s amazing!!..... 
Imagine, an SUV!!.. 
What a great gift!" 

First guy: 
"Yup !!.... 
Socks, Underwear and Viagra!" 

For those who never saw any of the Burma Shave signs, 
here is a quick lesson in our history of the 
1930's, '40's and '50's.  
Before there were interstates, when everyone drove 
the old 2 lane roads, 
Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside 
in farmers' fields. and beside the road.   They were small 
red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 
100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet......
and the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, 
a popular shaving cream.  Those signs broke some 
of the monotony.  Here are more of the actual signs:

DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW
OUT SO FAR
IT MAY GO HOME
IN ANOTHER CAR.
Burma Shave

TRAINS DON'T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
'CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP
Burma Shave

SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKE
Burma Shave

DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
Burma Shave

DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING
Burma Shave

BROTHER SPEEDER
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING , NURSE
Burma Shave

CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND A LITTLE MORE STEER
Burma Shave

SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS HOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
Burma Shave

THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
HEMISPHERE
Burma Shave

AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT?
Burma Shave

NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
Burma Shave

A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN'
Burma Shave

AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY
Burma Shave

BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE
Burma Shave

THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING  
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
Burma Shave

CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.
Burma Shave

PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW
Burma Shave

Do these bring back any old memories?
If not, you're merely a child. If they do,  
then you're old as dirt...

A Tough Old Cowboy 
A tough old cowboy told his grandson that if he wanted 
to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of 
gun powder on his oatmeal every morning. 

The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103. 
When he died, he left 14 children, 30 grand-children, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great grandchildren, 
and a 15 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.



Earl and Bubba are quietly fishing, chewing and 
drinking beer, when Bubba says,
"I think I'm gonna divorce my wife - 
she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits, sips his beer and says, 
"Better think it over...
.......women like that are hard to find."

WHEN SHOPPING CHECK THE LABELS
 Buy American