Speak softly while others are shouting.

WE ARE ALWAYS LOOKING FOR 
JOKES and CARTOONS
PLEASE SHARE YOUR FAVORITES.
WE WILL INCLUDE THEM
IN FUTURE ISSUES FOR ALL TO ENJOY
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The Woman Marine Pilot

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: 
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral 
at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, 
one by one, began to tell their stories. 

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. 
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left. 

"Janie, do you have a story to share?" 

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a
 Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to 
bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a
flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. 



She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break,
and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
 She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets,
 killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, 
and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands." 

''Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What did your Daddy
 tell you was the moral to this horrible story?" 

"Don't fuck with Mommy when she's been drinking." 

I love these touching stories! 



A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she 
has had no lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately leaps into motion.  
It gallops at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. 
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down 
the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, 
seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse 
and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup 
and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck 
against the ground over and over.

She is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune.... 
Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse!

SOME PUNNIES

1. Energizer Bunny Arrested & Charged with Battery.

2. A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

3. Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.

4. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

5. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

6. Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

7. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

8. Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

9. Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

10. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

11. A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

12. Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana.

13. A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

14. Without geometry, life is pointless.

15. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

16. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

17. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

18. What's the definition of a will?  (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)

19. A backwards poet writes inverse.

20. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

21. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

22. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

23. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

24. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

25. A grenade in a French kitchen results in Linoleum Blown-apart.

26. A lot of money is tainted.  It t'aint yours and it t'aint mine.

27. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

28. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

29. A short fortune-teller escaped from prison is a small medium-at-large.

30. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

31. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine .

32. An actress who saw her first strands of grey hair thought she'd dye.

33. Acupuncture is a jab well done.



He said ... She said

He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

He said ... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to
 you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.

He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king'
She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen

On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere."
Written just below it: "I do not."

He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board 
while I sit on the sofa and fart. "

Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.'
She said...'Who's gonna look?'

He said ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said ... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

He said ... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there.



I'm living next door to a Lebanese couple at the moment.
 They have three little kids and they've challenged me to a water fight 
in the back yard,so I'm just writing to you while I wait for the kettle to boil....
-
I've caught a stray parrot in my garden.
 All he says is, "good morning you ugly prick?" 
It's not yours is it? 
-
I'm sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations
. Just had one from the sperm bank. 
Boy, did I give her a mouthful. 
-
There's a new anti-depressant for lesbians on the market: 
Trycoxagain. 
-
I failed my biology exam today.
 I was asked to name 2 things commonly found in cells. 
Apparently, Mexicans and blacks is not the correct answer.



TO MY FINANCIALLY FOCUSED FRIENDS: 
The Question of the Day is.... 

Will the Dollar fall or not?

Always remember,
The Key to Financial Survival is to be a Tight Ass!



An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out 
in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing.   
He asked the trainer that was nearby, 

"What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet
thing over there?" 

The trainer looked him up and down and said 
"I would try the ATM in the lobby."




I don't know what they were playing but
who gives a shit!!



Sometimes it's not your fault

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, 
"I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."

"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do." 

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife.

"Please take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," requested the doctor.

The woman obliged.

"Now, turn all the way around... Uh-huh, I see... 
Okay, you can put your clothes back on now."

The doctor took the husband aside and explained,

"You're in perfect health, mister. 
Your wife didn't give me an woody either." 





"Hi Lord, it's me. 

We are getting older and things are getting bad 
here. Gas prices are too high, no jobs, food 
and heating costs too high. I know some 
have taken you out of our schools, 
government and even Christmas,
but Lord I'm asking you to come 
back and re-bless America.
We really need you! 
There are more of us who 
want you, than those who don't!
Thank You Lord,
I Love you."



A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of
golf  balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
 
Finally, after many glances from her, he said, 
"It's golf balls."
 
The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, 
thinking deeply about what he had said.
 
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, 
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow ?"



Moshe the owner of a small Kosher New York deli, was being questioned by an
IRS agen about his tax return, he had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year. 

"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said, "I work like a dog, 
everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year 
and you want to know how I made $80,000?" 

"It's not your income that bothers us" the agent said, "it's these travel deductions". 
"You listed ten trips to Israel for you and your wife". 

"Oh that!?" the owner said smiling, "well... we also deliver". 





A customer walks into a lawn ornament shop and tells the shopkeeper 
he's looking for a garden gnome of a fairly large size.
  
"Sure, take your time," replies the shopkeeper, amicably, 
"I got them in all sizes." 

       The customer looks around a while.  Then he says, 
"How much for that ugly one with the fat ass
out there on your lawn?"

       The shopkeeper responded, 
"That's my wife and she's not for sale!"