Many thanks to
Trish, Terrygray11, Heartlast7,  MRuss74101, 
AngOBri, Philalakes
for contributing to the content of today's page.

Doctor Jokes 

"Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade."
"Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet ?"
"Yea, I shaved with the electric razor."

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been
feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup
the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying
and you don't have much time," the doctor says.

"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.

"10..." says the doctor.

"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.

"10...9...8...7..." 



A baseball manager who had an ulcer was in his physician office
for a checkup.

"Remember," the doctor said, "don't get excited, don't get mad,
and forget about baseball when you're off the field." Then he added,
"By the way, how come you let the pitcher bat yesterday with the
tying run on second and two men out in the ninth?"

"Are you sure I have to take all my clothes off 
for a blood sample?"

 A doctor said to his car mechanic,
"Your charge is several times more per hour
than we get paid for medical care."

"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model,
it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date
with new models coming every year." 



A urologist's license plate:

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:
- Oops!
- Has anyone seen my watch?
-That was some party last night. I can't remember when
I've been that drunk.
- Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
- Well this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual?
- OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
- Come back with that! Bad Dog!
- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
- Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
- If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.
- Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
- Damn, there go the lights again...
- Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.
- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
- Could you stop that thing from beating;
it's throwing my concentration off.
- I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
- Steril, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?
- What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change!
- What do you mean, he's not insured?
- This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
- Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
- Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
- What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
- I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.
- Let's hurry, I don't want to miss "Bay Watch"
- That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool.
Can I have some more of that?
- Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving.
- Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?
- Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!
- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

><><

Why Americans don't 
immigrate to Arab Countries 


THEIR CULTURE  




OUR CULTURE 



I REST MY CASE
GOD BLESS AMERICA

><><

 How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
- That depends on whether it has health insurance.
- None. They just tell it to take two aspirins
and come round to the surgery later.
-None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the mortuary.
- None. They would diagnose depression
and prescribe benzo diazapines.
- Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.
-Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist,  and one to bill it all to Medicare.



A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.
"We don't need any one," they replied.
"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anytime any thing."
"We have two prospects that no one has been able to sell.
If you can sell just one, you have a job."

He was gone for about two hours and returned and handed them
two checks, one for a $80,000 policy and another for a $50,000 policy.

"How in the world did you do that," they asked.

"I told you I'm the world's best salesman,
I can sell anyone anywhere anytime."

"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him.

"What's that?" he asked. "Well, if you sell a policy over $40,000
the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles
and go back and get urine samples."

He was gone for about eight hours and then he walks in
with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand.
He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and
produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says,
"Here's Mr. Brown's and this one is Mr. Smith's."

"That's good," they said, "but what's in those two buckets?"

"Well, I passed by the school house and they were having
a state teachers convention and I sold them a group policy!"

A gentleman was having some physical problems and his doctor told him
that he had to drink warm water one hour before breakfast. 

At the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked
if he was feeling better.

He said he actually felt worse.

"Did you drink warm water an hour before breakfast each day?"

"No," replied the man,
"All I could do was about 15 minutes!"

http://www.thepossibilitymovie.com

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THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY
 
1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS
AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
 
2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.....
 
3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
 
4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES,
WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS  AND APES?
 
5. THE MAIN REASON SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE
HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE
 
6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN,
"WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?" 
SHE  SAID IF SHE TOLD ME,
IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
 
7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
 
8. IF A DEAF PERSON SWEARS, DOES HIS MOTHER
WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
 
9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS
TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
 
10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
 
11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
 
12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL
EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
 
13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
 
14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
 
15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS?
ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?
 
16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL,
IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
 
17 CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
 
18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM
HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH
  BANK MACHINES?

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD
ONLY AT THOSE (YELLOW ROAD) SIGNS?
 
21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
 
22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS:
THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
 
23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
 
24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH
AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
 
25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
 
26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS,
DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
 
27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO,
WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
 
28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
 
29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD "LISP"
TO HAVE "S" IN IT?
 
30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS"
INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
 
31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON
IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
 
32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
 
33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES
DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?
 
34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?



Q: What is the similarity between a rattlesnake
and a limp penis?

A: You  don't fuck with either  one.

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering,
the pastor of a small Florida church found
a plain pink envelope containing $1000.
It happened again the next week.
The following Sunday,
he watched as the offering
was collected and saw a little old lady
put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate.

This went on for weeks until the pastor,
overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week
in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money,
and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful,
how much does he send  you?"

The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed.
"Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a  veterinarian," she answered.

"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said.
"Where does he practice?"

The little old lady said proudly, "In Nevada.
He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno ."

Did you know that Eagles mate for life?
 
Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary,
his darling of 10 glorious years.
 
He went looking and found her. She had been shot. Dead!
 
Harry was devastated. After about six minutes of mourning
he decided that he must get himself another mate. But he just
might like to cross the feather barrier.
So he flew off to find a new mate.
 
He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest.
The sex was OK, but all the dove would say is:
I am a dove I want to love! I am a dove I want to love!
 
Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest
and flew off once more to find a mate.
 
He found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest,
again the sex was great, but all the loon would say is,
I am a loon, I want to spoon!  I am a loon I want to spoon!
Egads, out with the loon.
 
Once more he flew off to find a mate.
This time he found a gorgeous duck, so he brought the duck
back to the nest.  Again the sex was great, but all the duck would say was...well...you know...
  
No...the DUCK didn't say THAT!  
What an awful thing to think!
 
The duck said, I am a DRAKE you made a MISTAKE!  



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We All Continue To Hope That
Happier Days Are Ahead For The World
Now lets think ahead to '08.
Keep Informed, then
Vote your conscience with a
Sensitive Regard for Fairness and Justice.

AND 
BRING THEM HOME,
NOW . . . ALIVE!

" WOW "

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