It was the worst rainstorm of the century.  Half the 
valley was gone!  Agitated, a man called the rescue hotline.

       "Help me!  I'm standing in two feet of water!"

       The operator at the hotline said, 
"That's not exactly a flood emergency around here."

       The man said, "No?  I'm calling from the fourth floor!"



Confession 

An elderly man walks into a confessional. 
The following conversation ensues: 

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, 
many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. 
Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. 
We went to a motel, where I had sex 
with each of them three times.' 

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?' 

Man: 'What sins?' 

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?' 

Man: 'I'm Jewish.' 

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?' 

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody!

An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town.
The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked.

As they went along they passed some people
who remarked it was a shame the old man
was walking and the boy was riding. 

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right,
so they changed positions. 

Then, later, they passed some people who remarked,
‘What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.’ 

So they then decided they’d both walk! 

Soon they passed some more people who thought
they were stupid to walk when they had a
decent donkey to ride. 

So, they both rode the donkey. 

Now they passed some people 

Who shamed them by saying how awful to
Put such a load on a poor donkey. 

The boy and man figured they were probably right, 

So they decide to carry the donkey. 

As they crossed the bridge, 

They lost their grip on the animal
and he fell into the river and drowned. 

The moral of the story? 

If you try to please everyone,
you might as well.. 

kiss your ass goodbye! 

Have A Nice Day and be
careful With 'Your' Donkey!!

 

 

 The second-grade class had gone to lunch and the restroom 
and returned to class.   The teacher did not see Johnnie.  

She asked, "Where's Johnnie?"

       One of the students replied, "He's in the bathroom, 
lying on the floor."

       She asked, "Why is he doing that?"

       The child said, "I don't know.  He's been like that since 
he stuck the scissors in the light socket."

A  new supermarket opened  downtown. It has an
automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. 
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of
distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

    When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing 
and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

    In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal 
grilled steaks with onions.

    When you approach the egg case, you hear hens 
cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the 
pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying....

    The bread department features the tantalizing smell 
of fresh baked bread and cookies.

    I don't buy toilet paper there any more!



Lemon Squeeze 

There once was a religious young woman who went to 
Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 
'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.' 

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad, 
passionate love to me seven times...' 

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze 
seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.' 

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?' 

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face..'

Donation 

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 

'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?' 

'It is!' 

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?' 

'I can!' 

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?' 

'I do!' 

'Is he a member of your congregation?' 

'He is!' 

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?' 

'He will.'

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. 
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. 
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law 
lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music 
was playing, and the aroma of perfume
filled the room. 
 
"What are you doing?!" she asked. 
 
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," 
the daughter-in- law answered. 
 
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. 
 
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. 
 
"Love dress? But you're naked!" 
 
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained."
It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, 
he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours 
on end. He can't get enough of me." 
 
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, 
put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, 
and laid on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. 
 
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her 
laying there so provocatively. 

"What are you doing?" he asked. 
 
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually. 
 
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?" 
 
He never heard the gunshot. 

A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole 
when a second fellow approaches and asks
if he can join him.  The first says that 
he usually plays alone but agrees to 
let the second guy join him. 
 
Both are even after the first couple of holes.  
The second guy says, 

"Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we 
play for five bucks a hole?" 

       The first fellow says that he usually plays alone, and doesn't 
like to bet but agrees to the terms.  Well, the second 
guy wins the rest of the holes.  As they're walking off 
of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, 
he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring 
course and likes to pick on suckers.

       The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local 
Catholic Church.  The second fellow gets all flustered and 
apologetic, offering to give the priest back his money. 

The priest says, "No, no.  You won fair and square 
and I was foolish to bet with you.  
You keep your winnings." 

       The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do
to make it up to you?"

       The priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday 
and make a donation.  Then, if you bring your mother 
and father by, after Mass, I'll marry them for you."

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Lulu was a prostitute. One day there was a raid. 
All the prostitutes were lined up outside 
the police station as they took 
them in one by one.

As Lulu stood in line, she saw her 
Grandma coming down the street 
and was so ashamed as her 
Grandma didn't know her occupation. 

Grandma stopped to say hi, and asked what the line was for. 

Lulu, saving face, said that the police were giving away 
fresh oranges to those waiting.  

Grandma said wonderful, she loved oranges 
and got at the end of the line.  

When the policeman got to the end and saw her, 
he was amazed.  He said 
"How the heck do you do this at your age?"  

She said "I just take out my teeth, rip the skin back 
and suck' em dry!"  

The policeman fainted!

Alzheimer's Test: 
How fast can you guess these words?

1. F_ _K 
2. PU_S_ 
3. S_X   
4. P_N_S   
5. BOO_S 
6. _ _NDOM 

 



 Answers:
 
1. FORK 
2. PULSE 
3. SIX 
4. PANTS 
5. BOOKS 
6. RANDOM 
 You got all 6 wrong....didn't you? 

 

One night, a horny old geezer decides to get himself a hooker.
Since the man doesn't have much money, he looks for 
the cheapest whore in the nearest Red Light District. 
A short while later, he finds what he's looking for 
and spends $10 on her.

The next morning, the old geezer wakes up 
and discovers he has crabs. So, he gets dressed 
and heads down to where he had been the night before.

He notices the same hooker on the street corner,
so he marches over to her and says,
"Hey, lady, you gave me crabs!"

The hooker replies, 
"Hey, old man, what did you expect for $10? Lobster?"



This alligator crawls into this bar........slides up on the bar stool...
and asks the bartender:  

"Hey, do you serve Mexicans in here"? 
 
The bartender replies, "As a matter of fact, we do"! 
 
The alligator says, "Great! Give me one ...
with a side of slaw"! 

 

Idle Thoughts
* *
I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. 
Now I don't know what to feed it.   

I had amnesia once -- or twice.    

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?    

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.    

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.    

If the world were a logical place, 
men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.    

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?    

They told me I was gullible and I believed them. 

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, 
when he grows up, he'll never be able to 
merge his car onto the freeway. 

Experience is the thing you have left when 
everything else is gone    

One nice thing about egotists: 
they don't talk about other people.    

My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.    

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.    

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. 

How can there be self-help "groups"?    

If swimming is so good for your figure, 
how do you explain whales?    

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and 
I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.    

Is it me--or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?



An important politician was seen moving around with a 
film actress for a couple of months, with whom he finally 
decided to plunge into matrimony.
 
But being cautious, he hired a private detective for the job 
of looking into her past and finding out if she had any 
previous affairs with any men.
 
After a few days, the politician at last received his 
detective's report, which went like this:
 
"Sir, this lady has a spotless reputation. Her past is clear, 
her family and friends all come from a very respectable 
background. No one has anything against her character.
 But yes, according to my sources, for the last couple 
of months she's been frequently seen flirting with 
a politician with a dubious reputation."

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and see what you can find that is made in the USA. 
The JOB you SAVE may be your own 
or that of your neighbors!

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"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, 
the world will know peace."
                                                              Jimi Hendrix

 

           

"Tune in again next week when we will
feature another politician who will
'BULLSHIT THE NATION.'"

INVICTUS
Out of the night that covers me, 
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be,
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance,
I have winced but not cried aloud,
Under the bludgeonings of chance,
My head is bloodied but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears,
Looms but the horror of the shade.
And yet the menace of the years,
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.
                                                     William Earnest Henley